The Process

As I dive back into the world of Relay and begin the slow process of bringing these characters back to life, I have to stop and think about what makes me write in the first place. Writing is not easy. In fact for most people writing is hard work. It is certainly hard work for me. So why do I fill my free time with it?

I believe it starts with my desire to tell a story. Ever since I can remember I have enjoyed entertaining people. Somewhere along the line I became terribly introverted, so writing was only natural. I cannot stand in front of people and speak, sing, dance or tell jokes. If I had to do any of this, I’d probably melt under the intense scrutiny. Often I’ll make an off handed comment, play it back in my head and cringe at how utterly stupid it must have sounded, and that’s when speaking to two or three people. So writing works because it’s not in person and I have the chance to edit myself and tell myself how stupid I sound. I’ve been writing stories for as long as I’ve been able to write. I want to say something and be heard. I think we all do. The problem is figuring out what it is you want to say in the first place.

It’s easy to say “I am afraid of getting old and dying.” But that’s not compelling. Everyone is conscious on one level or another that life has an end. How we express ourselves about it is what I’m talking about; working through the anxiety to find some meaning to it all. That’s why I write these dumb little stories. I am searching. I’m talking to myself. My brain is slowly digesting the world, searching for a reason in all this madness. It just poops out as stories.


P.S. – Sorry for the lack of April posting, we’ve been sick/busy. Seeing 42 this weekend, will report on Monday.

2011: Dump Year in Review

Hobo Dan: So where the hell have we been? It’s been a busy fall, let me tell you. We organized a 5K run, attended some sort of gathering every weekend starting in mid-October, both have been sick (the Wife twice!), field dressed a cat, had another car problem (on the first day at my new job!), got a PS3, learned that my suit jacket (which I’ve had for two years) has real pockets and that they just sew them shut for packaging, avoided mowing the lawn one last time, fought with the Wife about jack-o-lanterns, fought with the Wife about everything else, apologized to the Wife about being wrong in all the fights, threw caution to the wind, had caution blown back in my face, ate a lot of holiday food and (if you can believe it) completely forgot/was too lazy to even think about blogging over the last few weeks. Our sincerest apologies.

The Wife: Again, sorry for the lack of posts as of late. Like many of you the holidays are an extremely busy time for us. Pesky sinus infections don't help with blogging either! First off, we've failed to review two awesome movies that we've seen this month. Sadly, our collective favorite movie of 2011 will not receive it's own separate review due to time constraints. But, we will discuss it briefly! I know, I know, you are BURSTING with anticipation!

The new Muppet movie, The Muppets, is without a doubt the BEST movie of the year! We saw this when I was feeling under the weather, but at the same time had cabin fever and desperately needed out of the house! Well, this film proved to be excellent medicine! It perked both of our spirits right up. Growing up always loving the Muppets, made the nostalgia of the movie particularly great. It even brought a few tears to my eyes when they sang the infamous "Rainbow Connection." So if you haven't yet done so, plan to see The Muppets! It delivers laughs and is just plain fun — something we all need every now and then! We also saw Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, and it too, did not disappoint. It was much like the first film, clever, witty and action packed. If you can't make it to the theatre to catch this flick, give it a view when it comes out on Blu-ray and DVD in a few months.

Hobo Dan: I was not kidding when I proclaimed on the Facebook that The Muppets is my favorite movie of 2011. There is nothing to dislike about this film. If you don’t like it, you have no soul. After a year of being beaten to a pulp by the economy and society and idiocy and reboots and sequels and everything else, The Muppets truly energized me and made me feel good, young and happy; even if for only a short time.

The Wife: We suppose we should discuss our Christmas celebrations too. As usual our holiday was great, despite the aforementioned pesky sinus infection. We both got a lot of great gifts, had fantastic food, including quite possibly the BEST turkey ever that WE cooked for Christmas Day dinner, and of course, enjoyed new and old traditions with family and friends. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Festivus, we hope your holidays were a blast!

