Thursday, August 25, 2011

Look into my Crystal Balls

I made a prediction in last week’s post about our luck with traveling and waiters. I was right and wrong. First I said we would have terrible service. Correct. We arrived at the Red Lobster (it's Crab Fest!) in Charleston at 4 p.m. and had to wait 15 minutes on a Thursday! I’d say 90 percent of the tables were sitting empty. If I were Don Draper I’d have destroyed that weaselly little host. He didn’t look at me once; just kept staring at and talking to my wife. Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane… Anyways when we were seated we were informed by the on call manager that our server was busy with the party room, so he would be helping take care of us. He proceeded to pull out a note pad to take our drink order. I’ve never waited tables, but I’m pretty sure I could remember two drink orders for the 30 seconds it takes to walk back to the drink area. The manager also took our food order, which he got wrong, even though he wrote it down…

My second prediction was that we’d get a flat tire, because we always do. I had good reason to think it would happen. Look here and here for proof. Well, thankfully, I was wrong this time. We did run over something about three miles from home that made me think it had happened. If at that point the tire went flat, I would have jumped out of the car and pooped in the middle of the street to prove my psychosis. I’d have gladly gone to the loony bin and spent the rest of my days playing go fish in the corner with imaginary squirrels; never having to deal with cars or tires or waiters or people again. But the tire held and we made it home safe and sound. The ticking time bomb that is my sanity continues.

Seeing how I made three predictions and got two right; (66.68% accuracy) I’m thinking I’ll write my own book of predictions like Nostradamus. I’ll go with 100 predictions, which means around 66 of them will turn out right if my numbers hold up. I’m crossing my fingers that the discovery of the cholesterol free cow and the invention of the laundry folding machine come true. Seriously, we have a machine to wash our laundry. We have a machine to dry it. Why don’t we have a machine to fold it for us? I’m looking at you scientists, drop what you’re doing and get it done.

Here are a few other predictions I’d say are a pretty fair bets to come true:

-The stock market will go up.
-The stock market will go down.
-After the Stock crash of 2020, Bacon will be recognized as the new world currency.
-In the year 2021 pigs will become extinct.
-All wars will soon be fought via video games. South Korea becomes most powerful country in the world.
-Rocky 7 is released in 2015. The plot involves Rocky being cryogenically frozen in 2011. In 2045 evil aliens come to earth and challenge us to a boxing match for control of the planet. They enter into the contest a robot version of Hitler. Our only choice is to unfreeze Rocky and put him through a rigorous training scene before doing battle with the evil alien robot Hitler. He loses, setting up Rocky 8’s story line.
-Rocky 8 will become the third highest grossing film of all time behind Avatar 5 in HD3DSHi-Fi+ and Shark Night 3D.
-France surrenders to someone.
-Samuel L. Jackson is elected first President of the Mother $%#&ing World. His inaugural address is televised on a 30 second time delay. In the speech he outlines the plots of every movie he’s ever been in; it takes five days.
-Planking is outlawed after a group of American college students are mistaken for building materials while touring Europe.
-Owling is outlawed after a group of American college students are shot while touring Europe.
-American college students are banned from Europe, so they go to Aruba.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Glee: The 3D Concert Movie

The Wife has decided to share her thoughts on the new Glee movie. I didn't see this!

Glee: The 3D Concert Movie

Well this review will be interesting. I am sure a lot of this blog's target audience are "anti-gleek." Oh well! Sad for you, really. The husband asked me to review Glee: The 3D Concert Movie, which I saw over the weekend. (He also probably asked because we once again delayed watching Crash for our Best Picture Project...oops).

Ok so if you don't already know it, I am a HUGE Glee fan! While I am one of those many "The first season was so much better" fans, I still watch and enjoy the show. I love the witty banter, comedic elements and almost all of the characters. Not to mention the show provides some great eye candy. Of course, the music is one of my favorite parts of Glee! Almost every song I've purchased off iTunes over the past year has been from Glee, much to my husband's chagrin. I also own the complete first season. I will own the complete second season probably after Christmas. Speaking of Christmas, last year I got the Glee Christmas Album and it was pretty much all I listened to over the holidays (again much to my husband's dismay). So I am "that fan," yes, the one responsible for keeping the cash cow of Glee alive. Who cares though? I love the show and it makes me happy and helps to relieve stress. Some have their video games or other hobbies, I have Glee!

