Thoughts: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014

I think choosing the Ninja Turtle that best embodies yourself is on the same level of importance as sorting yourself and your friends into Hogwarts Houses. I am a Raphael. The Wife is Leonardo. Now some of you may say that combination is troublesome. I will agree that we often but heads, but just as the famous turtles, when united against a common enemy, we come together and some kick serious shell.

Which Turtle are you? Comment jerks.

So they made another Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I have words to say about it. Read them below.

Spoiler Alert!

TMNT2014 is not the best Ninja Turtles film, nor the worst. Let me put it this way, when the turtles are on screen, it’s great. Too bad they spend too much time not on screen. I understand they want to build up to the big reveal, but twenty odd minutes go by before seeing Ninja Turtles. That’s too damn long!

Also, the plot and motivations for everything are just terrible. I mean bad like few other films have ever done bad before. For instance, Splinter learns ninja from some ninja books he finds in the sewer. How did he learn to read? Also, the guy in the movie who owns a castle is motivated to be evil (and by evil I mean kill like, millions of people evil) because he wants to be rich(er). There is this level of wealth in which more money is but icing upon a huge, golden, dark chocolate cake. Owning a castle means you’re on that level. Also, who knew a castle hidden in a mountain range with 500 foot tall cliffs was within fifteen minutes of New York City? I could go on, and on, and on.

But I’ll leave you with this. People who made this movie (Michael “Assplosion” Bay) which has already had a sequel confirmed for 2016. You weren’t too far from a decent Turtles movie. The turtles themselves were good. Now focus on them some more and holy crap run the script by a seventh grader for consistency before you green light it.

If you like the Ninja Turtles, go see this, you’ll be entertained and have some fun laughing at the absurd plot. If you don’t like the Ninja Turtles then get out of my life.

Mini Review: Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians of the Galaxy is the best film Marvel Studios has produced thus far.

It’s better than Iron Man and sequels. It’s better than Thor and sequel. It’s better than (and it pains me to say this) Captain America and sequel. Hulk? Pffh…

It is better than The Avengers.

It’s funny, not because of short quips or references to other Marvel films, but because it’s actually written to be a comedy; not an action film trying desperately to keep things light.

It’s a better Science Fiction film than Thor.

It’s a better team coming together for the greater good film than The Avengers.

Chris Pratt maybe be having the best year ever with this, plus Lego Movie and next being in Jurassic Park 4 (he will most likely be the only good part of that) and the news he is up to play Indiana Jones in the unnecessary yet inevitable reboot.

The whole cast is great. I mean, a tree dude who has only one repeating line has more depth of character than Hawkeye, Black Widow, any and all other secondary characters within the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) and I’ll go right out and say it, if they replaced the Hulk with Groot for Avengers 2, I’d be fine with the move. With or without Rocket, though I prefer with!

I hope whatever James Gunn (Writer/Director) was smoking gets passed onto Joss Whedon because Guardians of the Galaxy was the kick the (progressively more stale) MCU needed rounding third on its way into Avengers 2.

Guardians of the Galaxy is awesome. A huge risk by Marvel that paid off. Go see it.

Thoughts: The Amazing Spider-Man 2

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was terrible.

I mean, it was really bad. Sure, there were some good performances. The action was decent, when it wasn't being interrupted by awkward teen romance. The CGI was great. But oh, wow, the sum of its parts was mind numbing.

The plot is so full of holes [insert tired and true Titanic reference]. Sure, every superhero movie is filled with plot holes we happily look past because of: great acting, funny dialog, interesting story, fun action, deep emotion, Robert Downy Jr., etc. Too bad Amaz-balls Spider-Man 2 had none of this.

The shear convenience of everything that happen in this movie blows me away. Every time you turn around something is exactly where the plot needed it to be. For no other reason at all. People can use highly complicated technology without ANY foreknowledge of it existence, let alone basic operation.

The villains were so utterly stupid. So, so stupid. First villain be like "Hey, I met you once on the sidewalk, I love you! But now I hate you because I wanted my face on the billboard." Second villain be like "Hey, we knew each other ten years ago when we were like nine and you were my friend, so now I'll turn to you for life saving help. You won't help? I hate you."

By the way, multiple villains in one super hero film is now officially played out. I'm calling it now. Pack it up.

And holy banzai balls the interpersonal relationship scenes between Mr. Parker and Miss Stacy are just so, so awful. Maybe I am an old fart. No, I am an old fart. Just because I am an old fart who likes to say fart does not mean I like to sit through scene after pace shattering scene of mumbling and looking at your feet and indecision and oh look, ghost Dad causing guilt for three scenes early in the film and now he's gone because, cuts!

I don't like this movie. I was okay with the emo reboot first one, but this is just garbage. Obviously, Sony plans to keep making these to hold onto the right so Spider-Man will NEVER be an Avenger. Which is fine I guess because good luck retconing him into Avengers 3 anyways.

Review: Thor: The Dark World

If you could see my desk at work, you’d understand my lack of motivation. I can’t show it to you because of a confidentiality agreement and I don’t post gore porn on this blog. Anyways, I saw Thor 2 last Friday…

How do I review a film when I don’t have strong feelings for it either way? I was entertained for the almost two hours my ever more flattened ass was crammed into the seats of the theater, but then we left the venue and honestly my mind has not returned to Thor: The Dark World until just now. I am not saying it was bad. I’m not saying it was good. It was everything I have come to expect from a Marvel Comics film. And there it is…

Insanely ridiculous plot, with serious climatic events, complemented by (numerous) comedic filler lines. It’s what we expect. And Thor 2 was exactly what I expected it to be. Sure, I thought some people would die and they didn’t. I didn’t see every little plot point coming, because I am not psychic and didn’t read spoilers, but nothing here surprised me. Nothing in Thor took me out of the theater and dropped me into an Asgardian adventure.

The effects were great. The action was some of the best in a Marvel movie to date. The acting was marvel movie acting. No Oscars here, but an acceptable level of average without too much cringe. It was a fun, if plot hole filled, romp continuing where the original Thor and Avengers left off. It even had some nice cameos.

So why can’t I shake the feeling I was disappointed by Thor 2? Hell, I’m pretty sure it was better than Thor 1. But nothing in Thor: The Dark World captured me like past Marvel films (Original Thor included). I had the same problem with Iron Man 3 and I am crossing my fingers the next Captain America doesn’t suffer the same fate.

Review: Carrie

Hobo Dan: The Wife had to convince me to see this. I generally do not go out of my way to see horror films. It’s not that I dislike horror films, but the general mindless hacking and slashing that takes place is lost upon me. The very fact that there are “rules” to horror films makes them so totally predictable. Have sex? You’re going to die. Born a minority? You’re going to die. Scoff at the notion of bad things happening in the dark/old house/woods? You’re going to die.

I've never see the original Carrie or any of the multitudes of remakes. I know the story though, just like people who've never seen Star Wars already know who Luke’s father is. Pop culture has a way of being soiled. So what can I say about the story? I mean its Carrie, what are you really looking for here? High school kids are dicks. High school kids need to learn to test for telekinetic powers before ridiculing other kids. Side Note: in the last several months I have seen TV shows and movies involving high school gym classes. They all have pools where they hold class on occasion. Where do these people go to school? Even Hogwarts doesn't have a pool.

The acting in Carrie is superb. On a casting note, I truly appreciate when Hollywood casts actors to play high school kids that look like they are actually in high school. Not that I want to piss of Grease fans, but that group of actors couldn't pass if it was about the ten year reunion. Anyways, Chloe Moretz was just fantastic as the sheltered title character. Now that I think of it, I don’t believe I've ever seen her not being great. Julianne Moore was convincingly demented as the Mother. The supporting cast was completely competent at what they were asked to do and again, looked the part of high school kids/teachers.

If you've seen the old Carrie’s, there isn't going to be much new for you here. If you've never seen Carrie, but like myself you know all about it, there isn't much new for you either. If those two sentences don’t cover you, then did you just get the internet and why did you choose to come here first?

The Wife: Having seen the old Carrie numerous times, I've come to appreciate the cheese and dated nature of the late 70’s film. Normally I’m not real big into re-makes, but once it was announced that Chloe Grace Moretz would be portraying Carrie in the new film, I was intrigued. I love her as Hit Girl in Kick-Ass and was excited to see how she would handle the iconic role of troubled, telekinetic Carrie.

Hobo Dan shockingly has never seen the original Carrie or previous remake, but as most non-hermit humans would, he already knows the story of the prom night gone horribly wrong. With the Halloween season here, I convinced him that Carrie would be an appropriate movie to see. He usually isn't big on horror films, but of course Carrie isn't the typical slasher/gory flick you get from your run of the mill scary movies like the Saw franchise.

As a child the character of Carrie never frightened me but her mother sure as heck did. At age 28, I found this to still be true. Julianne Moore played Carrie’s strict and let’s face it down right cray cray mom perfectly. I didn't think she could freak me out like the original actress, but Moore really lived up to the role! Moretz was fantastic as Carrie and it was nice to see her expand her range outside the likes of Hit Girl and the foil to Alec Baldwin’s Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock. She made me feel even more sympathy for Carrie than Sissy Spacek did in the original film. Both actresses were great, but each delivered a unique performance to the role.