So now for the burning question...how was our 2011? Well it's been quite an interesting year filled with new events and exciting change. For a year that started rather rough, it has ended quite well for both of us. The beginning of 2011 was filled with too much snow (funny now that we are complaining about the lack of snow where we live...grass is always greener right?). The winter months also brought the start of our Best Picture Project. Yes, we know it's been quite awhile since we last did a BPP review, but don't fret, more will be coming your way in 2012! In March we had quite a bit of fun on St. Patrick's Day! Gimme Da Gold! Then spring time brought about Easter and of course, my (the wife) birthday celebrations! Yes, celebrations, plural. Didn't you hear? My birthday is basically a month long holiday. FACT. Thanks to Charlie Sheen's insanity of the year, the slogan of this year's birthday bash was "Winning" as the tiger blood runs deep within my veins! On the day of my party, we also ran a 5K together and I took home a first place win! With my win, I got a $50 gift card to Dicks...so can we say...wait for it...wait for it...WINNING!

The spring also brought a personal accomplishment for me as I finally scratched "run a half marathon" off my bucket list. I successfully completed the Flying Pig Half Marathon in Cincinnati, Ohio. It was a challenge, but a great experience. It provided me with a sense of accomplishment in regards to my running that I had not had since college. To read all about my experience, check out my half marathon post! While the spring did bring many positive moments, it also began the start of some very challenging months, which continued into the summer. The stressful time and late nights of work often put a strain on our sanity. To help ease the stress, we relaxed by seeing multiple movies over the summer. We also met one of my goals of 2011, a goal that I never really thought would come true! Yes, we visited The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure in Orlando, Florida. Click here for a full recap of our magical experience. It was fitting that we got to visit the Wizarding World this year, as it was basically the summer of Harry Potter! While the books are my favorite, the Harry Potter film series will always hold a special place in my heart! Luckily I now own all of the films on Blu-ray, but it isn't the same knowing I won't get to anticipate a new movie anymore...that is until the emo reboot in twenty years. We also visited Walt Disney World, my favorite place on earth! Here you can find all of our mini summer vacation blogs. We can't forget that we also celebrated SHARK WEEK over the summer as well...you know otherwise known as the greatest week in television.

The end of summer and beginning of fall started to bring many good things to the DUMP family. I accepted a new job, which I love, and the husband accepted a promotion about a month later! Now that we are adjusting to our new positions, we hopefully will get back into a regular blogging rhythm for 2012!

So that brings us here. Despite the challenges, I think 2011 proved to be quite a great year. We hope to make 2012 even better! As we mentioned previously, we saw several movies this year...some good and some bad. Below we will each rank our top five movies of 2011. If you would like to further discuss our choices or tell us yours, please comment!

The Wife:
1. The Muppets
2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II
3. Captain America
4. The Hangover Part II
5. X-Men: First Class

Hobo Dan:
1. The Muppets
2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II
3. Thor
4. Captain America
5. Sherlock Holmes

We wish you all a very happy, healthy and safe new year! Be sure to look for our first Movie Monday post of 2012, set to publish Jan. 2. We will be sharing our thoughts on the recently released The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

Hobo Dan: And finally, because I know you all have been waiting patiently, the most viewed Dump the blog post of 2011 was... Statesticles with a huge 466 hits!

Nonsense

Turd-gobbling rat monkeys from outer space love the naked cinnamon challenge. They are, however, very cautious of smiling wobble-bangers in high heels providing hot wing contests. Those competitions always turn out to be kidnapping ploys sponsored by the Federal Bureau of Hot Wing Kidnapping Contests. The FBHWKC’s annual budget is 45 million, even though they only hold three events per year and employ seventeen agents. The rat monkeys try to avoid government programs because they don’t have green cards and only speak German. The rat monkeys chose to learn German to intimidate their mortal enemies, the drunken fart huffing mouse monkeys, who speak French. The mouse monkeys are arrogant wall bangers who refuse to use UPS because they claim to know exactly what brown can do for you, and they don’t like it. A certain mistranslation from English to French has led the mouse monkeys to believe the A-Team to be a nauseating sex maneuver. Those are only a few reasons for the rivalry between the two parties.