As for Glee: The 3D Concert Movie, I was super pumped when I found out about it. We saw a preview for the film prior to seeing one of our summer movies and the husband looked at me and said "You can take your friend to see this, right?" So my bestie, who is a huge Glee fan like myself, and I made plans to leave our guys at home and go. Needless to say we had an absolute blast! We both badly wanted to see Glee in concert this summer, but the tickets were way too expensive. The 3D movie was the next best thing! We sang and cheered during the film as if we were really at a was great! We probably had a better view than if we had actually gone to the real concert.

I know many reviews of the movie have been very negative and that the Glee3D movie hasn't done well at the box office. I can see why numbers are down. Most concert movies generally make money from kids and their parents. Glee is not a children's show, so there goes that money machine. As for content, I tend to disagree with the critics. What do people expect? The movie isn't meant to be plot-driven. IT IS A CONCERT! I feel like it's the cool thing to just hate on everything once something gets popular now days. People need to learn to relax and just enjoy something for what it is! Ok off of my soapbox, back to the review! I got chills when they performed their opening number to their trademark "Don't Stop Believin'" song. I also, of course, loved Puck's solo as well as Finn's solo. Any Rachel song was amazing (Lea Michele is just awesome, period). Kurt, as usual, didn't disappoint. The group numbers were great too. I especially LOVED The Warblers performance and the adorable "mini warbler!" ATTENTION: CUTENESS ALERT. There were some great surprises too (SPOILER AHEAD!) like when Gwyneth Paltrow (Holly Holiday) showed up to sing "Forget You." My bestie and I literally screamed out of joy. We are super cool people!

I suppose I should mention the use of 3D too. I know I have bashed 3D, but this is the first movie that I've ever seen in 3D where I actually noticed the effects. The 3D did add to the overall experience, but I would have been just as happy seeing Glee in good ole' 2D.

My complaints are very short. For one, it was too short! Then again, I could have watched for like six hours to hear them perform every song I like. I feel like the whole "Glee changed my life" scenes from real people that were dispersed throughout the movie were unnecessary. I would have preferred to see more onstage/backstage banter and more singing in its place. There also wasn't enough Tina or Quinn. In addition, an appearance by Mr. Shue and obviously SUE SYLVESTER would have been nice! From my understanding, Sue did have scenes in the film that were cut. Hopefully they will be on the Blu-ray version.

As a whole though, I was very pleased with Glee: The 3D Concert Movie. If you love Glee and like me, couldn't afford to see the actual concert, I would recommend this. Don't go in expecting a real movie with a plot. View it as a concert, which it obviously is. Also, if you can, try to see it as a matinee. I believe I paid $8.70 or something, but would have been charged around $11 if I saw an evening show. I think the movie isn't in theatres much longer, however, but I am sure it will come out on Blu-ray/DVD. All in all I am now very excited for Glee Season 3!

Before I end, I should mention that the husband does watch Glee on occasion with me. I even catch him laughing don't let him fool you. I think he likes it a little bit ;)! I will leave you with this! Look for him in Glee: The 3D Concert Movie:

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Anyone remember that one time, an hour before my wedding, when I clogged up that child size toilet in the church? Knees at my chin I squatted over that thing for one last push before the vows. I flushed and heard the water splashing on the floor. The first thought through my mind was “she will kill me if I get this tux wet before the ceremony.” Then I figured I needed to move before that turd got me. I realized no one could get mad because I’m the groom. So I zipped up and got the hell out of there. One of my groomsmen was in the stall next to me. Sorry dude. Why does this stuff always happen to me?

I won’t complain too much, I did get to marry my best friend after escaping the overflow. Yes, it’s true; I did cry more than my wife did. In my defense, she was having a GPS tracking device surgically installed into my ankle at the time. In truth I don’t remember a lot from the wedding. It’s kind of a blur. I know she feels the same way. It wasn’t until we were in the car on our way to the hotel that we really came back down to earth. That’s when I finally got to share my toilet clogging story with the one person I really wanted to tell it to.

