With 2012 bringing the apocalypse, I thought I’d put together a list of survival gear I find vital to living post 2012. I will remind you this list is only helpful if you actually manage to survive the initial destruction. If the end comes at the hands of a giant rouge planet or meteor smashing into Earth, this list is utterly useless. Also bear in mind you need to be smart enough to use these items. You have one year to gather and learn, good luck!
Remote Underground Survival Habitat: Your R.U.S.H. is vital to living through the 2012 Armageddon. It is a safe, warm place to kick up your heels and laugh as all the nonbelievers suffer terrible, indescribable deaths.
Water: A few months supply should get you through the onset of the end times. A good filtration system will stretch it out even longer; just don’t expect me to drink your disgusting urine water.
Food: Spam, freeze dried meats and fruits, Tang, jerky, canned goods, artificial sweeteners, powdered milk, imitation eggs, facon (fake bacon), McDonald’s French Fries; all these things will keep forever, just don’t forget the cyanide capsules for when you’ve had enough.
Clothes: The chances that the apocalypse results in a tropical, united utopian nudist colony are very very slim. Bring layers.
Weapons: I'm not hot on guns. Guns require ammo. Ammo runs out and you're left with a bludgeoning weapon at best. Take a note from The Walking Dead and get a cross bow! Or get creative and make your own tool for hunting/self defense. My head is spinning with ideas born from my office cubical; the deadly pencil cross bow! If the initial projectile doesn't get them, the lead poisoning will! Knives and swords are also good, but they make hunting particularly difficult; not impossible, just difficult. You ever try to run down a deer carrying an official movie replica of Aragorn's sword, Narsil? Didn't think so...
Companions: As much fun as Apple's Siri is, when shit goes down, she can't carry her weight. Get some people together and choose a rally point for when things go south. Store some of your crap there. Bring cookies.
Intelligence: Lets face it, the end of the world is really just a giant survival of the fittest event and some of you aren't going to make the cut.
Musical Instruments: Keeping sprits high is always important. However, the guy that brings his recorder from sixth grade should be shot on site.
Duct Tape: Seriously stock-pile this stuff! Have you even seen Mythbusters? They made a boat and a plane out of Duct Tape. Come on people!
Solar Powered Crap: If it’s solar powered it’s gold, unless of course the sun is blocked by devastating nuclear winter or volcanic ash or terrible storms or you’re forced to live underground in some sort of cave or you can only go outside at night. Hmmmm, now that I think about it, don’t let collecting them take up too much of your time.
Rope: Rope, in the hands of the properly trained person, is almost as useful as Duck Tape. But, if you’ve gathered three miles worth of rope for the end times, and don’t even know how to tie a square knot, then all you really have is three miles of rope to hang yourself with. Wait; check that, you won’t know how to tie a noose either.
A Calculator: Because I didn’t pay nearly enough attention in math class. Did you?
An Aluminum Trash Can: Put this in the basement with a radio and batteries and any other electronic devices you’d like to keep around inside of it. In the event of huge solar flair or massive EMP attack, the can will protect these items from destruction. Good luck finding a decent radio station to listen to.
A Bug Out Bag: Contains Off Bug Spray, citronella candles, matches, bug nets. Keep in mind nuclear fallout could mutate the bugs to unreasonable sizes. If you believe this actuality is likely, also include DVD copy of Starship Troopers for training in large bug extermination.
DVD Player: How else do you plan on watching Starship Troopers?
Metallica’s Black Album: At some point you will have to make your final stand against the forces of evil in the brutal post-2012 world, wouldn’t you like to do so with a proper soundtrack?
Scuba Gear: Particularly if you live east of the Appalachian Mountains or west of the Rocky Mountains and it's a glacial melt situation.
A Doctor: You probably don’t have time to go to med school, so convince a Doctor to come live in your R.U.S.H. until at least February 1, 2013. Bend the definition of the word “convince” if necessary.
Pie Making Materials: Who wants to live in a world without pie?
A Clock: Seriously, the clock we keep in our living room died a few weeks ago. I am so disoriented. When should I eat or sleep? This sun dial isn't compatible with my energy saving light bulbs for some reason.