Now history shows us that people who speak German and people who speak French don’t get along; but the feud between the rat monkeys and the mouse monkeys has been going on long before they came to earth and learned its languages. One million years ago to the second from when I write this, the groups where created on their home planet. The mouse monkeys look nothing like a mouse or a monkey, they more resemble a goat. The rat monkeys look exactly like what you’d expect the offspring of a rat and a monkey to look like if thrown down the ugly tree. It is tradition in their culture to throw a new born from the highest branch of the ugly tree. If the child lives, it is welcomed to the community. If the child dies, it doesn’t have to live with its hideous appearance. The mouse monkeys on the other hand are born ugly but under go numerous plastic surgeries to make them look more like a huge purple Botox Oprah.

The rat monkeys that have migrated to America have had trouble holding to the ugly tree tradition. Without their homeland’s tree they have resorted to the American way to make people ugly, drugs, child abuse and McDonalds. All the rat monkeys that went to Europe are fine because there are forests of ugly trees there. Despite recent reports, relations between the two alien forces remain strained. The mouse monkeys have suggested the rats choke themselves on knives. The monkey rats insist they would rather use swords because the knives are too short to reach all the way down the esophagus. The rat monkeys have started using pooperangs when engaged in combat with the mice. Despicable little devices especially when you consider the high corn diet the rats enjoy. As tensions in the Middle East continue, it's only a matter of time before the true blood war between the turd-gobbling rat monkeys and the drunken fart huffing mouse monkeys breaks out in full. Stay tuned for updates on this most pressing issue. Good Day.

Zen and the Art of Rambling

I sat down to think about this weeks post, but nothing came to mind. However, my desire to consistently post; so not to leave the blog barren and sad face, as in the past, pushed me forward to this point. At this moment I have yet to gel on one particular idea. Sometimes my mind is jumping off so many cliffs I don’t know whether to hold my breath, protect my face or shit my pants. If someone paid people to daydream I’d be Bill Gates, without the glasses and unoriginal OS. Alas my dreams are prisoners to my mind, unless you all possess Inception capabilities. Now there was a good movie I hope to high hell they don’t make a sequel to. I’m tired of terrible, unnecessary sequels. Doesn’t anyone in Hollywood have anything original to say? How hard is it to just not copy everybody else? Here, just off the top of my head:

Two guys suddenly find themselves walking through the desert wearing women’s clothing. They don’t know each other and have no idea how they got there or even who they are. Soon they come upon an oasis and living in that oasis is an old woman who trades them some men’s cloths for the women’s cloths and predicts their futures. She says one of them will live and remember everything; the other will die. They both think this is utter bullshit until they find a coffin hidden at the bottom of the oasis lake and inside it, pictures of one of them with people he doesn’t remember. The man in the pictures looks very happy. They assume the man whose pictures are in the coffin will be the one to die. They search the oasis for more artifacts but find none. Soon they run out of food and return to the old woman only to see she has turned into a lion who wants to eat them. Insert five-minuet chase scene.

The old woman lion catches them both because they were too stupid to spit up and tells them, still as a lion, that she will eat one and spare the other. The man whose pictures were in the coffin steps forward to accept his fate. But the other man, who still has no memory of his past life, reflects on the pictures they found of the other man. He puts himself forward to be eaten, so the other man might find his happy family again. Just as the lion goes to take the first huge bite out of the man’s ass, a helicopter moves over a sand dune and a sharp shooter takes down the lion. The men are saved until they realize the crew of the helicopter is after them, not the lion. The men are taken to a strange compound and raped mercilessly. Just before one of them dies, he looks at the other and says "I remember..."

Well you get the idea; it’s not that hard to come up with original ideas. I’d watch that movie, as long as the writer was able to conjugate an ending that tied all that crazy shit into a nice little bow and spoon-fed it to me so my Neanderthal mind would understand. How hard could that be? Speaking of hard… salami sandwiches, I haven’t had one of those in a long time. Which obviously brings me to that sham of a theory called time. I mean seriously, what bull. But go ahead and keep living in your little dream world where the sun comes up because it's time too, not because your pathetic little spot on the earth rotated to face it. So, this seems like enough for now. Remember, if life gives you lemon-lime Gatorade, combine it with some antifreeze and you have the perfectly disguised poison for your enemies.

Dump, out.

P.S. Don't forget to follow me on the Twitter!

