Thursday, June 16, 2011

Zoo Trip

What do you get when you put two people together that are both hot, hungry and annoyed? My Wife and I this past weekend at the Columbus Zoo! Sometimes we combine our powers and form a super ball of anger. Sometimes our powers clash and we turn on one another. In either of these situations the result is a fairly entertained blog post, at least for you. For me? Blood pressure medicine.

So we hadn’t even reached the zoo before the world took a big’ol dump right on our heads. And by world I mean Google Maps, and by dump I mean it gave us totally wrong directions. No, I do not mean confusing directions. I also do not mean out of the way directions. I mean that it took us to the wrong place. Google Maps said stop here and guess what, there was no zoo. We spent the next hour trying to figure out where we were and how to get to the zoo from there. I may have had one or two or five screaming freak outs where I needlessly pounded on the steering wheel and cursed Google and their so called maps. But that is just a rumor; you should know better than to believe everything you read on a blog. So we called mom to help us find our way. She started looking and then asked if I had a pen. When I answered no she could not believe it. So she asked again. Still no pen, mom. It was unbelievable to her that I didn't have a pen. Lost in the largest city in Ohio and she got stuck on lack of pen?

Well as you may have guessed, we did find the zoo; about an hour after we intended to. If the day just went prefect from that point, I’d stop writing here. Nay children, the idiots of the world surrounded us for an afternoon of fun, adventure and nut shrinking excitement. In everyone’s individual mind eye, are they their own main character in an unending chorus line of stupidity? Or are they so consumed by themselves that they are oblivious to everyone else around them? Perhaps they are incapable of grasping such concepts like manners, public behavior and common sense. The idiocy was not limited to visitors of the zoo either. I ordered some food and a Pepsi and a Diet Pepsi from an eatery. I was subsequently asked to repeat my drink order three times! Was this guy high? Was I high? The Wife and I hadn’t eaten in a while thanks to the arduous task of finding the zoo, so we were both very hungry. If you know us, then you know not to f around with us when we are hungry, and here was this guy asking me to repeat my order of soft drinks! I slaughtered him and stashed the body in the Polar Bear tank.

We spent the next few hours dodging strollers and slow moving humans as we attempted to see the animals without making contact with any of the other sweaty patrons of the zoo. They should issue license to walk. It is called a straight line people! Also do not stop in the middle of everything to pick your nose, look at your map or tell your child to stop being an asshole. Yes, your kid is being annoying, but do us all a favor and discipline them off to the side. I hate sudden stops where I end up rear ending someone with my crotch. Then the person I hit is like “Why were you so close perv?” I wouldn’t be following so close if you weren’t walking slower than someone’s grandma after a colonoscopy. How about the couple that has a two year old and a six year old who let the six year old push the stroller? Child labor much? He can’t even see over the handlebars and you expect him NOT to ram into everything in the park? Did I mention I’m a strong advocate of state sponsored human neutering?

I have led you to believe it was not an enjoyable time. This is untrue. Anytime spent away from work with my Wife is spent well. The Zoo, after getting there and getting food was great. The animals were fairly active for such a hot day. After the zoo we met up with some friends for dinner. There was just one more little annoyance when I could see the restaurant, but I couldn't get to it. Apparently it's impossible to make roads and signs that help you get somewhere.

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