Thursday, August 11, 2011

Fall 2011 Movie Preview

I'm feeling extra ruthless today. Just didn't get enough mean out at work so here I am to pile it on these poor movies. If you haven't read one of these before here is the deal. I going tell what I think is worth dropping hard earned coin on at the theatre or what you should wait to see until video or Netflix. The final category in my little exercise are movies that you should never, ever see. I mean these are the kinds of movies that are so bad they cause blindness and stuff. Just warning you.

Fright Night
Okay I know this technically comes out in August, but I missed it in the Summer Preview for some reason so I'm going to let you in on the secret now. This movie will suck giant vampire balls. If you see this movie I am going to be physically mad at you. Here is a real quote from the movie: "I can smell your fear." Colin Farrell I can smell your terrible acting, and taste it. Don't see it in theaters, instead steal Blu-Ray copies from Wal Mart when it comes out and burn them. August 19.

Apollo 18
I can't wait to see how many people actually think this is real. So many stupid people go see movies it's bound to happen. This movie should be called Blair Witch on the Moon. I think it's fair to say the Blair Witch genre of movies was born and died with Blair Witch so why people are still making films like this is beyond my comprehension. Also, they shot the movie in the old school film ratio they had on the Apollo missions. While this sounds cool on paper, is anyone here excited to watch a movie on the big screen that only takes up half the screen? They should have pooped this straight to DVD and never spoke of it again. See this only if held at gun point, and even then I might choose the bullet. September 2.

Shark Night 3D
I bet you guys think I want to see this don't you? What gave it away the 3D in the title or my unquenchable love of sharks eating horrible actors? Where did they get that damned shark cage in the trailer? They are on a lake! I've been to lakes before, never once did I think of packing a shark cage "just in case". Seriously, don't get in the water. How hard was that? Now you're safe from the man eating sharks that somehow go into and managed to live in the fresh water lake. I'm guessing the writer came up with one line of dialog to explain all that so they could get back to the murder and still be able to pretend they are actual writers. Not fooled gentlemen, not fooled. You make us all very sad. I'd rather be eaten, digested and pooped by a real shark then watch this movie in 2D, 3D, 4D or Double D. September 2.

Straw Dogs
I saw this preview and thought: "Hey, now there is a movie that will probably suck." Then I learned more about it and like the fact that it's a remake and said: "Hey, there is a movie that will suck!" X-Men (movie version) Bitch Cyclops plays the "out of towner" in this tale of some local boys that go all crazy because he hooks up with their woman. I'm still confused why they all get mad and not just the one guy who dated her, unless they all "dated" her at once. If so, maybe Bitch Cyclops should reconsider dating her to begin with? But then there wouldn't be a movie... so yes, he should definitely do that! Don't see this movie just because it has a stupid name and the content can only be stupider. September 16.

Killer Elite
Boys will be boys. Kill stuff! Blow shit up! Cuss and swear and grab boobies! YEAH MAN TIME! THIS MOVIE IS... looking pretty bad. September 23.

The Rebound
I threw my computer out the window after fifteen seconds of this trailer. While picking up the pieces I considered the fate of Hollywood. It just seems like the same romantic comedies with different actors over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Repetition gets annoying doesn't it? I don't hate romantic comedies, I hate bad romantic comedies. I hate unoriginal romantic comedies. Once my laptop was reassembled I thought: "I should warn people about this." Consider yourself warned. Oh and Catherine Zeta-Jones is old now. October.

Real Steel
Looks like Wolverine has given up his claws in favor of Rockem Sockem Robots. What a sad state of things to come. In this future, no longer will men prove themselves by beating on each other senselessly, no, they must use robots to beat other robots into submission. It looks bad. October 7.

Really? October 14.

The Three Musketeers
The trailer really had me excited until half way through when they showed the Zeppelins. From then on all I could do was hum Stair Way to Heaven and laugh at how ridicules this movie looks. It seems they threw everything good about the Musketeers books out the window and replaced it with modern day Hollywood thrills and creamy graphical effects. The only thing I find remotely believable is Orlando Bloom playing the snobby arrogant bitch of a Prince. October 21.

Puss In Boots
They aren't done milking the dried up teat of Shrek yet? November 4.

They thought long and hard about the title of this movie. Think tanks across the world put their minds together to come up with a name for the movie about the number 11 and how awesome it is. I bet Sesame Street even did come work for them. Did they ever stop to think the number 11 shows up so much because things that are vertical, when placed side by side, kinda look like 11? Is this an evil omen? Are forests really scary because they are filled with 11? No they are scary because of Man Bear Pig. 11 is a number. Any number is scary if you sit down and look at it, especially if you are mathematically retarded like myself. Do I really have to give the date? November 11.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
I took a big ole dump today. For reasons I don't yet fully understand, I turned around and looked into the bowl just before flushing. I saw the trailer for this movie floating around with the toilet paper. I thought "Oh, well that's pretty creative for shit, but it's still shit." November 18.

Piranha 3DD
No, I didn’t add that extra D to the title. They did that of their own free will. If I were an emo person I’d be carving myself a full body mural of the Grand Canyon right about now. 3DD? What's that extra D stand for? Dumb, drivel, dick-less, douche; a few of my suggestions. Are we almost through this embarrassing time in movies? Can we ever go back to the good old days of bad movies not made even worse by cheesy 3D effects? November 23.

The Muppets
At long last a movie I want to see. Seriously the Muppets represent everything good and true about the world. So help me God if they mess this movie up! How do you not like the Muppets? I’ll see this in theaters for sure. November 23.

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