Four years seems like so long ago and like no time at all. Life now is completely different from back then. Not bad, just different. Life is hard and so is marriage. So I’m pretty pleased to have my wife to share the hardships with. She knows how to laugh even in the face of less than ideal circumstances. So today we will probably go get some dinner and have terrible service. They will probably get our order wrong. On the way home we’ll get a flat tire. I’ll love every minute of it, not because I love the trouble, just the company.

Love you Wife.

P.S. Next year you’re writing this…

Monday, August 15, 2011

Best Picture Project 10, Casablanca

At long last the Best Picture Project returns! It's going to be a long fall and winter until the good movies start back up, so expect more from the BBP. For next week we will be watching Crash, the 2005 Best Picture winner.

Casablanca, 1942

The Wife: "Play it, Sam." "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." Wow. I am willing to bet the majority of you have heard these phrases at some point in your life, and many of you, like myself, did not realize that they came from the Academy Award Best Picture film, Casablanca. Knowing famous quotes before actually seeing a movie is a mark of how well a particular film has become stamped into pop culture. For example, before I succumbed to nerdom and watched Star Wars, I already knew the famous "Luke, I am your father," line.

Well, what can I really say about Casablanca? Having actually been to the city of Casablanca during my trip to Morocco in college, I was semi-excited to see this film. I had also heard many positive reviews from the older generation. The movie ended up being much shorter than I expected, which is rare for older films. As for content, was ok. Not the best thing I've ever seen, but certainly not the worst. I will say that I think this is one of those "classics" that everyone says is good because well, everyone says it's good...if that makes sense. I really didn't FEEL for any of the characters, which is something that I look for when watching movies or reading books. Due to the lack of emotional connection, I found myself not particularly concerned for the characters' fates. For quite awhile I did not like the lead female. I finally warmed up to her at the very end. Maybe you aren't supposed to like her? If so, that was achieved.

Acting wise this film was very well done, even though I often found myself rolling my eyes at overly brooding characters, like Humphrey Bogart's. I now see where Gossip Girl gets their inspiration for the Chuck Bass character. It is amazing how many pop culture references, as I mentioned previously, have come through this movie. So, it may seem that my review is a bit negative. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy Casablanca, it just means that I don't think it is as good as everyone makes it out to be. However, I will say it deserved its Best Picture win. For one, I don't know the other movies that were nominated, and two, the movie's aforementioned pop culture influence, make it deserving of its win.

Hobo Dan: I really did not expect to like this movie. I sometimes have a pretty hard time liking movies the older they are. Casablanca gives me hope that the older movies won’t be torture. The first thing that really struck me was the acting. I’ve seen so many older movies with terrible acting, a judgmental part of me figured they were all like that. Not so. Humphrey Bogart in particular was excellent. This is my first Bogart film and I’ll be happy to see him again if given the chance. He did so much with his eyes, it is astounding. Ingrid Bergman was also pretty good, if not a little over shadowed by ole Hump.

I also really enjoyed how this was a World War II film that was actually filmed during WWII. The history major in me loves to see how truly nervous people were with what the Nazis were up to. We sometimes forget there was a long period of time when people thought Germany had the war all but won. The nervous feeling in French controlled Morocco was really evident throughout the film. I really enjoyed this movie. There was never a moment when I thought about how old the film was or got bored. It really had me all the way through. A great best picture.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Fall 2011 Movie Preview

I'm feeling extra ruthless today. Just didn't get enough mean out at work so here I am to pile it on these poor movies. If you haven't read one of these before here is the deal. I going tell what I think is worth dropping hard earned coin on at the theatre or what you should wait to see until video or Netflix. The final category in my little exercise are movies that you should never, ever see. I mean these are the kinds of movies that are so bad they cause blindness and stuff. Just warning you.

Fright Night
Okay I know this technically comes out in August, but I missed it in the Summer Preview for some reason so I'm going to let you in on the secret now. This movie will suck giant vampire balls. If you see this movie I am going to be physically mad at you. Here is a real quote from the movie: "I can smell your fear." Colin Farrell I can smell your terrible acting, and taste it. Don't see it in theaters, instead steal Blu-Ray copies from Wal Mart when it comes out and burn them. August 19.