I could really tell I was watching a well-done re-make when I found myself wishing and hoping that Carrie would have her dream prom night rather than the nightmare that I KNEW was going to happen. I credit that to Moretz. Overall this is a good movie. Not award worthy or anything, but a solid film.

Review: Gravity

So I am a space nerd. I mean I read space.com daily and weekly am surfing Wikipedia for explanations about physics concepts I have no business reading. I owned and watched the documentary Moon Shot over thirty times as an eleven year old. I shed tears when Alan Shepard died. Star Trek is a thing for me (don't mention Into Darkness). I want nothing more than for the US Government to hand NASA the keys to the Treasury so we can go to Mars, like, tomorrow. Why has no one built a real Millennium Falcon? What are we doing with our lives? If I was given the chance to go to space, I would take it. So obviously I should like Gravity, right? Not so fast.

First, and I'll keep this as spoiler free as possible,  if this movie is real life, Sandra Bullock is dead after the first exciting incident. Period. Then things only get crazier. I'm sorry, and I know it's a movie, but if you're going to promote your film for its scientific accuracy, then I can be all hands aboard the neck-beard ship. Don't get me wrong, the action makes for compelling drama and absolutely amazing visuals, but it could not happen.

But those visuals. Here they got it right. I have never been to space. I also generally hate floaty/shaky cameras, but in Gravity, they are used to make you feel like you're floating along side the actors and it works perfectly. The Wife commented several times how much she needed to vomit. Sidebar, when I go to space, she plans to stay home. And as much as it pains me to say, the 3D effects were also some of the best I have seen, despite the headache I suffered after. But the center piece to all this was the earth. Always there, always visible, always gorgeous. I could not tell if/when they used CGI versus real photography from satellites and that is about the biggest complement I can give.

The acting is meh. It's Sandra Bullock and George Clooney doing their thing. Par, passable, believable, not stunning or Oscar worthy. Also, under those spacesuits they wear a Liquid Cooling and Ventilation Garment, not a tank top and tight bun-huggers. Sorry, did I nerd out again? Anyways, the story is thoughtful and packs some decent impact and character development (even if very compressed). But honestly the analogy at the end is overtly obvious and once again screws with the science aspect of the film (I'll comment below on what this is, so not to spoil it here).

Gravity is a good film, not a great one. It's kind of like a supermodel who passed two years of college before dropping out; she has some brains, but it's still probably best if she leans on her looks to get through life.

The Movies of April 2013

April is full of a bunch of movies that, if I were rich and didn't need a job, I'd probably go see in theaters because I just like to see movies. But I don't live in that fantasy land of gum drops and rainbows. I live in the green hued Matrix where you are forced to sit down, shut up and do your work or the men in suits will come get you. I generally put Level 2's this months as, I'd see but don't have time or am too poor. You can sort it out I guess.

Don't forget the process I follow to find these little gems of film making. I go to IMDB, find the list of films for a given month and watch the trailers for said films. Then start writing. If I leave anything off this list then it is absolutely not worth my time. Remember, I use my totally made up Hype Rating System (HRS) to discern how much I want to see or not see these movies. Level 1: I plan to see this movie in theaters and so should you! Level 2: I'll probably wait until post theatrical release to see this film (Netflix, Blu-Ray, osmosis). Level 3: This movie will give you an STD. Level 4: I don't want to see it, but the Wife is making me; nothing I can do about it, I signed a contract.

April 5

Evil Dead - Level 3
Where is Bruce Campbell? Okay, I'm going to tear up my nerd-cred card now, I never saw the original Evil Dead films! Put down the pitch forks. I really don't know what to make of this movie. Did we need to remake the Evil Dead? I guess everything gets a remake these days; but we still can't get The Dark Tower made once! I assume from the trailer that they have obviously removed the campyness of the originals. It looks bloody, which I guess some people are into, but not me. Blood for bloods sake is just not appealing at all to me. I'll pass because I hate horror movies, remember?

Trance - Level 2
Young Professor X likes to steal art, too bad he got hit on the head and can't remember where he hid his most recent heist. Maybe a hypnotist can help? Looks like a decent heist/action/lost my memory mind f**k movie. It just doesn't scream "See me now!" I’ll wait till Netflix unless any of you know a good hypnotist that can beam it into my head sooner.

The Company You Keep - Level 2
Robert Redford is too old to jump that fence. Realism broken movie. You cannot go back. He is far to old to jump that fence. I cannot get over it. Oh, hi Shia LaBeouf, you still not dead for ruining Indian Jones? I should give you another chance, but you keep being you and I just don't want you. I see Even Stevens, I see smart ass kid in several other movies. You are a smart ass in every movie Shia and I cannot tolerate it. I cannot. You could probably believably jump that fence though...

Jurassic Park 3D - Level 1
Shut up and take my three extra dollars! Seriously, I am here writing this blog about movies because of Jurassic Park. One of the greatest films ever. Do not speak ill of this movie. You can say whatever you want about the sequels, but the original is an untouchable classic of our modern age and I will jump at every opportunity to see it in theaters, no matter what gimmick they add or price they ask.

The Brass Teapot - Level 2
A poor married couple finds a teapot, a brass teapot even, that spits out money every time they hurt themselves. Then the Jewish mafia comes looking for the teapot, so they have to run from them, while at the same time coming to terms with the corruption than comes from having money gush from the teapot as blood gushes from them. Kind of odd looking, quirky, just up my ally. It will never get within two hours of our theater, but see it if you get the chance and let me know how it turns out!

6 Souls - Level 2
Now here is a horror movie I can get on board with. The trailer wasn't filled with blood or shrieking women in their underwear. There is something very wrong with this guy and the doctor (Julianne Moore) just wants to find out what. No one expects that he is actually a serial killer who is consuming the souls of his victims.

April 12

Oblivion - Level 2
For all the crazy surrounding Tom Cruise, he does actually make some pretty good science fiction movies. I mean, Minority Report was awesome! Also, when I have the need for speed or am looking for a few good men or have an impossible mission to accomplish; I call Tom. I'd like to see Oblivion in theaters, but 42 is taking priority, a double feature maybe?

42 - Level 1
Baseball may just be the best sport to make movies about. And what better story than that of Jackie Robinson? The trailer touts this is the tale of a true American Hero and I tend to agree. Looks like a fine cast and we all know the story. Looking forward to this one.

Scary Movie 5 - Level 3
So what we have here is a parody horror franchise (Scary Movie) making fun of a satire horror franchise (Scream) that was making fun of traditional horror franchises. I’m just going to go ahead and jump on down to Limbo to await the climax of this cluster. After five movies, I think the joke may be getting a bit old. What happened to the idea of an actual comedy horror movie with clever and subversive laughs instead of obvious slap stick/bathroom humor?

To the Wonder - Level 2
I get serious Oscar vibes from this one, and it's not just because I like Javier Bardem. Aside from an all star cast including Bardem, Ben Affleck and Rachel McAdams, the trailer made it look very much like a thoughtful, introspective look at love that I'm sure will garner some attention next February.

April 19

The Lords of Salem - Level 2
So Evil Dead just dropped to the third best Horror movie this month, if you judge by trailers, which is the whole point of this blog post... Anyways, I like the idea of taking the Salem witch trails lore and making it into a quasi secret society for the devil kind of thing. Interesting. Also, written and directed by Rob Zombie for those who care.

April 26

Pain & Gain - Level 3
I did not watch the trailer for this film. I was going to. I even had it loading up. But then my mind pleaded with me not to spoil the fantastic plot synopsis it had written based totally based off the poster and title. Yes, I judged this book by its cover. In my version, FBI Agents Johan Pain and Bartholomew Gain (played by The Rock and Marky Mark respectively) must go deep undercover as inmates into a federal prison to uncover the truth behind the world largest illegal steroid ring. To gain the trust of the inmates, they must complete in painful secret bench press competitions against other inmates. They hear rumors of an ultra-competitive tournament and know that winning it is the key to uncovering the truth. After a long, homoerotic workout montage, they are able to enter the contest and end up in the finals facing one another. I won’t spoil the end. Guest staring Lance Armstrong.

The Big Wedding - Level 4
I just get the feeling The Wife is going to make me watch this. Well, it looks to have too much old people sex. Nothing against old people, but you know what I mean. Everything is fine, they are kissing and it all "Isn't that nice they are still so passionate after all these years!" Then suddenly Diane Keaton has her shirt off and Robert De Niro is all squinty and I can't tell if he's having a stroke or needs an eye exam. It's just a mess.

Mud - Level 2
LOL at Matthew McConaughey playing a character named Mud using his normal accent. "Muuud." LOL. I'm so ready for Star Trek all I can think about is Harry Mud. +10 points for those of you that know of whom I speak. I'd watch this, but children actors seem to play heavy rolls and I am very untolerant of most child actors. Maybe if Matthew was a few years older...

