Monday, July 30, 2012

Best Picture Project 12, Annie Hall

Best Picture Project is back! I know we have been slacking big time on this project. We promise to get down to it. It sure is hard to type with my fingers crossed...

Annie Hall, 1977

The Wife: I initially was slightly concerned that Annie Hall would be too dated to have the comedic appeal it carried during its 1970s release. However, all of these concerns were erased within the first few minutes of the film. Woody Allen really is the movie genius that he is labeled to be. Even in 2012, Annie Hall was still a hilarious, fun and insightful film to watch.

The movie, which stars Allen, as well as one of my favorite actresses, Diane Keaton, is set in New York City. Annie Hall centers around the characters of Alvy Singer (Allen) and Annie (Keaton). It focuses on the journey of the pair’s relationship, and through great acting and comedic elements, outlines the up’s and down’s that the two encounter. There is emotion within the film, but it is nicely balanced with laughter and to an extent, sarcasm. Both characters have their flaws and “big personalities,” which all contribute to the scope of their relationship. While the movie’s end might leave a sour taste in some people’s mouths, it really worked for Annie Hall. My hopeless romantic side was left with an “aawww bummer” feeling but my realism side was left feeling satisfied with the film’s conclusion.

Annie Hall is probably one of the few if only “romantic comedies” to win Best Picture. This is probably due to the film’s unconventional ending as well as Allen’s creativity, which works to separate it and puts it miles above traditional romantic comedies in terms of quality. As a fashion lover, I can’t go without commenting on Keaton’s wardrobe for the film. The men’s ties and hats really did inspire a new style during the 70s. My mother even told me that she remembered many women trying to emulate Keaton’s Annie Hall style. You know a film leaves a dent in pop culture phenomenon when it spurs fashion trends! Overall, I would say that Annie Hall was certainly deserving of its Best Picture title. If you haven’t seen this wonderful, timeless film, then make time to do so!

Hobo Dan: I never know what to expect from these older films. Annie Hall was thankfully anything but an older film. It could have very well came out today and been just as entertaining. Actually, it is far more entertaining than a majority of romantic comedies these days. I generally dislike the genre all together because they are all the same. Guy and girl meet, have a good time and fall in love; conflict is then introduced followed by reconciliation. Rinse and repeat. Annie Hall is not the same. It isn't necessarily about the guy and the girl as it is about their impacts on each others lives. I'd put it right up there with When Harry met Sally as the best in the category (yes, I know that one kinda follows the aforementioned genre formula I profess to hate, sue me it's my blog).

This is actually my first Woody Allen film. I enjoyed it, probably because I live for sarcasm. The writing is smart and the acting is good. I get the feeling Woody Allen plays himself, but that's okay because himself is pretty entertaining.

Now, I do have to mention one of the other films nominated in 1977, the year Annie Hall won. A small indy film called Star Wars. Incidentally it is one of my favorite movies of all time; the original, I am not talking about the trilogy, or the prequels, or any subsequent special editions, cartoons, holidays specials or 3D re-releases. They are vastly different films, obviously. The original Star Wars changed film making forever. No one had ever seen anything like it in 1977. That said, I will not refute Annie Hall's claim to the Oscar. It is a wonderful film.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Review: Cards Against Humanity

The box, cards inside and instructions
If you are easily offended, cannot laugh at yourself, or have a weak stomach, then Cards Against Humanity is not for you. For the rest of my friends who are truly horrible people, stay awhile and listen...

Cards Against Humanity is a darker take on the basic Apples to Apples formula. There are two types of cards; white and black. Black cards have a question or fill-in-the-blank phrase on them. White cards have nouns on them. Everyone draws ten white cards. Then one person draws a black card and reads it. Everyone else chooses a white card that they think best fits the black card and puts it face down in the pile. The person who drew the black card then reads the white ones and chooses his or her favorite. The winner gets the black card to keep score. Change who chooses the black card, rinse and repeat. Apparently the person at the end with the most black cards wins, but this game isn't really about winning. It about feeling absolutely horrible about the choices of white cards you've made. Oh, the choices...

Example of a Black Card
Example of a White Card
The cards themselves are very high quality and cost around $25 on Amazon. They come in a very nice box with a minimal instruction manual (the rules are not hard). You can also download all the cards from the website for free to print yourself. While this is a great option, I recommend buying the cards. First, the purchased cards are great and durable, plus who wants to print out all the cards and cut them out yourself? Second, and most importantly, buying the cards supports the game maker. Please support small game makers! And you're local comic shop! Down with Big Brother!!!