Let the Fire Fall

Short story time! This is the first part of a currently unfinished short story. If you like it comment and provide thoughts on where I might be going with it. Hate it? Let me know why, no one ever improved their writing without criticism.

Let the Fire Fall

The once magnificent cityscape had now been reduced to mere rubble. Formerly the centerpiece of high civilization, now lay ruined by war and fear. The monolithic buildings whose heads once peaked into the heavens were now cement skeletons of their former selves. Debris and gore littered the ancient streets where great operas and plays once drew audience. The sky was dark, polluted by smoke and dust; midday seemed like dusk and midnight, death itself. Citizens ran in fear from the city, as soldiers marched, orderly into it. They defended other cities and after this one, more would surely follow.

Sparse machine gun chatter provided beat as a small group of regulars crept through a particularly rubble cluttered street. Each dressed in the standard grey of their military. Only a patch on their left arm could tell regular from officer. They had no officer with them though; he was dead. All of them were covered in dark soot, which masked most of their telling features. They held their rifles at ready and moved cautiously through the shallow valleys of rock and metal. A heavy smoke lingered in the air, which made looking ahead almost impossible. As they moved through the street, the sound of artillery echoed in the distance. A few of the men shuttered, but the rest were far to accustom to the sound to even notice. Without thinking the lead man cocked up his arm and all in the group dropped to he ground, or behind some rubble. The lead man did the same, but occasionally risked a look ahead to where he had been looking. A figure appeared out of the haze, running. The lead man yelled out, and when the answer was satisfactory, all the others came out of hiding to meet this new comer.

But he wasn’t a new comer at all. He was a scout they had sent forward three days before. Their officer had sent him to see what lay ahead, before he died. The man was breathing hard, but took time to swallow a copious amount of water when it was offered. “Those bastards have taken every bridge along the west side.” He began. “The east side doesn’t look much better, but there seems to be more resistance there.” He slowly looked around the group. “Where’s the Cap?”

“They shot him yesterday. Took two others as well.” Said the leader of the group. He looked at the ground. “Let the fire fall.”

“Shit, yeah.” The scout said remorsefully. “So what’s the plan now?” The leader didn’t answer. “Dan? What the hell are we gonna do now!”

“We’re gonna go on with our mission and take the fiftieth street bridge. We’re gonna hold it until backup arrives, then we will wait for new orders. That is what we are going to do!” Dan looked at the scout.

“Are you fucking crazy? There are ten of us now! We can’t hold a bridge against them!” he looked around at their faces. “You guys gonna do just like your told aren’t you?” No one answered. He shook his head. “I’m done with this war, with all of it. I’m done with all of you!” He stood and removed his regular patch. “Here”, he handed it to Dan.

Dan pulled out his handgun and cocked it. “You’re not done.” He said flatly. The scout turned to face him. Dan pulled the trigger and let two rounds fly into the scout’s chest. He walked over to the squirming body and put another shot into his head. Dan turned to the rest of the group.

“Anyone else wanna leave?” Silence. “Then move out! James, take point for a while. Matt, burn the body, we don’t need him coming back.” The red headed boy walked over to the scout’s body. He peered into the scout’s still open eyes and pulled the trigger of his flamethrower. After the burning, they moved on from that spot without looking back.

It began to get dark when Andrew James motioned for them to take cover. Dan, still hovering in back of the group, quickly moved forward to get eyes on the situation. He moved past Matt and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“What’s up?” He asked of James.

“Heard gun fire, closer than it has sounded all day. I reckon we’re close enough to the bridge that Scotty may have been right. Seems there might be some resistance up here.”

“We should still move carefully,” Dan looked rather bleak. “I would rather not get into the middle of someone else’s fight.” He looked back at the group and motioned a hearty looking lad forward. “Get up there and have a look. Get back here quickly! Go!” The boy shot forward into the smoky darkness.

“You sent George?” James mocked.

“Yeah.”

“You know he’s slow as hell and just as dumb?”

“Yeah.” Dan continued looking forward to where the gunfire sound was emanating. James looked into his eyes for an answer. “He may be a dumb shit,” Dan said finally “But he’s loyal. He won’t run off on me when given the chance.” James was becoming quite wary of Dan’s leadership abilities, his face showed it. They entrenched themselves there for sometime, waiting on George to return with a report. Some of them ate, some of them smoked, very few slept. As Dan lit a cigarette, a figure stumbled out of the darkness. Dan was so startled by it he burnt his fingers. Cussing under his breath he raised his rifle, the rest of the troop did the same.