At Any Price - Level 2
You know, I see so many quotes flash by in the trailer telling me I should see this movie and how it's great. But then Zac Efron keeps running around with his shirt off racing cars and doing older women and I think "No." First, because Zac is spelled with a damned "H". ZacH! Second, okay I don't have a second. Looks alright, may even be good, but by April 26 I'll be so close to Star Trek into Darkness I can taste it and won't have time for ZacH or his chiseled, hairless chest. I can only my descriptions of ZacH's chest has not swayed this to Level 4 territory...

And so you have been told of the films of April. Now, go out and purchase new pants, because May is on the horizon. Are you not excited? Must I remind you of: Star Trek Into Darkness, Iron Man 3, The Hangover Part III and The Great Gatsby?

Review: Admission

Hobo Dan: Friday night after work, rank enthusiasm for the weekend ahead, I accessed my omnipotent mobile phone thingy, located the Fandango app and queried it for information about show times for Admission; the new Tina Fey/Paul Rudd talkie. The search came up empty for times at our local theater. Not to be denied, I made camp at a proper mouse and keyboard terminal and used the powers of Google to expose this misinformation from the dastardly phone. Much to my dismay, the local cinema was not showing Admission. After a brief period of extraordinary rage, resulting the in the total destruction of my mellow attitude, I sat back and played video games until slipping into an eye strain induced coma.

But I’m in the forgiving mood today. After seeing Admission, it’s very clear to me why our local, rural theater didn’t get it. I blame the trailers (or lack thereof) as much as anything for my anger. I enjoyed the film, but rural town Ohio is not the target market for this film. I see that now.

Admission is a well-acted drama/comedy about an Admissions officer at Princeton who had a child in college that she gave up for adoption. I won’t get into the plot anymore than that, but you can imagine where it is going. By the way, are the Ivy League schools really that snooty about themselves? I could get into a rant about the pretentions of our modern educational system and how at the best of times it tries to fit round pegs into square holes; and at the worst of times wholesale ruins the educational future of a child who learns differently, but this film kind of did that for me. I enjoyed that bit.

I enjoyed a lot of bits in Admission. It was entertaining and thoughtful throughout. Judging by the sparse crowd the big city drew, most people must have been more inclined to see intellectual voids like Olympus Has Fallen or a third viewing of Identity Thief this weekend. But that’s okay. To each his own I guess. Ignorance is bliss even.

TL;DR version. I imagine there is a group of you readers who know me and my tastes well enough to make your viewing choice about Admission merely on the following statement: I was fully entertained by Admission throughout.

The Wife: A movie with Tina Fey and Paul Rudd? Sure, why not. After Oz the Great and Powerful, Admission was the only other movie that I anticipated seeing this month. After last year’s The Hunger Games release, which made March 2012 a great movie month, March 2013 has been slim pickings! So imagine my dismay when our local theatre of choice was not showing Admission. It took an Oscar nomination for them to get Silver Linings Playbook, but I will give them that because in smaller cities a lot of the Oscar-caliber movies don’t usually hit theatres until much later after their release. However, I was pretty surprised to see that a movie with popular comedians wasn’t being released everywhere. After seeing the movie, however, I now see why it was not at our theatre since it was more of a “Dramady.” Movies like Admission sadly don’t always have a market in rural areas.

Admission hasn’t done great at the box office and that’s a real shame because it was a good movie. I blame that on the marketing. The trailers depicted Admission to be more in line with comedies, rather than what the movie actually was. Sometimes poor marketing can make or a break a movie (Hello, does anyone remember John Carter last year? Didn’t think so.). Was Admission funny? Yes, but it was more of an intelligent comedy that was actually quite thought provoking and did manage to take on a serious tone at times.

As Hobo Dan mentioned above, Admission revolves around an Ivy League admissions counselor at Princeton (Fey). Her seemingly simple, routine life gets shaken up when she finds out that her son, who she gave up for adoption years ago, could possibly be applying to Princeton. Admission also sheds light on the American higher education system, which I found interesting. It seems more and more society wants everything to be black and white and group individuals into boxes. As someone who has always refused to be identified by simply checking a box, I enjoyed this aspect of Admission. Life is not black and white and neither is our education system. Everyone is different and many people learn differently. This conversation is for a whole other blog topic though, so I will move on and conclude that I really enjoyed Admission. It was a thought provoking film. However, if you go in expecting non-stop laughs you probably will be disappointed. One more thing before I wrap this up: for all my fellow 30 Rock lovers, Admission shows us that in an alternate universe Liz Lemon and Wesley Snipes totally did settle for each other!

Review: Oz the Great and Powerful

The Wife: Movie Monday is back in full force with our review of Disney’s Oz the Great and Powerful, directed by Sam Raimi. The film, which stars James Franco, Mila Kunis, Michelle Williams and Rachel Weisz, is a prequel of sorts to the iconic classic, The Wizard of Oz. Along with being visually stunning, the story was actually very well done. I was excited for this movie and knew it would look beautiful, but I must admit that I was skeptical if the plot would actually be good. I ended up really enjoying ‘Oz’ and would probably pay theatre price to see it again!

Just like the well-known 1939 version of The Wizard of Oz, ‘Oz’ starts off in black and white film style in Kansas. Viewers are given a look at struggling, lady-manipulating magician Oz, portrayed by James Franco. He is working a traveling circus gig, which seems to be the norm for him. Of course, he is revealed to be a fraud, and after he is caught in one of his many womanizing schemes, he flees the circus via hot air balloon. Much like the original Wizard of Oz scenario, Oz is caught in a windstorm. After swirling and whirling about, the screen suddenly shifts from black and white to a beautiful, bright array of color as the hot air balloon lands. Oz is mesmerized by his new surroundings and soon meets a young woman, who reveals that she is a witch and calls herself “Theodora the good.” Theodora, played by Mila Kunis (who I totally have a girl crush on), explains to Oz that he is in well, a place called Oz. She also believes that his arrival means that the prophecy of a great and powerful wizard coming to Oz is true. Putting his womanizing charm to good use, Oz quickly romances Theodora. However, she takes his advances as declarations of love, much to Oz’s discomfort.

From here, the story unfolds as Oz encounters Theodora’s not-so-friendly sister, Evanora. Oz also meets an adorable flying monkey, Finley. After saving the creature’s life, Finley declares his full servitude to Oz. In addition, Oz finds another ally and adorable companion in China Girl. He later meets another witch, Glinda (Michelle Williams), whom Evanora and Theodora have deemed a “bad witch.” The story progresses as Oz learns the true nature of who is good and who is evil.

Overall, I really enjoyed ‘Oz.’ I found Franco to be the weakest actor, but he did a decent job. Not spectacular, but decent. Let’s face it, Freaks and Geeks was his best role ever and really, he just seems like he tries too hard when he isn’t in his typical stoner-type roles. Weisz did a great job playing the manipulative Evanora. Williams also delivered a solid performance as Glinda. Girl crush aside, I think Mila Kunis was fantastic in this movie. Theodora was also one of my favorite character progressions. While it kind of reminded me of Anakin’s transition to Darth Vader a la Star Wars, I still enjoyed seeing how sweet, naïve Theodora eventually became what we know as the “Wicked Witch of the West” from The Wizard of Oz. Seriously, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! Kunis did a great job portraying a hurt woman gone bad, and I thought she did a pretty good job of nailing the iconic cackle of the 1939 Wicked Witch of the West! My favorite character was the cute CGI flying monkey, Finley. I also absolutely loved the CGI China Girl. Not only were they adorable, but I think they really added to the story and were necessary characters.

As a huge fan of the 1939 version of The Wizard of Oz, I truly enjoyed the references to that film within ‘Oz,’ including the cowardly lion and scarecrow. Also, as I mentioned previously, Oz the Great and Powerful is a very visually appealing movie. Since it is so gorgeous, it makes me even happier that the actual plot of the movie is great. Sometimes a visually stunning movie lacks substance. This certainly is not the case for ‘Oz.’ In my opinion, this is a theatre must-see, especially if you are a fan of The Wizard of Oz.

Hobo Dan: Before I say anything else, let me make an observation. This film was in 3D. I grumbled as we paid three extra dollars. I grumbled as I took the glasses out of their plastic wrapper. I reminded the Wife to put on the 3D glasses, not her sun glasses. I grumbled as the trailers rolled by with minimal 3D effects to bear and the normal muted color palette I’ve come to despise. Then Oz, the Great and Powerful started and I saw some real 3D for once and in color! There were actual vibrant colors in a 3D movie! They weren't muted at all! I still would rather have seen it in traditional format, and I still believe 3D is a blight on the film industry as well as a Hollywood money making scheme, but they at least were able to make Oz not look like total ass in 3D, so I’ll pat Disney on the head for that one.

The technical achievement of this film should not be overlooked. At times I had trouble deciding if James Franco was a real person or not. Every CGI character was full of emotion and life. I loved them. Franco, the title character, could have died; no big deal. But if they’d even hinted at killing off that little China Girl, I would have walked out and started a Molotov cocktail riot in the street. So here is my quandary. Were the CGI characters so good they overshadowed the real actors, or were James Franco and company as bland as they seemed?