Chuck Norris, obviously!
The pictured cards are mild examples
The game is all about the people you play it with. The simplicity of Cards Against Humanity is that the game gets it out of the way so you can enjoy the company of the terrible people you are with. That is really what all games of this kind are about. I'm not going to get too philosophical when talking about a game that allows you do some many unspeakable things, but face to face games are important in this day in age where we are more likely to talk to our friends via Text, Facebook and the Twitter than physically to them.

Cards Against Humanity has been out for over a year, but hey it's new to us! Won't you come over and play?

Monday, July 16, 2012

Review: Ice Age: Continental Drift

Hobo Dan: I wasn't really looking forward to Ice Age: Continental Drift. It's not that I don't like the Ice Age movies because I really do (the first two, I did not see the third installment with dinosaurs) I've just had my fill of computer generated kids movies for the year (Brave), and am now in full anticipation mode for The Dark Knight Rises this Friday. That said, I really enjoyed this movie. It was everything you want in a summer movie for kids and had plenty of comedy for us adults as well. I was able to pick right up on the story without needing to have seen the last one.

The film itself is computer generated and looks great; not as good as Brave, but still great. The voice work is top notch and surprisingly full of stars. The Wife and I spent the entire movie trying to figure out who the voice of the villain was. We knew we'd heard it before and had that "duh" moment when the credits rolled (Peter Dinklage). The story was entertaining and full of fun moments. There is no reason to take it that seriously or get technical. It was just fun, that's the point. If you have kids, or still have a kid in you (not that any of you eat kids), go see this new Ice Age. It is great fun and I am going to say this and get flamed for it, but this movie had more noticeable 3D effects than all other 3D movies I have seen this year combined. Not a selling point for me, but at least I don't feel so ripped off for paying three extra dollars for a 3D ticket (had no other choice).

Also, the squirrel that make small appearances in all the films has his day, it is so gloriously funny...

The Wife: I love movies. Movies that appeal to the “elitist” crowd, hilariously dumb movies, romantic comedies and yes, even so-called children’s movies. I try to approach movies without judgment and enjoy them for what they are. People who think every single movie that they see must be “Oscar Worthy” really need to get over themselves. If you are one of those types, then you probably would never give the latest Ice Age sequel the time of day. And for that, I feel sorry for you, because once again Ice Age didn’t fail to entertain and keep me laughing!

Ice Age: Continental Drift is the fourth installment of the Ice Age franchise. Let me start by saying that I love the Ice Age movies, so perhaps this review could carry a shred of biased thought. The first Ice Age, of course, is the best one. The sequels, however, haven’t been bad. They have all been entertaining and made me laugh like a kid again. I like the Ice Age series because while they are geared for children, they contain many jokes and are funny enough to appeal to adults. I was slightly concerned that this particular Ice Age film may have lost its edge due to being a fourth sequel. This seemed to have happened to the Shrek franchise, which started great and then got a bit stale by the third movie (don’t get me wrong I still like all of the Shrek movies). However, Ice Age: Continental Drift held up nicely with it’s predecessors, and Hobo Dan and I both had a great time at the theatre watching it.

Visually, this movie looked great. It didn’t compare to Brave looks-wise, but let’s face it; Pixar is tough to compete with. Ice Age: Continental Drift was a perfect summer blockbuster for children, and one that parents, or adults like us, could enjoy as well. It delivered laughs and once again, the plot involving the hilarious trio of sloth, Sid, saber, Diego, and woolly mammoth, Manny, was hilarious. The squirrel from Ice Age nearly stole the show in his never-ending search of his beloved acorn. While I wouldn’t deem this latest installment of Ice Age to be Oscar worthy in the animated category, it was still a great movie and one that families will enjoy. Brave, of course, is the better of the two “kids” movies, but like I said above, Disney-Pixar is just hard to compete with. I should also mention that you get a fabulous Simpsons short prior to the movie, and I think we enjoyed that as much as Ice Age: Continental Drift, if not more. That was almost worth the movie ticket cost alone!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Zoo and Baseball

Last week’s 4th of July holiday served as a five-day weekend for us. With our power back (see Meltdown 2012 for an explanation) we basked in the glory of electricity and enjoyed a mini-vacation of sorts. Zoo, baseball, relaxation, and of course, beautiful air conditioning, made for an enjoyable time!