George came fumbling out of the darkness. To their horror, he was missing an arm and a chunk of his skull was showing; he was drenched in his own crimson blood. He stopped and looked at them all. Dan stared into his eyes for a moment. “Well?” George nodded his head and fell to the ground, dead. “Burn ‘im!” Dan yelled as he walked past the body. Matt did as he was told. James came up beside Dan.

“What the hell?”

“We move in.” Dan was looking very out of body.

“What? Are you fucking craz—“ Dan had wheeled around to face him, pistol out.

“I am not crazy, I assure you.” James nodded in a hesitant agreement and the group walked on, toward the gunfire.

Night had fallen, but there were some piles of burning rubble to mark their way now, as they came nearer the action. The machinegun chatter increased in volume as they went onward. Dan took lead again, they didn’t stop; they weren’t moving carefully now. They came to an intersection, they should have stopped before crossing, but Dan had them at a full run. A tall member of their party fell to the ground, his head few into the air, then they heard the shot.

The cross fire began.

Ambushed!

“Suppressive fire!” Dan barked “Flair! Flair! Let the wind blow!”

Matt sent up the flair so they could see. They returned fire. James threw a grenade.
BOOM! Rock and dust went everywhere.

“Aahhhh!” another member of their group went down, shrapnel peppering his face. Matt shot up another flair and hurled a second grenade. Only six men remained in their ranks now. Dan and James were shooting viciously; three others were picking targets. After three minutes, the battle was over. For a moment all was silent, then Matt looked about around at the men just as James jumped onto Dan, yelling like a mad man.

“You sick bastard!” He threw a punch. “You knew moving fast was risky! Now two more dead.” They struggled on “Only six of us left! Ahhhhhhhh!” Matt grabbed James and threw him off; two others had a hold of Dan.

“They died for the cause!” Dan yelled wildly. They looked into one another’s eyes for a moment.

“Died for the cause? We go from city to city, trying to fend these bastards off! Does it work? Never, they always win! They can’t be beat, their too powerful, too infecting! Cap knew that.” Then it hit James. “Cap wasn’t shot by them was he?” Matt’s eyes flew to him, then to Dan. “YOU shot him in the back, didn’t you? Right as they attacked!”

“Cap was an ignorant fool.”

“You did! Damn you! Matt, he did didn’t he? You burnt him, where was the wound? In his back I bet!” Matt said nothing; the others weren’t sure what to do.

“You all would be dead now if not for me!” Dan screamed with insanity. Before anything else could be said, they heard a voice. Then more voices. They forgot their yelling and ran for cover. All together they ran toward the bridge once more. Shots rang in their ears. James was hit in the leg and went down. Matt stopped to help him, but Dan took out his pistol and motioned him on. They both looked into James’s eyes one last time and ran into the darkness. Moments later came the most painful scream one could imagine. The five of them ran on, and soon the smoke and dust of the city streets cleared and before them ran a great river, over which set the grandest bridge they had ever seem. The sky was dark with clouds and across the river, the city continued. Great pillars of smoke rose up from the ruined city. Ships flew overhead on bombing runs. One of the men looked out and saw the enemy force, marching over the bridge.
“W-we can’t repel that! They are behind us too. We must flee!”

“NO! WE FIGHT!” The others looked at Dan. “You will fight! Let the glory come down!” Artillery was falling everywhere now, blasting the paved streets into dust. Dan pulled his handgun again and motioned the men to charge. One did not and he was promptly shot in the head. A mortar blast tore into the others. Chaos! Dan and Matt charged on. Then Dan fell to a bullet; he screamed something about being free. Matt stopped to look back at him. For a moment time stood still, Matt had no intentions of helping him. Bullets were flying everywhere. Another mortar fell from the sky. It landed right on Dan in a blast of flesh and pavement. There was no time to think. Alone, surrounded. A third mortar threw Matt from the bridge and into the ice cold water below. He thought of home, of his brother, of undeath.