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed Oz the Great and Powerful much more than I thought I would. It was a satisfying film start to finish. There is nothing wrong with some good old entertainment. My problems are all in the real life actors. James Franco was hit or miss. When he was being “himself”, an aloof conman, I bought it. When he had to leave that comfort zone he’s built up over years of stoner films, I was less impressed. Then again, no one went to see Oz looking for Oscar winning acting. A little effort is all I’m asking for. For example, Tony Cox, who played Knuck, was basically a PG version of his character from Bad Santa. Don’t get me wrong, he was funny, but a back talking munchkin with an attitude seemed very out of place in the Land of Oz.

On the other hand you had CGI character after character that brought real life and entertainment to Oz. The voice actors in particular nailed their parts. The animations were clean and sharp and rival anything Pixar has done. That’s a very big complement when you consider Pixar films are 100 percent CGI and in Oz, these CGI characters where standing alongside real actors. In 1999, when Episode I came out, George Lucas touted a certain Gungan character for being totally CGI, yet able to stand toe to toe with real actors. It didn’t go over so well. Well today I believe Oz has shown it is possible with the right animations and voice actors for a totally animated character to completely out act their real life counterparts.

If you like The Wizard of Oz, you’re going to like this. It’s a solid film that entertains throughout with amazing effects and absolutely unforgettable CGI characters.

The Movies of March 2013

Another month, another bunch of bad movies to rip apart. Seriously is it May yet? I want my Star Trek! Anyways, March is slim pickings as usual.

Don't forget the process I follow to find these little gems of film making. I go to IMDB, find the list of films for a given month and watch the trailers for said films. Then start writing. If I leave anything off this list then it is absolutely not worth my time. Remember, I use my totally made up Hype Rating System (HRS) to discern how much I want to see or not see these movies. Level 1: I plan to see this movie in theaters and so should you! Level 2: I'll probably wait until post theatrical release to see this film (Netflix, Blu-Ray, osmosis). Level 3: I will never see this movie, not even for a cookie. Level 4: I don't want to see it, but the Wife is making me; nothing I can do about it, I signed a contract.

March 1:

Stoker - Level 2
Uncle Charlie looks like a f***ing werido! Also, why is this movie called Stoker? Don't get me wrong, I fully anticipated this to be another movie about vampires and was pleasantly surprised to find it's only about a mysterious quasi-incestuous uncle... that came out wrong.

21 and Over - Level 3
Scenario: kids go out to multiple parties to get drunk. Hollywood movie producers believe kids who like to go out to multiple parties and get drunk will want to see a movie about kids who go out to multiple parties and get drunk. Result: the producers make a lot of money because the sensibilities of people these days are disappointing.

The Last Exorcism Part II - Level 3
They really got my hopes up with The Last Exorcism. I mean, it was the last one right? You can't just call something "The Last..." if it's not the end right? You don't just tell someone "this is the last cookie", unless it's actually the last cookie! You may hear rumor from other readers here (The Wife) that I hate horror movies. I'll leave it up to you to determine the truth of that statement. I'll just be standing over here, in the crowded auditorium as the opening titles flash across the screen shouting "False Advertising!"

Jack the Giant Slayer - Level 2
Is this seriously a Jack and the Bean Stock movie or am I misinformed? Oh, well. I'm seriously on the rope about this one. On one hand it looks visually impressive. The giants look appropriately gigantic and filthy. While the standard fantasy set pieces are all in place and looking polished; I can't shake the feeling this will be 2013's John Carter (all beauty and no brains). Then again, I actually enjoyed John Carter for what it was.

Phantom - Level 2
Agent Mulder gets on a Submarine! Yay! I feel the tense submarine military drama is a little played out. I can only watch so many movies where 90% of the set location is in the confined space of a submarine. David Duchovny acting all Agent Mulder does get me going... But this only gets a level 2 because it claims to be based on real events; I am History nerd.

March 8:

Oz the Great and Powerful - Level 1
I have to see something this month! A month without movies is like that one time I ran without underware; all full of tension because one wrong move and things could get all... twisted. Anyways, when I first saw James Franco was in this movie, I was all, wut? Then I realized he is the perfect actor for a film where you escape the boredom of normal life by flying a hot air balloon into a tornado to travel to a colorful land full of witch's, munchkins, green cities and flying monkeys. Really all I want from Franco at this point, now that he has all the money in the world, is for him to put down the joint and get working on season two of Freaks and Geeks. That won't happen, because telling James to stop the pot is like telling me to stop the sarcasm. Oz will do I guess.

Dead Man Down - Level 3
I'm starting to get really bored with Colin Farrell. I mean you saw Fright Night right? He can smell your fear and now he's coming to get you! He suffers from the Clooney effect; he is the same person in every movie ever. The problem is he isn't nearly as likeable as George Clooney. This looks blah anyways. Also staring the chick from the original Dragon Tattoo movies and Prometheus, if that somehow would sway you.

March 15:

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone - Level 3
I often wonder why Steve Carell left The Office. One has to assume he meant to go on to bigger and better things. One would apparently be wrong, because Mr. Carell is now staring in this movie along side Jim Carry (another WTF happened actor). I just don't see how this will be funny. It has predictable written all over it. Also, is Alan Arkin in everything these days?

Upside Down - Level 2
Okay, you got me, I love bad science fiction. It makes me smile. But seriously, this is a bit much. What you're saying is these two planets are so close together in their orbits, that you can jump, yes jump, from one to the other and survive? No, bull crap. There is no way two celestial bodies of that similar of mass could orbit like that. I can suspend my disbelief for a lot of crap; artificial gravity, food replication, everything from the movie Armageddon, but this is just stupid and I won't have it. Well, I won't have it until Netflix, where I can mock in mercilessly from the comfort of my couch.

March 22:

Olympus Has Fallen - Level 2
I don't know what to say at this point. Action movie that blows up Washington D.C. as terrorists take the President hostage. Never seen that before. Even Morgan Freeman can't save this doomed action movie.

Admission - Level 1
Tina Fey and Paul Rudd star in a comedy about something? I'm in.

Spring Breakers - Level 3
You know what really grinds my gears? I'm watching the trailer for this film and everything is looking real normal. Some girls are desperate to on spring break, so they decide to get some fake guns and hold up a store or two. But they are nervous, so one says, to instill confidence in the others "Just pretend like it's a video game." Now I know the popular topic these days is how video games cause all this violence in the world. Video games are the problem, according to the news and to the government. I mean it is common knowledge that the Nazis were addicted to Donkey Kong. So it's only natural for Hollywood to go a head and toss video games under the bus as well by continuing the stereotype, because we all know Hollywood only makes good clean films about puppies and candy.

March 29:

G.I. Joe: Retaliation - Level 3
Oh man. You really want to hear what I have to say about this? Okay. You asked for it. I cannot begin to describe to you how dumb the first G.I. Joe movie was. I'm pretty sure it slipped me into a coma and stole my kidney when I watched it. Then I hear they are making a sequel. No, please have mercy on us! I hear they delayed this Retaliation almost a full year to make it 3D. Oh, I just dropped the bad word! 3D, you cantankerous, money sucking little whore; I knew it was only a matter of time before you raised your greasy head in 2013! I told you to get your stuff and go! So not only is G.I. Joe: Retaliation the sequel to an unforgivably bad "film", but they delayed its inevitable release to add 3D! No! No! Nooooooo! What would it take for me to see this movie? Nickolas Cage dressed as George Washington, wielding Excalibur in one hand and a diamond laden Super-Soaker full of moonshine in the other, riding an translucent velociraptor through the gates of Hell to slay a mighty hell-dragon. Call me when they add that to the movie and we'll talk.

The Host - Level 2
Just when you thought it was safe to go to the movies again, Stephanie Meyer writes another book and sells the rights to make it into a movie. Back to the shadows! Okay, fine I won't judge this based on my extreme dislike for Twilight. I'll just bash it because it really looks like just another teenage romance movie set in a science fiction/fantasy setting; love at first sight and all that other abusive relationship jazz. I give it Level 2 because I won't waste money at the theater for it, but I saw the first Twilight and I'll eventually see this because rule number one of any war is to know thine enemy.

The Place Beyond the Pines - Level 2
This looks pretty good. Bradley Cooper earned some dramatic credit with Silver Linings Playbook and he seems to be putting it to good use. Then we have Mr. Ryan Gosling. He is not so good. Just being honest, ever since I saw Drive, his acting makes me want to punch walls. That said, I am willing to give him one more chance, plus my crystal balls say this may end up in Best Picture Nominee territory come next February, which means The Wife will make me see it.

Tyler Perry's Temptation - Level 3
Anyone else really hope there is a twist at the end where Tyler Perry jumps out in drag? Me neither.