Apollo 18
I can't wait to see how many people actually think this is real. So many stupid people go see movies it's bound to happen. This movie should be called Blair Witch on the Moon. I think it's fair to say the Blair Witch genre of movies was born and died with Blair Witch so why people are still making films like this is beyond my comprehension. Also, they shot the movie in the old school film ratio they had on the Apollo missions. While this sounds cool on paper, is anyone here excited to watch a movie on the big screen that only takes up half the screen? They should have pooped this straight to DVD and never spoke of it again. See this only if held at gun point, and even then I might choose the bullet. September 2.

Shark Night 3D
I bet you guys think I want to see this don't you? What gave it away the 3D in the title or my unquenchable love of sharks eating horrible actors? Where did they get that damned shark cage in the trailer? They are on a lake! I've been to lakes before, never once did I think of packing a shark cage "just in case". Seriously, don't get in the water. How hard was that? Now you're safe from the man eating sharks that somehow go into and managed to live in the fresh water lake. I'm guessing the writer came up with one line of dialog to explain all that so they could get back to the murder and still be able to pretend they are actual writers. Not fooled gentlemen, not fooled. You make us all very sad. I'd rather be eaten, digested and pooped by a real shark then watch this movie in 2D, 3D, 4D or Double D. September 2.

Straw Dogs
I saw this preview and thought: "Hey, now there is a movie that will probably suck." Then I learned more about it and like the fact that it's a remake and said: "Hey, there is a movie that will suck!" X-Men (movie version) Bitch Cyclops plays the "out of towner" in this tale of some local boys that go all crazy because he hooks up with their woman. I'm still confused why they all get mad and not just the one guy who dated her, unless they all "dated" her at once. If so, maybe Bitch Cyclops should reconsider dating her to begin with? But then there wouldn't be a movie... so yes, he should definitely do that! Don't see this movie just because it has a stupid name and the content can only be stupider. September 16.

Killer Elite
Boys will be boys. Kill stuff! Blow shit up! Cuss and swear and grab boobies! YEAH MAN TIME! THIS MOVIE IS... looking pretty bad. September 23.

The Rebound
I threw my computer out the window after fifteen seconds of this trailer. While picking up the pieces I considered the fate of Hollywood. It just seems like the same romantic comedies with different actors over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Repetition gets annoying doesn't it? I don't hate romantic comedies, I hate bad romantic comedies. I hate unoriginal romantic comedies. Once my laptop was reassembled I thought: "I should warn people about this." Consider yourself warned. Oh and Catherine Zeta-Jones is old now. October.

Real Steel
Looks like Wolverine has given up his claws in favor of Rockem Sockem Robots. What a sad state of things to come. In this future, no longer will men prove themselves by beating on each other senselessly, no, they must use robots to beat other robots into submission. It looks bad. October 7.

Really? October 14.

The Three Musketeers
The trailer really had me excited until half way through when they showed the Zeppelins. From then on all I could do was hum Stair Way to Heaven and laugh at how ridicules this movie looks. It seems they threw everything good about the Musketeers books out the window and replaced it with modern day Hollywood thrills and creamy graphical effects. The only thing I find remotely believable is Orlando Bloom playing the snobby arrogant bitch of a Prince. October 21.

Puss In Boots
They aren't done milking the dried up teat of Shrek yet? November 4.

They thought long and hard about the title of this movie. Think tanks across the world put their minds together to come up with a name for the movie about the number 11 and how awesome it is. I bet Sesame Street even did come work for them. Did they ever stop to think the number 11 shows up so much because things that are vertical, when placed side by side, kinda look like 11? Is this an evil omen? Are forests really scary because they are filled with 11? No they are scary because of Man Bear Pig. 11 is a number. Any number is scary if you sit down and look at it, especially if you are mathematically retarded like myself. Do I really have to give the date? November 11.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
I took a big ole dump today. For reasons I don't yet fully understand, I turned around and looked into the bowl just before flushing. I saw the trailer for this movie floating around with the toilet paper. I thought "Oh, well that's pretty creative for shit, but it's still shit." November 18.

