Monday, August 27, 2012

Fall 2012 Movie Preview

After many months of slacking, the seasonal movie preview returns. I am busy, so lets make this fast. I am here to tell you what my hype level is for a few movies coming this fall. Those levels are: Go see it now! Wait for post theatrical release or, never ever see this movie. I personally shun those who go against my advice.

If I miss anything, please give me my flogging in the comments below.

Resident Evil: Retribution (Sept. 14)
LOL Wut? I saw a long trailer for this online and had no idea there were so many Resident Evil movies. I saw the first one and it was terrible so I moved on with life. I guess someone sees them. I won't be counted among them. Seriously, the zombie and vampire fad is played out. It's time for another mythical creature to take over. I vote for a tale about a unicorn that falls in love with a regular horse, but can't be with her because of a family feud. That would still be a better love story than Twilight.

Dredd (Sept. 21)
Despite the cheese filled dialog of the trailer, I actually want to see this. I know it's a reboot and I usually go all Sons of Scotland on reboots, but I won't lie to you. I will probably wait for Netflix, but it looks entertaining enough, especially it you've seen the original.

House at the End of the Street (Sept. 21)
DON'T GO IN THE BASEMENT! Jennifer Lawrence, you 've survived the Hunger Games and are then stupid enough to get yourself caught in a horror movie and what's the first thing you want to do? You walk to the house at end of the street and go into the basement. I'm not even sorry for you. If you like horror movies, go see it. For everyone else who already knows the ending based on the minute long trailer, move along, nothing to see here.

Taken 2 (Oct. 5)
Liam Neeson is going to find you and kick your ass because he is a Jedi, and an Immortal Batman villain, and the captain of a battleship, and in love, actually... If I say I did not see Taken, will you kick me out of my own blog? I have heard it's good, but never got around to trying it out myself. That said, I can't help but notice how similar this sequel looks to the trailer for the original. I figure I will catch up with both of them on Netfilx before the third one (where they take his dog) comes out.

Cloud Atlas (Oct. 26)
So no one has heard of this. I think it looks interesting. It sure has a lot of stars in it. That doesn't make it good, but I guess it counts for something. If it even comes to theaters here in BFE, then I may convince The Wife to see it. If not, then on to post theatrical release it is!

Wreck-It-Ralph (Nov. 2)
I am genuinely excited for this movie! Classic characters from video games and John C. Reilly? Take my money!

Skyfall (Nov. 9)
Mr. Bond is back to be bruteing and stuff. I saw and liked Casino Royal. I did not see the second one with the confusing name, no matter how many times the Wife may claim I did. Do I really need to see it? No. Will I see Skyfall? No.

Lincoln (Nov. 9)
Let's see if old Spielberg still has what it takes to sneak up behind us and blow our brains out with an awesome movie! I'll tell you one thing, Daniel Day Lewis sure looks like our 16th president. I am moderately excited for this. I'm sure it's already on the Oscar watch list just because of the director and lead actor, but it could still be a bad movie.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (Nov. 16)
It's finally over! Ring the bells, call the choir! Open the most expensive wine and get ready. It is finally over! At long last we have but one more Twilight movie to suffer through! But seriously, you would have to break my legs, arms and pelvic bone; cut off my eye lids, remove my voice box, plug my fart hole, shave me all over, tie me to an electric chair and force bath salts down my throat for me to sit quietly and watch this underwear stain of a movie. If movies were a person; this would be the two week old dingle-berry hanging from the taint hair of that person.


  1. The Master
    Seven Psychopaths

    All movies I would have appreciated hearing your thoughts on over Resident Evil, House/Street, and Twilight.

    I also want to see Dredd though. However, the fact you didn't see Taken makes me think less of you as a person. And you're the second person I've talked to TODAY who's not excited about Bond, I hate you. Go Lincoln!

    You suck

  2. My unyielding love of Milla Jovovich contractually states I must see the new "Resident Evil" movie.

    I am actually pretty pumped to see "Dredd". The comic was eviscerated by Stallone in the original with the cardinal sin being that Dredd removed his helmet at all in the movie. The comic's creator was given a viewing last week and he gave it his approval. Said he had one little nitpick towards the beginning of the film but that was it. That has me even more excited now.

    I will see "Skyfall" and "Wreck-It Ralph" in theaters and maybe "Cloud Atlas" if it comes around here, the Wachowskis still have some leftover "Matrix" goodwill with me. Other than that I see some Netflix viewings ("House at the End of the Street", "Taken 2", and "Lincoln") and some avoid-at-all-costs ("Twilight") in my future.

  3. The Master (bater?)
    Looper (Pooper?)
    Argo (Aragorn's fat younger brother?)
    Seven Psychopaths (any cross country team?)
    Flight (of my hand to your face?)

    I have not heard of these movies. Am I super out of the loop?

    Next time I'll just have you make a list and I'll bash from there.