Starbuck - Level 2
This movie has nothing to do with Battlestar Galactica (old or new version) or coffee. What it does have to do with is a guy who donates to a sperm bank resulting in him fathering a ton of kids (533) who turn around and sue him. That sucks. Also, it's in French, but with English narration in the trailer, it's all very confusing.

Another month down. You have been warned...

Let’s Talk About The Oscars!

The Wife: The 85th Academy Awards will take place this evening. The Academy Awards, commonly referred to as “The Oscars,” serve as the most prestigious event of the film industry. Some may see award shows as a chance to just promote Hollywood snobbery, but I disagree. The Oscars are a time where art is celebrated. The event also showcases films that may not necessarily be “mainstream,” and with the Academy publicity more people can enjoy these great movies. If not for Academy buzz, I don’t think I would have even known that last year’s Best Picture winner, The Artist, existed, and The Artist has become one of my favorite movies! Click here to read our Best Picture Project review of The Artist.

As a movie buff, I absolutely love watching The Oscars. I enjoy seeing some of my favorite films of the year be recognized. It’s also nice to see the behind the scenes work that goes into the film industry be praised. The pageantry of the event is also captivating. I admit that my TV will be glued to E! most of the day to watch the live red carpet interviews and to see what everyone is wearing!

So, let’s get right down to it. I won’t share my entire Oscar ballot with you, but I can discuss the coveted award for this evening, Best Picture! Below, I will list all nominees, my take on each film, who I want to win and finally, which movie I think will capture the Academy Award! Be sure to check here later this week for a blog on the actual winners and the best/worst dressed of the evening!

The Nominees:

Amour: Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to view this film, pre-Oscars. So, sadly, I have no commentary to offer. It is on my list to watch at some point. Unless we are in for a surprise, I don’t think Amour will win Best Picture.

Argo: Talk about INTENSE! I felt completely un-relaxed while watching Argo, which is a film based on the rescue of six US hostages from Tehran, Iran during the 1979 Iran Hostage Crisis. Directed by the oh so hot and talented, Ben Affleck, who also played the lead character, CIA operative Tony Mendez, Argo really delivered in terms of entertainment and intensity. From my understanding, Argo did take many liberties of the actual events of the rescue, such as the dramatic airport scene, but hey, it’s a movie. I don’t go to the movies for a full on history lesson. For a film that I knew the outcome of, I still found myself nervous and completely on the edge of my seat while watching Argo. I was uneasy and very much invested in the story. It’s hard to make a movie suspenseful when we already know the outcome. Affleck may not be the best actor I’ve ever seen, but he is a great director, and Argo proved that. I can’t believe the Academy snubbed him by not giving him a nomination in the Best Director category. In conclusion, Argo was a well-done movie. Like I said, it was intense. I feel like I actually sweat during the movie since it was so nerve-racking at points! For a movie to get me that emotionally involved is the mark of a good film. Personally, Argo was not my favorite of this year’s Best Picture nominees, but I think in comparison with the way previous award shows have gone and due to buzz, Argo will be this year’s Best Picture Winner! It will be a deserved victory as well. Side note: If Argo wins tonight I believe this will be the first time a film has won Best Picture without a Best Director nomination since Driving Miss Daisy!

Beasts of the Southern Wild: Another movie that is on my list that I have not yet scene. This is currently waiting in my Netflix mail-in queue. I just have to hurry up and mail in a movie I’ve held on to for far too long. Oops. Unless we are in for an upset, I do not think this film will win Best Picture.

Django Unchained: Do you ever go to movie not expecting much but then finding yourself completely blown away by how good it was? Well, that describes my Django Unchained experience! I am a fan of some of Tarantino’s work, especially Pulp Fiction. I was expecting to be semi-entertained by Django, and honestly I found myself questioning why this movie was even nominated for Best Picture. However, I ended up absolutely loving Django Unchained. It was a great story, very entertaining, well acted, and the musical score was incredible! It did have that Tarantino touch to it, and if you aren’t familiar with Tarantino’s work you really should check out some of his older movies like Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill. Django Unchained was quite funny as well. I didn’t expect to laugh that much before seeing the movie. Throughout the funny and bizarre moments, the movie does have an underlining serious tone that is harshly evident in many scenes. Just because it had some funny lines and the “Tarantino touch,” doesn’t mean that the viewer wasn’t left reeling from the horribleness that was the slave trade. Overall, I think Django Unchained really deserved its nomination. Christoph Waltz was fantastic in Django Unchained and deserved his Supporting Actor nomination as well. While I think Tommy Lee Jones could take that one for his work in Lincoln, I would cheer if Waltz ended up winning. I don’t think Django Unchained will win Best Picture, but it’s easily one of my favorites from this year’s nominees!

Les Miserables: As I type this blog post, I am currently listening to Anne Hathaway’s amazing rendition of the iconic song, “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables! As a lover of musical theatre, I was blown away by Les Miserables. I was familiar with both the story and songs before seeing Les Mis, but had never had a chance to see the live stage performance. Musicals can be hard to bring to the big screen, but Les Miserables delivered. It was powerful, beautifully acted and I really FELT for the characters. The singing was not perfect. I’ve heard far better musical scores from Les Mis, but the imperfections made the film all the more powerful. Through the slight imperfections, you really could feel the characters’ emotions in each scene. The story, which really touches on the human condition, really moved me. Redemption, love, sadness, happiness, peace…I got all of that from Les Miserables. All of the actors did a fantastic job. I was skeptical at first when I saw that Anne Hathaway was portraying Fantine, but she BLEW ME AWAY. She was incredible and I have to say if she doesn’t win her Supporting Actress award tonight, I will be a bit peeved. Hugh Jackman was amazing as well. Unfortunately he picked a bad year to give the performance of his life because I just don’t see him beating out Daniel Day Lewis (Lincoln) for Best Actor. Personally, Les Miserables is my pick for movie of the year. I would vote it as my Best Picture, but like I’ve said for other films, it will take an upset for this one to win. I do look for it to pick up other awards tonight though!

Life of Pi: Sadly this was on my list of movies to see this fall, but the holidays are so busy that I didn’t make it to the theatre for Life of Pi. I’ve heard it was a great movie from many people. As soon as it comes out on Blu-Ray, I intend to watch it. I did unfortunately get the ending spoiled for me thanks to someone on Facebook. Oops. However, I am still intrigued. As I’ve said several times, it’s going to take an upset to beat Argo, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Life of Pi does from all the positive reviews surrounding this movie

Lincoln: If you know me, you know I am huge history buff. Heck I even have a history degree to coincide with my communications and English degrees. (Ok, so I am a nerd and enjoyed school…don’t judge!) So naturally, I was super excited to see Lincoln. I have been fascinated by Lincoln’s presidency since I did my award winning social studies fair project on The Gettysburg Address in fourth grade. Like Argo, Lincoln does take liberties with the historical content. And like Argo, Lincoln is still a MOVIE, so if you want a pure history lesson read a book. Spielberg once again delivered with Lincoln. For a movie about the voting of an amendment, which many people would see as “boring,” Lincoln was really anything but. At times, I did find the movie to be a bit slow-paced, but that didn’t deter my enjoyment. Daniel Day Lewis was incredible as Lincoln. He looked the part and while I’ve obviously never seen honest Abe in real life, Lewis made me felt like he WAS Lincoln. His performance of Lincoln almost looked too easy, which is the mark of a good actor. However, it was Tommy Lee Jones that stole the show for me in this movie! Jones was fantastic and I’d be happy if he won Best Supporting Actor. With Lincoln, I think Lewis will pick up his third award for Best Actor. I also believe that if Argo doesn’t win that Lincoln has the best chance to pull the upset and win Best Picture.

Silver Linings Playbook: After several failed attempts to see this movie, I finally got to see Silver Linings Playbook last month and loved it! It was funny, emotional and just an overall great movie experience. Hollywood usually never “gets it right” when they touch on the issue of mental illness, but Silver Linings Playbook really captured the essence and rawness of the disease. Most people think someone mentally ill is just “crazy” thanks to past Hollywood stereotypes, but Silver Linings Playbook proved this incorrect. Bradley Cooper, who I’ve really only seen in comedies like The Hangover, was great. Unfortunately like Hugh Jackman, he picked the wrong year to have the performance of his life since I don’t see him winning Best Actor over Lewis. Jennifer Lawrence, on the other hand, looks to be the favorite to win Best Actress, and it will be a well-deserved victory if she captures the award! Lawrence was absolutely fantastic in Silver Linings Playbook. She was so good and so natural in her character that she almost stole the show for me. I love Lawrence as Katniss in The Hunger Games, but I am thrilled she took on the Silver Linings Playbook role to really showcase her acting chops and prove that she’s just not a bland, “teeny bopper” actress. In conclusion, Silver Linings Playbook is one of my favorite films from this list. I’d love it to win the big Best Picture award. While it most likely won’t, it should pick up other prizes tonight!

