Thursday, August 25, 2011

Look into my Crystal Balls

I made a prediction in last week’s post about our luck with traveling and waiters. I was right and wrong. First I said we would have terrible service. Correct. We arrived at the Red Lobster (it's Crab Fest!) in Charleston at 4 p.m. and had to wait 15 minutes on a Thursday! I’d say 90 percent of the tables were sitting empty. If I were Don Draper I’d have destroyed that weaselly little host. He didn’t look at me once; just kept staring at and talking to my wife. Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane… Anyways when we were seated we were informed by the on call manager that our server was busy with the party room, so he would be helping take care of us. He proceeded to pull out a note pad to take our drink order. I’ve never waited tables, but I’m pretty sure I could remember two drink orders for the 30 seconds it takes to walk back to the drink area. The manager also took our food order, which he got wrong, even though he wrote it down…

My second prediction was that we’d get a flat tire, because we always do. I had good reason to think it would happen. Look here and here for proof. Well, thankfully, I was wrong this time. We did run over something about three miles from home that made me think it had happened. If at that point the tire went flat, I would have jumped out of the car and pooped in the middle of the street to prove my psychosis. I’d have gladly gone to the loony bin and spent the rest of my days playing go fish in the corner with imaginary squirrels; never having to deal with cars or tires or waiters or people again. But the tire held and we made it home safe and sound. The ticking time bomb that is my sanity continues.

Seeing how I made three predictions and got two right; (66.68% accuracy) I’m thinking I’ll write my own book of predictions like Nostradamus. I’ll go with 100 predictions, which means around 66 of them will turn out right if my numbers hold up. I’m crossing my fingers that the discovery of the cholesterol free cow and the invention of the laundry folding machine come true. Seriously, we have a machine to wash our laundry. We have a machine to dry it. Why don’t we have a machine to fold it for us? I’m looking at you scientists, drop what you’re doing and get it done.

Here are a few other predictions I’d say are a pretty fair bets to come true:

-The stock market will go up.
-The stock market will go down.
-After the Stock crash of 2020, Bacon will be recognized as the new world currency.
-In the year 2021 pigs will become extinct.
-All wars will soon be fought via video games. South Korea becomes most powerful country in the world.
-Rocky 7 is released in 2015. The plot involves Rocky being cryogenically frozen in 2011. In 2045 evil aliens come to earth and challenge us to a boxing match for control of the planet. They enter into the contest a robot version of Hitler. Our only choice is to unfreeze Rocky and put him through a rigorous training scene before doing battle with the evil alien robot Hitler. He loses, setting up Rocky 8’s story line.
-Rocky 8 will become the third highest grossing film of all time behind Avatar 5 in HD3DSHi-Fi+ and Shark Night 3D.
-France surrenders to someone.
-Samuel L. Jackson is elected first President of the Mother $%#&ing World. His inaugural address is televised on a 30 second time delay. In the speech he outlines the plots of every movie he’s ever been in; it takes five days.
-Planking is outlawed after a group of American college students are mistaken for building materials while touring Europe.
-Owling is outlawed after a group of American college students are shot while touring Europe.
-American college students are banned from Europe, so they go to Aruba.


  1. Well your prediction came right just a week late...I can't wait for Part 2...all about your flat tire!

  2. I think all these flat tires are a sign that you should be getting your tires rotated more often...