Piranha 3DD
No, I didn’t add that extra D to the title. They did that of their own free will. If I were an emo person I’d be carving myself a full body mural of the Grand Canyon right about now. 3DD? What's that extra D stand for? Dumb, drivel, dick-less, douche; a few of my suggestions. Are we almost through this embarrassing time in movies? Can we ever go back to the good old days of bad movies not made even worse by cheesy 3D effects? November 23.

The Muppets
At long last a movie I want to see. Seriously the Muppets represent everything good and true about the world. So help me God if they mess this movie up! How do you not like the Muppets? I’ll see this in theaters for sure. November 23.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Review: The Change-Up

The Wife: If you haven't figured it out already, we really like movies. Going to the movie theatre after a long day is a great way to relax. I bet you were expecting us to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes, but alas we chose the crude, yet fun, comedy. While I still want to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes (both James Franco and Tom Felton are in it!), I am quite pleased we chose The Change-Up. I was concerned that all of the funny parts were shown in the trailer, but I was completely wrong. It was hilarious and was much better than I expected it to be! In fact, I think it might just edge out Horrible Bosses in terms of humor. I pretty much laughed the entire time. I laughed so much that my abs, which were already sore from an ab workout, were in pain!

Honestly, I don't get why critics are trashing this movie. People seriously need to LIGHTEN UP! Sometimes a crude, foul-mouthed, ridiculous movie can be just the right medicine after a stressful day. Not every film has to be Oscar-worthy. Yes, I am talking to you, movie elitists! Also, if you want to see a good Ryan Reynolds movie, please see this instead of Green Lantern. Not only was Reynolds great, Jason Bateman was hilarious as well! With most comedy reviews, I can't say much more because I don't want to ruin all the jokes. If you want to just have a good laugh, go see The Change-Up!

Hobo Dan: Hi. How was your weekend? Mine, too short. See any good movies recently? So yeah the Wife pretty much summed up what I wanted to say about The Change-Up. It was just funny enough. I wasn't a huge fan of the end where it tired to send us all a message. I tend to like my comedies to just be uncensored funny. I guess I understand the whole idea of the switch-a-roo movie is that the people who have switched bodies are to see the light and realize how good they have it. I still felt the end dragged into this realm just a little too much. All in all it was a passable funny movie. There were great moments and boring moments. If you haven't seen it, I'd wait till your bored one evening and it's on Netflix.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Programing Notes

So I just plain ran out of ideas for today’s post. That’s when the Wife suggested I cop out and write about our upcoming posts for this month and fall. I proceeded to rudely inform her that the only thing I cop is a feel, but you probably don’t want to read the rest of that sentence. I told her I do not cop out on this blog and that I’d come up with something. I did not. That low nagging sound you hear is her explaining to me (again) that she is anyways right. I really think this heat has got to me. Every time I sit down to write my brain heats up and I feel like it’s going to explode. Then it does and I spend the next hour guiding my headless body around on all fours scooping slimy bits of brain back into my skull. So without brain power or will, I’ve decided to cop out and preview the blog for you. I feel so shameful. This schedule only includes the Thursday posts. Movie Monday will continue to be filled with Best Picture Project posts (Casablanca and Crash upcoming) and more current movie reviews.

See that paragraph you just read? Yeah I wrote that before I went to lunch and life struck me down with inspiration. It’s amazing how you can be so blindsided by people. A little back story? I frequent Little Caesars Pizza for lunch. I always get one bag of bread sticks without sauce and Mt. Dew. It helps that it is just across the street from where I work. Most of the time I go there when I’m feeling too lazy to drive or walk far (which is most of the time). So yesterday I ventured across the street. To my horror, I walked in the door and they had a plastic bag waiting for me with two bags of bread sticks and a Mt. Dew already to go. The guy said “I put a second bag of bread in there for you since you’re such a good customer.” I walked out of the store and instantly stepped in front of traffic in an attempt to end it all. Seriously I’m that guy? Not a good customer of say, a coffee shop or book store. Not even a damned comic shop? No, I’m the good customer of Little Caesars Pizza. Life has a funny way of telling you it’s time for a life style change.