Zero Dark Thirty: Like Argo, Zero Dark Thirty was very intense. It didn’t have me on edge like Argo, but that’s because the pacing of Zero Dark Thirty was very different. It was slower paced, but the film’s conclusion really delivered and hit me emotionally. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you should know that Zero Dark Thirty is a story of the post-911 search and capture of Osama Bin Laden. I was a junior in high school when the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks took place, so watching Zero Dark Thirty made me realize how much I had grown up and changed during the long time period that it took us to capture Bin Laden. I had never really thought of it like that before. It was almost as if I was reliving the past ten years. Watching the torture scenes in Zero Dark Thirty was very very VERY hard for me. I personally don’t agree with torture, so it was upsetting to watch. However, the torture scenes were necessary for the rawness and realness that Zero Dark Thirty delivered. Like with both Argo and Lincoln, of course this movie wasn’t totally historically accurate, but it was still a good movie. Jessica Chastain did a phenomenal job and her last scene (after they got Bin Laden) was extremely powerful for me. It was exactly how I felt when I saw that he was dead. It wasn’t celebratory. It was a sad, emotional moment. It reminded me of everything that was lost (deaths, etc.) to catch this one man. Chastain nailed that scene and I could see her challenging Jennifer Lawrence for the Best Actress award. While I give the edge to Argo in terms of my personal preference, Zero Dark Thirty hit me more emotionally. I believe that’s because the events it was based on effected me more since it took place during my lifetime. If not for the torture scenes (which seems like many Hollywood insiders aren’t pleased with), I could see Zero Dark Thirty being the dark horse to win Best Picture. It still has a chance to pull an upset, but I think Argo has it beat.

So there you have it, this year’s Oscar nominees! Be sure to check the blog this week for a post-Oscars report on the winners, fashion and any surprises the event might deliver! Hobo Dan and I also will have a full review on this year’s Best Picture Winner as soon as possible!

Best Picture Project 13, The Artist

Best Picture Project is back with the most recent winner:

The Artist, 2011

Hobo Dan: I watched The Artist after it won best picture. I had a lot of perceived notions about why it won and what made it appeal to the Oscar selection committee. They were mostly right, a silent film set in Hollywood. The film industry loves to romance about itself in film by making movies about movies. But as the film went on, I began to see something else.

I began to realize that without saying a single word, I felt true emotion for the characters. I laughed at the delivery of comedic lines I could not hear. I felt genuine sympathy for the plight of the central character. And that dog! Where was his supporting actor nod? Because they did not use title cards for most of the speech in the film, I found myself actively trying to read lips to get as must as possible. I was forced to watch the actors closely. Which lead me to realize that Jean Dujardin, the lead actor, deserves every bit of that Best Actor Oscar. He earned it.

I have honestly never watched a silent film before The Artist. I was not sure I’d be able to handle the quiet. It was refreshing. You had to pay real attention to the actor’s faces and movements. It was wonderfully done. I initially thought this was the artsy choice that Academy made because they like to snooty, but I must agree, out of all the nominees for 2011, The Artist is the best one. It may not be my favorite film from 2011, but it is the best.

The Wife: Thanks to the beauty that is Netflix, I was FINALLY able to watch last year’s Best Picture winner, The Artist. As soon as I caught wind of this movie (before it won so many Oscars), I was intrigued and wanted to see it. When I saw last year’s Best Picture nominees, without having seen The Artist, I called it as the winner. My reasoning was that well, let’s face it, the film premise appeals to the Academy. A silent picture made in 2011? Check! Not to mention it is a movie about making movies and Hollywood loves to pat itself on the back. These factors combined with the fact that it was so different from the other nominees, like The Help, Moneyball and The Descendants, to name a few, really made The Artist stand out as the clear winner.

While I did want to see The Artist, I admit I was a tad skeptical of it. I wasn’t sure if I’d really like it and consider it my Best Picture winner. Fortunately for me, I ended up absolutely loving The Artist. I enjoyed it so much that it has definitely made my list of all-time favorite movies. Prior to watching The Artist, I was concerned if I would really be able to focus and grasp the story of a silent picture. When actually the silent aspect of the film ended up enabling me to understand and be captured by the story even more so than a standard modern movie with dialogue. I really felt the emotions the actors projected. I found myself laughing hysterically at times as well as nearly tearing up during certain scenes. I both sympathized and rooted for the protagonist, played by Jean Dujardin. Dujardin’s best actor win for The Artist was certainly well deserved! Seriously though why did no one think to give the dog a supporting actor nod? The dog was pretty much my favorite character!

Not only did I enjoy the story of The Artist, but I loved the way it was executed on screen. It was a beautiful movie with fantastic acting that really made you feel with each scene. The Artist has inspired me to check out some older silent pictures. So now to answer the question: is The Artist worth its Best Picture win and the hype? Absolutely! I encourage everyone to watch this movie. Don’t be afraid of the quiet, embrace it!

Review: Identity Thief

The Wife: After seeing several “serious” movies recently, sometimes a little stupidity and humor is necessary. Also, since there isn’t much to do on a Friday night in our town, the movie, Identity Thief, seemed like an appropriate choice. Not to mention, I typically enjoy Jason Bateman’s movies. I will first off say that this was everything I thought it would be: decently funny with a semi-entertaining, yet completely unrealistic plot. However, my movie experience as a whole was quite unpleasant due to a few select movie patrons.

BEGIN RANT/When I pay to see a movie at the theatre, I expect to enjoy the “big screen” experience as I watch said film, whether it be a musical, thriller, comedy or whatever. I find it incredibly RUDE when people talk loudly during a movie. During Identity Thief, we had the unfortunate pleasure of being stuck directly behind a person who not only talked, but literally shouted throughout the entire movie. It was very distracting to say the least. Lately, the main “talkers” we’ve encountered at the theatre have typically been adults too. If rowdy teens know how to keep quiet during a movie, adults should certainly be capable of this as well. I just don’t get how people can be SO RUDE. It seems that several movies we’ve seen as of late have had several “talking offenders.” I am a talker. I will talk to anyone, but I know how to zip it and respect others when I go to the movie theatre!/END RANT

Regardless of the LOUD person, I tried to pay attention as best I could, even though at times I literally had to STRAIN my ears to hear what the characters were saying. Fortunately, Identity Thief isn’t a deep film, so that helped. The movie stars Bateman as Sandy and Melissa McCarthy, who I will always remember as Sookie from Gilmore Girls although she is best known for Bridesmaids, as Diana. Sandy is seen as a mild mannered family man and financially conservative type. Flash to Diana, who is wild, upbeat, and makes her living by scheming and stealing identities. Of course, she ends up stealing Sandy’s identity, which leads us to the plot of the movie (obviously). While the entire premise of how McCarthy’s character stole identities and how law enforcement dealt with the issue is highly unrealistic and inaccurate, it did make for some humorous hijinks. With his identity stolen and his new job on the line, Sandy decides that the only way to rectify the situation is to travel across the country, catch the person who stole his identity and bring them to the authorities. He easily catches Diana, which leads to a crazy road trip with the characters. In predictable fashion, Sandy and Diana seemingly bond during the road trip, however this of course comes with clashing personalities, oh and the fact that SHE IS A CRIMINAL. Haha! Of course, in true Hollywood fashion, the movie makes you end up feeling sorry for Diana’s character. I won’t spoil the ending for you, and while it was predictable, I enjoyed how they wrapped up the story.

Taking the unrealistic aspect out of it, Identity Thief did deliver in the laugh factor. It was funnier than the previews made it out to be, which was a nice surprise. While I did like the movie and find it humorous, it really isn’t a memorable type of comedy, like The Hangover. Unless you are super bored and don’t have incessant talkers at your movie theatre, I’d save this one for Netflix.

Hobo Dan: What can I say about Identity Thief? Stupid title. Identity Theft. There, fixed that for you over paid Hollywood writers. I was entertained by this film in the most rudimentary way possible. Meaning; when a man is kicked in the balls, I laugh. The enormous distraction sitting directly in front of me gyrating to the hip hop music; chortling at the simplistic slap stick humor; loudly protesting at the use of the ‘F’ word in a rated ‘R’ movie; taking up three seats when the rest of us were crammed in like the poorest upper-class passengers on the last life boat off the Titanic; didn’t, to put it mildly, help my enjoyment of this run of the mill comedy will a lower case ‘c’.

There is predictable, like The Hangover 2, then there is a mile of crap, followed by another mile of eighty’s comedies that are just funny enough that we remember laughing at them even though we haven’t actually watched them in years, then you’ll find Identity Thief. It was rude and crude, and I like rude and crude, but it was presented in a way that just made it pathetic, like the fat guy who orders two Big Macs and a Diet Coke or Lance Armstrong. It seems like the writers wanted it to be some edgy modern reflection of our world were black and white morals are slowly greying together, but then, just after first draft was finished, the producer fired those writers and replaced them with his twelve year old ginger son who is obsessed with fart jokes. And there wasn't even a single fart joke! Fail movie, fail.

