Thursday, March 17, 2011

St. Patrick’s Day

I hope everyone has a very merry get drunk off your ass day. Not like us working folk needed another reason to try and drink away the sorrow caused by our meaningless small existences. I was going to do some research on the holiday to flex my history degree muscles, but I got really bored reading about the Catholic Church. The period of time after the Vatican stopped crusading against the Muslims in Jerusalem but before it started crusading against the Boy Scouts of America is a real snore fest. So I had a green beer or fifty and passed out. I dreamed I was in a small black community in Alabama and everyone was real excited because they saw a leprechaun in a tree. I thought it was a crack head. It must have been caused by the dye they used in the beer.

When I woke up I realized I hadn’t written a damned thing about this poor excuse for a holiday. At least we don’t have a holiday for every catholic saint; they seriously have one for everything. What would you do if there were a St. Thomas More day, the patron saint of Lawyers? I personally would like to have a St. Ambrose day, the patron saint on Beekeepers. We could all lather ourselves up with honey and run wild into a field of beehives. That would be fun right?

I hate it when people try to pinch me because I’m not wearing green. Try it again and I’ll pinch you… between my car and a tree. How did that get started anyways? Were they going around pinching people in Ireland to check for alcohol poisoning? If they responded they weren’t dead yet? I don’t know, but it sounds to me like some creeper made it up to get a free pass at touching people. And what’s with Leprechauns in the first place; scary little dudes that ride around on rainbows and hide gold for people to try and find. What happens when someone finds the gold, do they get jumped by the Leprechauns and beat up? What kind of weapon would a Leprechaun use; maybe a little tiny butterfly knife. I think a gang of them could probably mess you up pretty bad. A good shank to the kidneys from a knife wielding midget would teach you to stay away from their Lucky Charms.

If I learned anything from the years I refused to partake in the tradition, it’s that people drinking are always looking to get more people drinking. They want to pass it on, kind of like VD without most of the shame. So what better way to get more people to ruin their livers than to create a holiday centered on hooch. I guess it didn’t probably start that way, but now St. Patrick’s Day is as synonymous with booze as Charlie Sheen is synonymous with cocaine and television shows that aren’t nearly as funny as people make them out to be. But seriously, be safe and remember to poor one out for your fallen homies.

Here is my favorite St. Patties Day Video, an oldie but a goodie...

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