The Wife: On the 5th, we headed to the Columbus Zoo! Our annual zoo trip has become a summer tradition for us. Unlike last year, Google Directions didn’t cause a rage fest to occur and we made it to the zoo in perfect time without getting lost in the greater Columbus area. Boom! This may have been the hottest it’s ever been at the zoo as temperatures peaked over 100 that afternoon. Thanks Global Warming or Manbear Pig!? I am waiting for Al Gore to rescue us by taking this summer heat wave down to a breezy 75 degrees.

Complaining aside, the heat really didn’t bother us, and the day went swimmingly. Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming! We got excellent views of some animals we never see and I was able to get some fantastic pictures. Other than witnessing a giant brown bear stare me down through the glass as he took a massive poop and seeing the male elephant try to mount the female elephant multiple times, the animals were great! I appreciate Jack Hanna’s work at the Columbus Zoo to make it different from run-of-the-mill zoos. The animals at the Columbus Zoo thrive in a more natural habitat setting and the zoo has taken efforts to protect endangered species. They deserve kudos!

Hobo Dan: Melvin the elephant steps up to the plate and takes a few practice swings. The crowd roars in excitement, and because they are all lions. A few nervous Zebras in the upper deck whisper about steroids use and the Hall of Fame. Melvin ignores it all, he is in the zone. The pitcher, a tall orangutan named Muffins checks first base and waits for the signal from his catcher. Fast ball, down the middle is the call. Muffins winds up and lets it fly. Melvin tenses and then swings... What, huh? Sorry, I took one look at the name of the post and started writing.

This has been a seriously hot week! I think it went to my head. What better way to cure the heat illness? Go walk around outside at the zoo! The animals had the right idea. "Lets sleep in the shade." If aliens do visit this planet, what are the chances they see us as the most intelligent species? We are always out running around in inclement weather (sun bathing, skiing), attempting stupid stunts (sky diving, ramping anything off of anything, every event at the Winter Olympics) and generally engaging in meaningless, unfulfilling activities (Facebook, waiting in line, E!, video games, blogging). These animals have it right. If it's hot, sleep. If it's cold, go inside a cave and sleep. Hungry? Caribou anyone?

Inside PNC Park: Pittsburgh, PA. Go Buccos!
An even better cure for the heat sickness is sitting in direct sunlight for three hours straight watching guys play with their balls and sticks. Yay, homoexrotic baseball jokes! Seriously though, despite the power outage at the beginning of the week and the extreme heat, it was truly good to have some time off spent with the Wife. I love all the things we do together and am thankful we have the ability to do them. The only way the weekend could have been any better is if those two elephants at the zoo had gone at it so we could have filmed it to post up here. Don't pretend you wouldn't have watched...

The Wife: Friday and Saturday served as “staycation” days, although we did manage to drag ourselves out of the house once to see The Amazing Spider-Man! Sunday we enjoyed America ’s favorite past time as we ventured to PNC Park, home of the Pittsburgh Pirates, for a baseball game. PNC Park is absolutely gorgeous and is known to be one of the most attractive ball parks. Other than the scorching heat, it too, was a great day as the Pirates smashed the San Francisco Giants winning 13-2! Us Pirates fans have had a rough 19 years, so it’s been great to see this team doing well, and being there to witness such a great win was awesome. Go Buccos!

Below our some pictures from our travels:

Snake ssssss! Attempted Parseltongue and it posed. Lol Harry Potter FTW!

Gorillas are so cool

Adorable baby gorilla

Blog Note: As you know we have been doing some updates to the blog. Most recently we updated the About Dump and Relay tabs at the top of the page. Check them out!

Monday, July 9, 2012

Review: The Amazing Spider-Man

This summer is another big one for super hero movies, so of course we had to review The Amazing Spider-Man for all you Dump readers!

The Wife: The Amazing Spider-Man is getting a really undeserved bad rep. Unfortunately this comes with rebooting a franchise so soon. Spider-Man 3 just came out in 2007; I mean, that's not even really that long ago! I am very set in my ways and Tobey Maguire will always be MY Spider-Man. However, with as much criticism and reservations as I had about The Amazing Spider-Man, I have to say it was a pretty good movie!