The Movies of February 2013

So here I am trying to get back into the swing of blogging because it makes me happy on a strange, deadline ridden level. I was doing four movie preview posts a year (and was failing horribly); so why not up that to one a month? Seems like a fine plan. Actually it's because of a certain a red headed reader that complains because I sometimes leave out movies he wanted to hear me bitch about for some reason. So here we are. A movie preview post all about the month of February. The process I follow is to go to the IMDB, find the list of films for a given month and watch the trailers for said films. Then start writing. If I leave anything off this list then it is absolutely not worth my time.

Remember, I use my totally made up Hype Rating System (HRS) to discern how much I want to see or not see these movies. Level 1: I plan to see this movie in theaters and so should you! Level 2: I'll probably wait until post theatrical release to see this film (Netflix, Blu-Ray, osmosis). Level 3: I will never see this movie, not even if you asked me really nice like. Level 4: I don't want to see it, but the Wife is making me; nothing I can do about it, I signed a contract.

February 1:

Warm Bodies - Level 4
Okay, so we found the cure for being a zombie. Love. Apparently all it takes is one mildly attractive blond chick with a shot gun to kick start your zombie heart back into being a human and bang, cured. While the story is way stupid and the zombie fad is so 2011, I'd probably sit down and watch this when/if it hits Netflix because it looks funny and John Malkovich is awesome. Note: after writing this, the Wife watched the trailer and informed me we will be seeing this in theaters (Da Fuk?) making this a Level 4, somehow.

Bullet to the Head - Level 3
In light of recent events, I will be censoring my hype for this movie by creating a mad lib of the following paragraph for the Wife to fill out: I wish Sylvester Stallone would put a frog through his own shiny head and stop making these pretty pieces of cute movies that all kick giant donkey dogs. No one wants to see his old cat shooting at trees anymore. You're old! Go act as some sort of crappy person would. Complain about the pink weather! Just stop making these purple movies to prove how big your chair is! Sweet car of New York City!

The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia - Level 3
The description reads: "A young family moves into an historic home in Georgia..." and I stopped right there. The name of this movie is The Haunting in Connecticut 2. But it is in Georgia? I don't... understand. Did the Connecticut ghost take a road trip? And where the hell is that movie? The Haunting in Connecticut 3: Road Trip starring Tom Green and a snake!

Stand Up Guys - Level 2
You can't go too wrong with Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. Throw in Alan Arkin and you have a pretty decent looking old mob guy buddy comedy. At least it seems like a comedy/drama, but trailers are so misleading these days. Is this funny, is it serious? Is it both, but which one is it more? I'll find out via Netflix.

Sound City - Level 2
Documentaries are awesome! Sadly, living in the middle of nowhere means you can't even get Les Mis at your theater on opening day. So this will never get within miles of me. That said, I don't have too much time to watch documentaries in a theater anyways, but a cold winters night with and a documentary about music directed by Dave Grohl on my couch, yes please.

February 8:

Identity Thief - Level 4
I am already tired of this trailer, and that woman (Melissa McCarthy). I have not even seen her in a movie and yet I know she will annoy the utter living crap out of me. This seems like a buddy, road trip movie with a twist. The twist being one of the buddies has stolen the identity of the other and they are not buddies at all. I somehow feel they will end up being great friends in the end. That must be my predictable Hollywood shovel-ware movie sense tingling. Sadly, February is sparse with movies the wife and I want to see, bumping this to Level 4 for me.

Side Effects - Level 3
Wife sees Channing Tatum and Jude Law flash across the movie screen and she sits up; attention obtained trailer. Then it starts talking about  the side effects of medicine and the hypochondriac in her comes out. For once it pays off, scratch one less time I have to suffer through a Channing Tatum movie in my lifetime. But holy crap is that Rooney Mara? She looks different not all, dragon tattooed...

February 15:

A Good Day to Die Hard - Level 4?
Stupid, dumb, mindless action. Old dude still trying to prove he is a bad ass. A good day to die hard indeed. This comes out so close to Valentines day that I am preparing to deem it an official Valentines day movie just like the original Die Hard is without a doubt a Christmas movie. I wouldn't normally see this in theaters because I like actual substance and story in movies, but when Valentines day rolls around and your wife says "Lets see Die Hard!" instead of "Lets see random smoochy, kissy movie!" you hand her the Wife of the Year award and go see f***ing Die Hard!

Beautiful Creatures - Level 3
According to the trailer this comes out on the 13th, because that makes it cooler or something. What would probably make this Witch's coming of age story better is if they threw out the script, fired the writer and burned the original book source material and started over with a tale about two very beautiful squires trapped in a dangerous tree full of poison nuts and crazy owls. I bolded the Level 3 grade for this movie up top to help get my point across. Do not see: angst filled teen drama ahead!

Safe Haven - Level 3
Robin? Wait for it... Gosh girl first the Avengers and now this? Is scotch and Barney not enough anymore? Must you go wondering around doing movie roll after movie roll? And Mr. Nicholas Sparks. Good Sir! I say, how many damned books have you written? Surly you now have enough money to unburden us mortal men who must suffer through your horribly predictable film adaptations. I mean, these trailers... Girl and boy meet, hate one another at first, then fall in love, then conflict, ???? and profit. So easy a cloned, genetically altered Neanderthal could do it... Ha, topical scientific jokes.

Escape from Planet Earth - Level 2
This looks like a fun animated movie. Really it does. If I had kids I'd definitely take them to see this. A good subliminal lesson in governmental paranoia never hurt a kid either.

A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III - Level ?
Had no idea what this was. Watched trailer. Still have no idea what this is. Judge for yourself:


(Also, IMDB has about three release dates for this so, I don't know when it's coming out)

February 22:

Snitch- Level 3
Apparently this movie is NOT about a has been, alcoholic Seeker who has to fight adversity and sober up to get one last shot at winning the Quidditch World Cup and his girl back. I am disappoint. I have to be honest, until Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson wins an Oscar award for Best Actor/Supporting Actor, I will laugh and think to myself "Do you smell it?" every single time I see him pop up in a movie trailer. Always and forever.

Dark Skies - Level 3
So there are aliens, and the guy from the State Farm Insurance commercials knows all about them, and says you're screwed. They are going to get you, and probe you and make you listen to Beiber. Seems like a pretty straight forward alien abduction movie. I bet they are saved at the last moment by some inexplicable plot twist.

So there, the movies of February. You have been warned.

JJ Abrams to Direct Star Wars VII

This has not been confirmed, but with how many news outlets are reporting it, and no denial by JJ or Disney (that was weird to type) I think it's safe to say we can now prepare ourselves for frantic, shaky cam runs through the halls of the Millennium Falcon and lens flaring light saber battles.

I kid (mostly). As some of you long time readers know, I started this blog with a review of the 2009 Star Trek reboot directed by JJ Abrams. I gave it some harsh criticisms for the ramifications it made to the Trek universe. I have softened my views slightly in the years following, preferring to view it as a chance for Star Trek to continue on in some way (even if it's not exactly what Gene Roddenberry had in mind). Now as the sequel (Into Darkness) prepares for a May release, JJ Abrams seems to be taking the leap from the final frontier to a galaxy far, far away...

I actually believe he is a good choice. First, JJ is a self-proclaimed Star Wars fan. If nothing else, we need someone who truly respects the franchise to be in charge of its future (George Lucas sure didn't). I also feel JJ has a good chance to recapture the visual feel of the original trilogy that the prequels failed miserably at doing. JJ Abrams likes to use sets and only insert effects where needed. The prequels were so filled with Green Screen, I'm starting to wonder if Hayden Christensen is a real person at all.

The script for Star Wars VII is being written by Michael Arndt, who won an Academy Award for his screen play of Little Miss Sunshine (a fantastic movie). This seems like a pretty big genera shift, but the Academy doesn't just hand out awards to bad writers. So the real question now, a question which in my own humble opinion is much greater than who is writing and directing the film: what characters are in this film? It is very reasonable to think that all the primary actors could be brought in to play older versions of themselves. Disney, if anything, has plenty of money to throw at reluctant, bitter actors, unwilling to reprise a roll. I mean damn Harrison Ford; you played in Cowboys and Aliens! Or do they cast the film further into the future, possibly using Han and Leia's children as the primary actors with smaller parts for the original actors? They could recast the original actors, but I see this as a last resort.

I viewed Disney buying Star Wars as a fresh start for the franchise. It makes money, and like anything that makes money, people will continue to milk its teat for more money. So if we must have new Star Wars films forced upon us, they may as well be as good as possible. I think JJ Abrams will ensure a quality product that is a fun, action packed ride that will leave us wanting more.

Or, Star Wars VII starts off right at the end of Return of the Jedi. Just after Luke burns the body of his father and smiles at some ghosts. Suddenly a black hold rips through the sky, pulling the entirety of Endor through it! Endor, along with all principal cast, arrives in the past just in time royally screw up some important plot point, altering the timeline of this past in unknown ways...

Review: Wreck-it Ralph

The Wife: Disney has once again produced another fantastic movie with Wreck-it Ralph. Seriously when did it become “cool” to hate on Disney? Why are the Star Wars super nerds worried? Disney seldom produces crap. Disney rarely disappoints (especially when it is a Disney-Pixar film), and Wreck-it Ralph is a prime example of Disney awesomeness.