Showing posts with label Nonsense. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nonsense. Show all posts
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Look into my Crystal Balls
I made a prediction in last week’s post about our luck with traveling and waiters. I was right and wrong. First I said we would have terrible service. Correct. We arrived at the Red Lobster (it's Crab Fest!) in Charleston at 4 p.m. and had to wait 15 minutes on a Thursday! I’d say 90 percent of the tables were sitting empty. If I were Don Draper I’d have destroyed that weaselly little host. He didn’t look at me once; just kept staring at and talking to my wife. Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane… Anyways when we were seated we were informed by the on call manager that our server was busy with the party room, so he would be helping take care of us. He proceeded to pull out a note pad to take our drink order. I’ve never waited tables, but I’m pretty sure I could remember two drink orders for the 30 seconds it takes to walk back to the drink area. The manager also took our food order, which he got wrong, even though he wrote it down…
My second prediction was that we’d get a flat tire, because we always do. I had good reason to think it would happen. Look here and here for proof. Well, thankfully, I was wrong this time. We did run over something about three miles from home that made me think it had happened. If at that point the tire went flat, I would have jumped out of the car and pooped in the middle of the street to prove my psychosis. I’d have gladly gone to the loony bin and spent the rest of my days playing go fish in the corner with imaginary squirrels; never having to deal with cars or tires or waiters or people again. But the tire held and we made it home safe and sound. The ticking time bomb that is my sanity continues.
Seeing how I made three predictions and got two right; (66.68% accuracy) I’m thinking I’ll write my own book of predictions like Nostradamus. I’ll go with 100 predictions, which means around 66 of them will turn out right if my numbers hold up. I’m crossing my fingers that the discovery of the cholesterol free cow and the invention of the laundry folding machine come true. Seriously, we have a machine to wash our laundry. We have a machine to dry it. Why don’t we have a machine to fold it for us? I’m looking at you scientists, drop what you’re doing and get it done.
Here are a few other predictions I’d say are a pretty fair bets to come true:
-The stock market will go up.
-The stock market will go down.
-After the Stock crash of 2020, Bacon will be recognized as the new world currency.
-In the year 2021 pigs will become extinct.
-All wars will soon be fought via video games. South Korea becomes most powerful country in the world.
-Rocky 7 is released in 2015. The plot involves Rocky being cryogenically frozen in 2011. In 2045 evil aliens come to earth and challenge us to a boxing match for control of the planet. They enter into the contest a robot version of Hitler. Our only choice is to unfreeze Rocky and put him through a rigorous training scene before doing battle with the evil alien robot Hitler. He loses, setting up Rocky 8’s story line.
-Rocky 8 will become the third highest grossing film of all time behind Avatar 5 in HD3DSHi-Fi+ and Shark Night 3D.
-France surrenders to someone.
-Samuel L. Jackson is elected first President of the Mother $%#&ing World. His inaugural address is televised on a 30 second time delay. In the speech he outlines the plots of every movie he’s ever been in; it takes five days.
-Planking is outlawed after a group of American college students are mistaken for building materials while touring Europe.
-Owling is outlawed after a group of American college students are shot while touring Europe.
-American college students are banned from Europe, so they go to Aruba.
My second prediction was that we’d get a flat tire, because we always do. I had good reason to think it would happen. Look here and here for proof. Well, thankfully, I was wrong this time. We did run over something about three miles from home that made me think it had happened. If at that point the tire went flat, I would have jumped out of the car and pooped in the middle of the street to prove my psychosis. I’d have gladly gone to the loony bin and spent the rest of my days playing go fish in the corner with imaginary squirrels; never having to deal with cars or tires or waiters or people again. But the tire held and we made it home safe and sound. The ticking time bomb that is my sanity continues.
Seeing how I made three predictions and got two right; (66.68% accuracy) I’m thinking I’ll write my own book of predictions like Nostradamus. I’ll go with 100 predictions, which means around 66 of them will turn out right if my numbers hold up. I’m crossing my fingers that the discovery of the cholesterol free cow and the invention of the laundry folding machine come true. Seriously, we have a machine to wash our laundry. We have a machine to dry it. Why don’t we have a machine to fold it for us? I’m looking at you scientists, drop what you’re doing and get it done.
Here are a few other predictions I’d say are a pretty fair bets to come true:
-The stock market will go up.
-The stock market will go down.
-After the Stock crash of 2020, Bacon will be recognized as the new world currency.
-In the year 2021 pigs will become extinct.
-All wars will soon be fought via video games. South Korea becomes most powerful country in the world.
-Rocky 7 is released in 2015. The plot involves Rocky being cryogenically frozen in 2011. In 2045 evil aliens come to earth and challenge us to a boxing match for control of the planet. They enter into the contest a robot version of Hitler. Our only choice is to unfreeze Rocky and put him through a rigorous training scene before doing battle with the evil alien robot Hitler. He loses, setting up Rocky 8’s story line.