Was it blow your mind awesome? No. But it was ENTERTAINING! Even though I said Tobey is my Spidey, I think Andrew Garfield did a great job in the role. His interpretation is very different and I feel bad for comparing him to Tobey, but again, you will get those comparisons with a reboot so soon. Emma Stone was great as the character of Gwen Stacy, who I personally prefer to MJ. I don't dislike MJ, I am just more of a Gwen fan. Stone is so likable anyways and her performance made me enjoy the character even more.

While the plot did leave me very much with a "been there done that feel" due to so many similarities to Raimi's 2002 Spider-Man, I still really enjoyed The Amazing Spider-Man. It was very well paced with great action sequences. It had depth, despite some of the ooey gooey romance scenes between Gwen and Spidey (I mean seriously is all teenage love these days so angst filled?!). There were some moments where I felt ill from all the swinging Spider-Man effects, but some would call that a positive because you really did feel like you were in the movie. I, personally, could have done without all the first person view swing sequences though.

Overall, I would recommend The Amazing Spider-Man. If you are set in your ways and really liked Raimi's Spider-Man series, then you may have some issues. However, to a new generation, I can see this Spider-Man reboot carrying the same weight as its predecessor. Like I said, the biggest issue with this movie is that it came out too soon after the other series, and comparisons will be made, perhaps even unfairly. I am going to go out on a limb and say as a whole The Amazing Spider-Man may even be better than the 2002 version. To each his own though. Either way, if you see this, try to enjoy it for what it is and take joy in the fact that a new generation is getting their Spider-Man fix!

Hobo Dan: Haven't I seen this movie before? Yeah, in 2002 there was a Spider-Man movie. Tobey Maguire was in it, and so was Kirsten Dunst and Willem Dafoe and that stoner from Pineapple Express. I remember it like it was yesterday. Plot points? All the same. The only difference seems to be that the 2002 version is lacking the ever present 3D effects. Can I go back to 2002?

The Mildly Entertaining Spider-Man. I judged it from the moment I heard they were doing a reboot only ten years after the Toby Maguire version. So? I am working really hard to judge this on its own merits, but lets face it, ten years is NOT long enough to warrant a reboot. They MUST be compared. The Amazing Spider-Man is a pretty decent movie; despite the fact it suffers from Home Alone 2 syndrome. All the actors are good and the new Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) is surfactant although far more emo than nerd. The story is your basic run of the mill hero origin story. Again I will stress it is taken almost exactly from the 2002 Spider-Man, but then again most superhero have that single set origin story that is always present in ever iteration. This one seems just a little too similar to 2002 for my tastes. Then again all the tweens this is apparently marketed towards may have never even seen the old version. The action is nice and the effects are on par with the expectations the year 2012 provides.

So why can't I like this movie? Well first, I paid three extra dollars to see this in 3D and noticed a total three 3D effects. A dollar an effect is a pretty steep price if you ask me. Maybe this has less to do with the film and more to do with the industry as a whole, but seriously, is anyone enjoying this price gouging? The teaser trailer for Despicable Me 2 had more 3D in it! Then there is the action itself. While this Spider-Man made swinging through the streets of New York look a little more terrifying, it also about made me vomit. Insert standard complaint about shaky cam (you've heard them all from me before, I won't bore you further). Then a few times the camera panned to a first person perspective and decided to be Halo or Call of Duty. No. No, no, no! Stop that. It's not cute, it's not awesome. It's giving me a brain tumor.

Every time Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy (yes nerds, Gwen not Mary Jane, no biggie in my book) were in a scene together being all twilight (my new word of interpersonal relationships involving teenagers; you like?), I wanted to bite my own tongue to fill my mouth full of blood. If this is how teenagers act towards one another these days, I'm not having kids.

Deep breath. This is a good movie. It may even be better than the 2002 Spider-Man we all seem to hold so dear. However, it is lazy. Only ten years later and we are already redoing Spider-Man, the film that arguably kicked off the Comic Hero movie craz? What's next a Green Lantern reboot after only two years? Okay, that is probably needed...

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Review: Ted

During Meltdown 2012, we escaped to a theatre with power to see Ted. We hoped an idiotic comedy could temporarily let us forget all about our lack of electricity. So in a special saturday post for our Dump readers, here are our thoughts:

Hobo Dan: There were some truly funny moments in Ted. Then there were some truly dull moments. It's like Seth MacFarlane (director) had no idea what he wanted the movie to be. At moments it was Family Guy in live action. Then it tried to be serious. I don't tune into Family Guy for serious and I didn't go see this for it either. Up and down is how I'd describe it. The highs were pretty high and some very good laughs. The lows never got so bad it made me hate the movie, but they sure slowed it down. I kept waiting (anticipating) for the moment when the movie just went insane and never returned. It never came. It just predictably went on about its business.