Wreck-it Ralph was just flat out fun. After a week of election stress and sporting events gone terribly wrong, sometimes you just need to escape with a fun, light-hearted movie. Wreck-it Ralph is one of those special films that both children AND adults can enjoy.

For the video game enthusiast, Wreckit Ralph brought lots of nostalgia with recognizable video game characters, such as the infamous ghost from Pac-Man. However, even if you don’t know video games, Wreck it Ralph still provided plenty of entertainment. The plot centers around Ralph, the “villain” of Fix-it Felix Jr, an old school arcade game. After spending 30 years of being the “bad guy” and always feeling left out, Ralph seeks out new adventures and looks to earn a medal of his own by being the hero for once. He travels through other games and eventually lands in Sugar Rush, where he meets fellow misfit, Vanellope, also known as the game’s “glitch.” Sugar Rush, a game which looks quite similar to Mario Kart, has banned Vanellope from racing due to her being a glitch. Determined to race again, Vanellope and Ralph eventually join forces to change their destinies. Meanwhile, Felix, of Ralph’s game, travels through the other games to track Ralph down and bring him back. Of course, it isn’t all fun and games (haha oh puns) as the evil Candy King and a mysterious alien egg look to shake up the arcade world.

Overall Wreck-it Ralph was a fantastic movie. It was funny, but also had a somewhat serious side as it dealt with issues that all kids (and even some adults face), like acceptance and finding one’s place in the world. As someone who typically ALWAYS figures out plot twists, Wreck-it Ralph succeeded in completely throwing me off from one major event. Bravo, Disney! After the twist was revealed I had a “duh!” moment, but I loved that I was caught off guard.

I would highly recommend seeing Wreck-it Ralph. Young and old alike, this film has something for everyone to enjoy!

Hobo Dan: I just pee’d a little. In my pants.

Wreck-it Ralph is that great. I feel like I need to see it again to try and pick out all the small video game references I missed the first time. But fear not my minions who may be less than fluent in all things video games, you do not need this extra knowledge to enjoy this wonderful film. From start to finish, this film is top shelf entertainment. The voice talent is great, the animation are perfect. What’s even more amazing is how they nailed the old school 8 and 16 bit Arcade animations and music. I felt like I was watching someone play the NES! The story was funny and impactful for adults and children. The Wife covered pretty much all I have to say. Go see this movie, you won’t be sorry.

Now where is my NES?

Disney buys Star Wars

I was suppose to make a short post today explaining were we have been. I wanted to inform you we will be posting about our October vacation soon and reviewing Wreck-it-Ralph for next Monday. Then, Disney bought Lucusfilm and annouced Star Wars Episode 7 for a 2015 release...

And the Internet exploded...

I have experienced the 5 stages of grief since I heard this news yesterday. First, right after the Wife told me, I denied it. No, this was just the most epic Internet Trololol ever. But too many reputable sites ran the story with pictures and numbers and... So then, Daniel got angry! How can this be? It's one thing that you buy Marvel! But now Star Wars! I got down on my knees and begged, bargained and pleaded with the force, "I will do anything!" Disney, you can buy Marvel, but you can never take my Star Wars! The force remained quiet, so I sank into sarrow.

Acceptance. I sat on the couch this morning before work and watched some TV. I saw a commercial for Wreck-it-Ralph. A Disney movie I will be seeing this Friday. I am excited to see this film. It looks really good. You know what else is good? Every Pixar movie. Who owns Pixar? Disney. I also liked the new Tron movie they made and of course I like the Pirates movies. So what am I afraid of?

Honestly, I don't know. George Lucas has already whored Star Wars out in every possible way. There is Star Wars everything (including Angry Birds). Let's not even mention Episode I. This has devalued the franchise to me. Everyone should just calm down, it's only Star Wars. What was once sacred and cherished is more of a joke now. Merchandised and marketed and focused on making money. We cannot go back to 1977, so everyone just needs to stop crying.

The bright side is that Disney has the money and the power to do what ever they want with Star Wars and do it right! They could give the reins to someone new and they could make something awesome. Have the Marvel movies been bad since Disney took over? Some would argue The Avengers is the best comic movie ever made (not me). Disney helped in that. No, I don't believe we need a new trilogy, but we are getting one. So why not make it as good as possible? What if Disney gave Star Wars to Joss Whedon? Would not the fan boys and girls cry out in joy? What if Disney decided to build an entire theme park in Orlando for Star Wars? Who shall step forth and oppose this? A tired old franchise has been pulled away from the grips of a tired old emperor and just maybe has been given new life.

I think it is far too early to panic. I think it is far to early to rage. What if this is the best thing to happen to Star Wars since "I am your father."?

Review: Finding Nemo 3D

The Wife: After a hiatus that came from being busy and a lack of good films out, we are finally back with an edition of Movie Monday! We know all you Dump readers are thrilled. With quite a few movies that came out in recent weeks, we actually chose to see a movie we’ve already seen! Yes, that’s right we totally saw Finding Nemo 3D like the awesome grownups we are!

We chose to see Finding Nemo 3D for a variety of reasons. First off, we wanted something light and fun since we were both exhausted from the 5K we did earlier that morning. The main reason, however, is that I absolutely LOVE Finding Nemo and wasn’t about to turn down a chance to see it on the big screen! Also, this actually was my first time seeing Nemo at the theatre. Not to mention, it had actually been quite awhile since I saw Nemo in full. Finding Nemo was just as cute as I remembered. I laughed like a kid at all the jokes and even picked up on some funny moments I hadn’t really noticed during previous viewings. For a movie that already looked speculator during its first release, I truthfully didn’t notice too much of a difference with the 3D. The picture did look sharper and crisper, which was great. I picked up on a few actual 3D moments, but if you are looking to be wowed simply by the 3D, then you may be disappointed. However, even without 3D, I would have seen Finding Nemo anyway!

For the actual plot of the movie, there isn’t much to say since it’s already been out for several years. When I first saw they were bringing Nemo back to the theatre I was happy but thought “hmm that movie isn’t even that old.” Then reality hit and it dawned on me that it was nearly 10 years old. Wow. Between this and Full House turning 25 over the weekend, things keep popping up to remind me how old I am getting! Then again, age is only a number and this is why I feel no shame in seeing a movie like Finding Nemo 3D at the theatre! Overall, I really enjoyed seeing Finding Nemo 3D. It was a fun evening out with HoboDan. Nemo has always been one of my favorite Disney-Pixar movies and the only thing I missed was not hearing the music that you get with the live Nemo show at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom! My fellow Disney fanatics will know what I mean. “In that big blueeee worllddd!”

As with most Disney-Pixar films, we got a “short” before Nemo started. I consider the Toy Story trilogy to be far and above the BEST of all the Disney-Pixar movies, so naturally I was pumped for a Toy Story short! I really think the trilogy ended perfectly and don’t think more movies should be made, but I LOVE the Toy Story shorts and hope they keep making more! The short was very cute and easily my favorite part of our Finding Nemo 3D movie night experience. I really hope Disney continues to bring back old favorites. I will probably be first in line to get tickets if they re-release Aladdin or The Little Mermaid! Now, before I say goodbye please don’t laugh too much at my expense when you read HoboDan’s most-likely, typical hilarious Movie Monday review!

Hobo Dan: I sit back in my comfy theater chair, crack into my Sour Patch kids and prepare for another movie. Going to movies really is the best. I slip my 3D glasses out of their plastic wrap and whimper slightly, “this really craps on the fun though…” I know, they re-released Finding Nemo specifically for 3D, but I still hate 3D. I would have gladly seen Nemo again in standard! But I move on, the 3D effects in Finding Nemo were nonexistent anyways. A few more Sour Patches down the hatch and the trailers begin. A calm voice tells me to put on my 3D glasses (and then give in to the Matrix). I slip then on. The Wife grumbles about something, I didn’t hear the complaint over my glee at the Wreck-it-Ralph trailer and my own chewing.

“God this is blurry!” The Wife says. I heard her this time; as did everyone in the room. She removed her 3D glasses (which she has to wear over her regular glasses) and begins cleaning them off. I eat some popcorn even though the movie itself hasn’t started; (a cardinal sin to The Wife) she doesn’t notice. The Wife puts her 3D glasses back on and grumbles again “This is still blurry!” She removes both the 3D glasses and her regular spectacles and cleans both of them thoroughly. By this time the special Toy Story short film is beginning. She quickly put both sets of glasses back on and watches the short (by the way, I really love how companies are doing short cartoon like stories before movies again!) The short finishes and the Wife turns to me and frowns. I look at her, sour patches still stuck in my teeth…

“What’s the problem?” I start using my tongue to remove remnants of small sour children.

“Is this blurry to you?” She says in her ‘this is the end of the world if not fixed right now’ tone. I slowly look at the screen and then back to her.

“No.”

“Ugh! Trade me!” The Wife removes her 3D glasses and hands them to me. I get them a foot from my face when I realize the problem and hand them back to her.

“These are your sunglasses.”