-Rocky 8 will become the third highest grossing film of all time behind Avatar 5 in HD3DSHi-Fi+ and Shark Night 3D.
-France surrenders to someone.
-Samuel L. Jackson is elected first President of the Mother $%#&ing World. His inaugural address is televised on a 30 second time delay. In the speech he outlines the plots of every movie he’s ever been in; it takes five days.
-Planking is outlawed after a group of American college students are mistaken for building materials while touring Europe.
-Owling is outlawed after a group of American college students are shot while touring Europe.
-American college students are banned from Europe, so they go to Aruba.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Nonsense
Turd-gobbling rat monkeys from outer space love the naked cinnamon challenge. They are, however, very cautious of smiling wobble-bangers in high heels providing hot wing contests. Those competitions always turn out to be kidnapping ploys sponsored by the Federal Bureau of Hot Wing Kidnapping Contests. The FBHWKC’s annual budget is 45 million, even though they only hold three events per year and employ seventeen agents. The rat monkeys try to avoid government programs because they don’t have green cards and only speak German. The rat monkeys chose to learn German to intimidate their mortal enemies, the drunken fart huffing mouse monkeys, who speak French. The mouse monkeys are arrogant wall bangers who refuse to use UPS because they claim to know exactly what brown can do for you, and they don’t like it. A certain mistranslation from English to French has led the mouse monkeys to believe the A-Team to be a nauseating sex maneuver. Those are only a few reasons for the rivalry between the two parties.
Now history shows us that people who speak German and people who speak French don’t get along; but the feud between the rat monkeys and the mouse monkeys has been going on long before they came to earth and learned its languages. One million years ago to the second from when I write this, the groups where created on their home planet. The mouse monkeys look nothing like a mouse or a monkey, they more resemble a goat. The rat monkeys look exactly like what you’d expect the offspring of a rat and a monkey to look like if thrown down the ugly tree. It is tradition in their culture to throw a new born from the highest branch of the ugly tree. If the child lives, it is welcomed to the community. If the child dies, it doesn’t have to live with its hideous appearance. The mouse monkeys on the other hand are born ugly but under go numerous plastic surgeries to make them look more like a huge purple Botox Oprah.
The rat monkeys that have migrated to America have had trouble holding to the ugly tree tradition. Without their homeland’s tree they have resorted to the American way to make people ugly, drugs, child abuse and McDonalds. All the rat monkeys that went to Europe are fine because there are forests of ugly trees there. Despite recent reports, relations between the two alien forces remain strained. The mouse monkeys have suggested the rats choke themselves on knives. The monkey rats insist they would rather use swords because the knives are too short to reach all the way down the esophagus. The rat monkeys have started using pooperangs when engaged in combat with the mice. Despicable little devices especially when you consider the high corn diet the rats enjoy. As tensions in the Middle East continue, it's only a matter of time before the true blood war between the turd-gobbling rat monkeys and the drunken fart huffing mouse monkeys breaks out in full. Stay tuned for updates on this most pressing issue. Good Day.
Now history shows us that people who speak German and people who speak French don’t get along; but the feud between the rat monkeys and the mouse monkeys has been going on long before they came to earth and learned its languages. One million years ago to the second from when I write this, the groups where created on their home planet. The mouse monkeys look nothing like a mouse or a monkey, they more resemble a goat. The rat monkeys look exactly like what you’d expect the offspring of a rat and a monkey to look like if thrown down the ugly tree. It is tradition in their culture to throw a new born from the highest branch of the ugly tree. If the child lives, it is welcomed to the community. If the child dies, it doesn’t have to live with its hideous appearance. The mouse monkeys on the other hand are born ugly but under go numerous plastic surgeries to make them look more like a huge purple Botox Oprah.
The rat monkeys that have migrated to America have had trouble holding to the ugly tree tradition. Without their homeland’s tree they have resorted to the American way to make people ugly, drugs, child abuse and McDonalds. All the rat monkeys that went to Europe are fine because there are forests of ugly trees there. Despite recent reports, relations between the two alien forces remain strained. The mouse monkeys have suggested the rats choke themselves on knives. The monkey rats insist they would rather use swords because the knives are too short to reach all the way down the esophagus. The rat monkeys have started using pooperangs when engaged in combat with the mice. Despicable little devices especially when you consider the high corn diet the rats enjoy. As tensions in the Middle East continue, it's only a matter of time before the true blood war between the turd-gobbling rat monkeys and the drunken fart huffing mouse monkeys breaks out in full. Stay tuned for updates on this most pressing issue. Good Day.
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