Thankfully there were far more laughs in Ted than shown in the trailers. I hate it when movies, particularly comedies, give you everything in the two minute preview. All the actors did well, although I didn't buy Marky Mark (Mark Wahlburg) and Mila Kunis as a couple. The best part of the film for me was Patrick Stewart's fantastic narrations at the beginning and end of the film. Yes I do have a man crush on Captain Picard. Problem?

A totally serviceable comedy. Not the greatest ever made, but certainly not the worst. Unless you really like Seth MacFarlane, I'd wait for Netflix

The Wife: I went into Ted fully prepared and expecting to see a dumb, meaningless, unintelligent comedy. Well, mission accomplished, because that is exactly what I got! Ted was pretty funny. However, it is no where near the level of The Hangover funny, or even Horrible Bosses for that matter. Like Hobo Dan mentioned above, at times it felt like I was just watching Family Guy in live action format with a fuzzy bear. Even Ted (the bear), sounded a bit too much like Peter Griffin. However, this complaint was made up for when Ted actually said something like "I don't sound like Peter Griffin!" Well done, Seth MacFarlane. Well done.

As for the plot of the movie, it was what I figured it would be — absolutely ridiculous and silly. What else do you expect from a film that features a foul mouthed teddy bear? The dirty jokes, innuendos and other idiotic funny moments really worked. However, at times the plot became scattered and all over the place. Towards the end, the tone actually turns a little too serious for a movie of this nature. I found myself actually getting sad. I didn't come to see Ted for drama! Fortunately the "emotional" scenes quickly turned so the audience could get the expected happy, yet amazingly dumb and funny ending.

Acting wise, I think Ted featured a pretty good cast. That being said, the romantic chemistry between Mila Kunis's character, Lori, and Mark Wahlburg's character, John, wasn't really there. I love both of these actors and find them to be great in other roles, but they weren't believable as a couple. Anytime there was a kiss scene of some sort Wahlburg looked uncomfortable. Both Kunis and Wahlburg were good in their roles as their individual characters, but as a couple, not so much. Like Hobo Dan, I too, LOVED the beginning and end narration of Captain Picard. I may start a nerd war, but Star Trek: The Next Generation is the BEST! Ryan Reynolds also has a very short, but hilarious part in the film, which was probably one of my favorite scenes in Ted. Oh man, I love Ryan Reynolds!

Overall, Ted was funny. That being said, I'd save this one for Netflix.

Be sure to check back on Monday as we take on The Amazing Spider-Man in our Movie Monday post! Also, in case you are wondering, our electricity returned on Wednesday. Hallelujah!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Two Years Later...

The time has come to memorialize a faithful old companion. Last week, the Wife said goodbye to her first car. Such a melancholy thing is life. At every end, a beginning. At every goodbye, a hello. We lament today for old red, sure a... what am I saying? Good riddance you POS! Burn, burn, burn...

But the old red car has one last story to tell. First lets review the ways you've tormented me; it has been awhile my old nemesis. Check the links for the full posts.