Now back to your regularly scheduled cop out post…

Next Thursday (August 11) is my Fall Movie Preview. This time I’ll be covering September, October and November releases. For some reason this looks like a terrible fall season for new releases. While that is bad you viewers, it’s usually pretty good for me. It’s much less effort to verbally assault movies like Shark Night 3D than Transformers 3. But who am I kidding; I don’t have trouble poking fun at any movies. Go a head, try me! Find a movie I won’t/can’t mock. I double dog dare you.

On August 18 the Wife and I will celebrate four years of murder free marriage. To mark the occasion I will be composing a lovely blog post for your reading pleasure. It may or may not contain embarrassing stories.

August 25 the Wife will be going solo (gigity) with her very own Fall 2011 TV Preview. She is going to break down all the major network’s upcoming shows, from returning favorites to fresh meat sure to only get one season before being devoured by a new CSI or Law & Order. You’ll also get a good idea why I don’t watch much television and what keeps me up at night clinging to my sword in an attempt to protect my very soul from the civilization destroying powers of the Jersey Shore and just about anything else MTV does these days.

September 1 will bring our full on explosion of information about the 2011 Mothman Festival in Point Pleasant, West Virginia. It runs from Friday, September 16 to Sunday, September 18. Not only do we hope you enjoy our preview, but we also hope it compels you to come to the festival and see it for yourself. Let us know you’re coming and we will make sure to meet up with you!

I’ve thought long and hard about revealing this final point. I came to the conclusion that if I’m serious about finishing it then there is no better motivation than to publicize it now. For a few weeks I’ve been working on some short episodic stories. The idea is to write around 10 of them and then publish them here on Thursdays every week. This goes back to the original idea for this blog, which was to get me writing on a regular basis. Assuming I really finish the first 10 episodes and that they aren’t just terrible, I plan to start their publication early to mid October.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Review: Horrible Bosses

Hobo Dan: Ah, it's glorious to escape the death and destruction that surely would have ensued if my wife had made me see The Smurfs movie. I so dreaded seeing that movie because it looked like crap. It is also nice to go to a movie that has been out for a while, so I can be all antisocial. There is nothing worse than seeing a movie while sitting next to Mr. can't sit still. Or Mr. sweaty nerd. Or Mr. over powering cologne. Or Mr. has to talk the whole time. I've had all these experiences this summer. I really need to be a professional at is so I can see all the movies in empty theatres like that fat guy who hates video games. Horrible Bosses was pretty funny. Not the funniest movie I've ever seen, but pretty good. I do think it was better than Hangover 2. It's your average idea; characters in ridiculous situations, making even more ridiculous decsions, cussing along the way. It was nice to see Charlie Day from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia; he is always funny. I'm not going to say too much more because it funny and I don't want to ruin it for you. If you like funniness go see it. Or at this point wait until it comes to Blu-Ray or Netflix because with how fast things are coming out these days it could be out tomorrow.

The Wife: After joking with the husband pretty much the entire summer about making him see The Smurfs movie, I made the decision to see Horrible Bosses instead. I think The Smurfs could be cute, especially because Neil Patrick Harris is in it *swoons*.  However, when old childhood favorites become movies the results can be disastrous. I would still like to see Smurfs, but I can wait to Netflix it. As for Horrible Bosses, I had wanted to see it for awhile. I love funny movies. Horrible Bosses was released when we were in Florida, and when we returned from vacation we had the two major summer movies to see: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and Captain America. So, I was excited to finally have the opportunity to see Horrible Bosses as well as to escape the child crowded movie theatre that certainly would have coincided with The Smurfs.

If you have a sense of humor, then go see Horrible Bosses or at least plan to add it to your Netflix queue. Although it wasn't quite at the level of The Hangover funny, it was still pretty hilarious. I really enjoyed the cast. As the husband mentioned, it was nice to see Charlie Day from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on the big screen. Jennifer Anniston also rocked this movie. It was fun to see her play a very different role from her usual movie genre. I can't really say anything more because I don't want to spoil the jokes.