From The Mouse: Posted 5/4/2010
I am not an eye witness to the mouse. I didn't see the mouse. I will try to describe the beast using the details I took from my wife's rambling. The rodent, almost mythological in proportions, reached a massive length of over ONE INCH! That would make its fangs almost half a millimeter long. The demon creature has it out for my wife; she fears it will escape the car and enter the house in the night to murder her in cold mouse blood (kind of like how Mickey Mouse likes to sneak into Marvel Studios at night and rape Spider Man). The rain was still beating down when my wife demanded we stop so she can evade the evil mouse's advances. We soon came the the small gas station on our road and stopped under the cover. The wife leaped from the car and began to ramble on and on about the rodent and her hatred. At one point I think she slipped into tongues. Maybe the rat used its ESP to invade her mind. After a furious search, I found no sign of the mouse; at all.
From The Bad Friday: Posted 5/14/2010
To my disdain, the car which that clever little rodent chose to inhabit broke down only days after his arrival. It just stopped. Well as you can imagine, upon hearing this news, my lovely, caring, compassionate and all knowing wife made her expert opinion be known. That little vermin must have been the reason for the car's sudden reluctance to start. I reassured her this was probably not the case. For a week the car was in the shop. The verdict? A blown fuse going into the starter, probably blown by some sort of short in the wiring. How ever did this short come about? The mechanic suggests that a mouse very well could have caused such damage.
So she drives off to work. I go home to revel in the glory of a day off. Later, I receive a text from the wife letting me know that the car smells of dead mouse. This news brightens the day further. At least it's dead; now I just have to solve that problem. Soon I sit down for some relaxing video games; peace. It's right then, that she calls me. We have just pissing-down-a-hair-clogged-drain bad cell phone service at our house. I cannot believe I was able to hear what she said. "Car won't start. I'm at Krodel park." I'm not even mad. For a moment I just stand there, bent in some funny angle striving for the optimum cell service of one bar. "Sure." That's the best I can manage before leaving to pick her up.
From A Loss for Words: Posted 5/24/2010
I have off tomorrow what should I do? Well shit kids that's a rhetorical question. Tomorrow I have to take my wife's taint of a car to Huntington to the dealership to get worked on because the little POS still won't run. If the TV I bought last Christmas needed as much maintenance as the cars we own, I would not stand for it. Did you ever think of that? Break it down, most of the stuff we buy needs much less maintenance than our cars. Hell, I guarantee my wife and I use our TV more hours a day than our cars. I'm sorry I don't have to change the oil in my TV, or check the @$%#ing tire pressure! Car companies are you listening? no...
On a side note, the TV I am referring to in this post is, as of Winter 2012, also broken...
From Holeless Pillow: Posted 5/26/2010
Oh, the suck I have endured. I bitch a lot about the wife's car, so I'll only say, it still sucks. Hard. We've spent money and time on it, we are frustrated. Things are out of hand. The house is a mess. Clothes, they aren't washed. We had to use the remainder of the Disney Princess paper plates from her birthday party to eat dinner. We have no food at the house; none. We DO have a giant tower of pizza boxes.

The truck I am using to drive while her car is being worked on? Its breaks went out on me today! THE BREAKS WENT OUT! You realize I was driving when this happened? WTF!!???!!? I could have seriously wrecked. I am not making this up.
From The Tire: Posted 9/29/2010
It is in this vehicle of death; a car that begins seizures like shakes at 55 mph, I decided to leave the safety of home and set out upon the open road.

I think most of you have probably figured out what's next. So, instead of boring you to death (I hope no one has died yet) the next portion of this tale will be over blown and exaggerated for thematic effect. I was just driving along, minding my own business when out of no where my front driver side tire explodes in a violent rage. Shrapnel is sent flying in every direction. I am sent swerving across the road. I hit the edge of the road and flip fifteen times down the highway before landing again. At this point I was still traveling at well over fifty miles an hour! The car careens left and right and only my nerves of steel and great strength are able the pull the car under control and bring it to a stop. For any one who is really worried about it, all that really happened was the tire when flat for no reason and I had to pull over.
It was shortly after this last post that the old red car stopped. One day it just said no more. For the past two years it has lingered in my yard. As much as I enjoy being a rural stereotype, it needed to go. So recently I made the calls required to have the vehicle taken away. Before this happy event could occur, I had to take one last tour through the haunted halls of the old mouse coffin. It must be purged of our personal items. Here is what I found:

A muffin pan.
Numerous boy band CDs.
A Coldplay CD.
A Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band CD.
A Credence Clearwater Revival CD.
Lynard Skynard's Greatest Hits.
A quick vac full of small pebbles?
Dead bugs.
Two years worth of newspapers.
Two umbrellas.
A plastic Easter bucket.
A screw driver; flat head.
Two pins.
Trash, lots of trash.

A large mouse nest, hidden under the trunk where you keep the spare tire. And under that nest? The Mouse. Dead, of course. The now ancient burial mount of the mythical beast finally discovered. Could this evil talisman sitting parked outside our home for the last two years be the cause of all the car troubles? Let me remind you the trouble has not been limited to the red car alone:

From Rage Quit: Posted 2/19/2011
I quit. Cars that is, I quit them. What two face backstabber came up with that industry? “Here I’ll sell you this vehicle for a ton of money but I’ll see you again real soon when you starting having problems with it.” Awesome. I’m going to buy some horses. I’ll ride everywhere I need to go. If something isn’t in reasonable range of me and my horse, then I don’t really need to go there. But knowing my luck the horse would break a leg and I’d have to shoot the damned thing and make some glue, or dog food. Even then, at least it would be useful to me unlike cars which break down and become the eye sore of rural lower class America. I might as well scatter a few plastic flamingos and half naked children around the yard and throw a barbecue. I’ll buy some Bud Light and wear a cut off denim t-shirt with a Dale Jr. hat and cook up some road kill steaks; skunk is in season. Odin help us all.

Around about ten minutes from our destination, we hit a large bump in the road. I thought nothing of it and we went on for a minute or so, when I realized the bump caused us to flat. We later went back to discover the hole was actually a branch of the Grand Canyon; how did I not see it? So since July we've dealt with three flats now. Actually, my wife and I are now past three years of marriage heading to four and we are averaging two flat tires per year of marriage. It was also very dark outside. Before I got out of the car, my wife asked if I knew how to change a tire and I almost lost it. She later clarified that she meant if I knew how to change the tire on the new car. I shook my head and told her to make me a sandwich. Then I threw that damned donut on the new car and we rolled out to the Olive Garden. I mean, we were already there, may as well eat.
I purged the car of all this junk and burnt the mouse carcase and nest as sacrifice to please the angered car gods. Oh Ford, father of thine cars, forgive me of my sins. Cleanse me of this mousy stank. Accept this gift of mouse piss soaked newspaper, seat foam cushion and other unrecognizable items. Take the body of this deceased creature and leave me be!

Remember the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? (yes Michael Bay that is their FULL name!) Remember when they all sat around the fire and meditated and Splinter appeared to them and they knew he was alive and they will find him? I am at peace now. The soul of the mouse appeared to me and spoke comfort. My debt is paid, he goes now to a better place. Maybe a BMW or Lexus.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Meltdown 2012!

Hobo Dan: So we planned to review Ted for you guys, then mother nature swung her giant ass up and around and took a huge old dump right on West Virginia, Ohio and most of the surrounding area. Power outages are everywhere. I have realized I am woefully unprepared for the end of days. What is it about these times that makes people lose their freaking minds? The heat maybe... Anyways, we are probably out of power till Thursday (if I am to believe the power company). I'm ruining my eyes and fingers typing this out on my phone for you because we left the computer at home. Oh by the way, today was supposed to be new cell phone day! Thanks a lot weather. Luckily we already have a Thursday blog queued up for you fortunate enough to have the electric sex.

We escaped to the in-laws for the time being, and the wife has settled down to watching a show called " Keeping Up With the Kardashians"? It is terrible. Seriously, why is this a TV show? Did I already die and this is my punishment? I kind of hope the power goes back out here so I don't have to watch it anymore. Ugh. Hey, keep safe, keep cool, and keep away from stray zombies...

The Wife: I always say things like "shopping is my favorite" or "napping is my favorite" for things I enjoy. Well due to the recent disaster that is this weekend, I will now proclaim electricity as my number one favorite of everything. Electric, please come back my lovely friend. If you do, I will never take you for granted again!

Well as Hobo Dan so eloquently described above, this weekend our area suffered a major storm. It all began Friday evening. We had plans to see Ted and write a review for all you fine Dump readers. I decided to take an epic after work nap (the best kind!) before we went on with our evening plans. Did I ever tell you when I'm really tired I can sleep through ANYTHING? Evidently this includes a horrendous thunderstorm and a TORNADO! Sure. Needless to say our plans were shot. We also had no food in our home. Terrific. Fortunately the Dollar General was the only store open in our area so Friday night was spent with a snack food picnic via candlelight. I should also take a moment to praise the iPad battery here. That thing allowed me to watch all of Step Brothers Friday evening and still had lots of battery remaining. I love technologyyyyyy, but not as much as you, you see...but I still love technology...always and forever!

Saturday our house turned into an oven and we baked and basically were miserable. Seriously no AC and temperatures above 100 do not equal a fun time! Fortunately my parent's home regained power so we quickly threw a bag together and have been staying there ever since. Oh blessed AC and electricity! I LOVE YOU! I was also able to even relax a little Sunday and catch up on episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. That show is pure art. HAHA! I don't care that it's silly, I enjoy it! Haters gonna hate, I guess!

In all seriousness, praise God we stayed safe through the storm and have a place to stay with power. We really miss our home but what can ya do? I just really hope this isn't the start of the zombie apocalypse like people are making it out to be! We will be on the zombie watch though!

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