Saturday, August 11, 2012

Ten Shark Movies!

In honor of Shark Week 2012, The Wife asked that I put together a comprehensive list of the ten greatest shark movies of all time. I went into my troll cave and made this list instead. The following shark movies may (and in many cases may not) be any good at all...

Number 10: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
I have not seen this movie. I searched for Shark movies to research this post. As soon as I saw the title of this film, I knew it had to be included. I never plan to see this movie nor watch the trailer, or even read a plot synopsis. No, I think all I need to know is in the title: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. That about sums it up. Sure, never judge a book by its cover, but I seriously doubt this is really a commentary on current race relations in the United States or a savy political drama about money, power, corruption and George Clooney. I'm pretty sure its about a Mega Shark and a Giant Octopus who get into a fight over some poorly written plot points.

Number 9: Shark Night 3D
Here is the IMDB description of this movie: "A weekend at a lake house in the Louisiana Gulf turns into a nightmare for seven vacationers as they are subjected to shark attacks." Umm... So... don't get in the water? The IMDB entry goes on to read "They soon come to the realization that 15 species of sharks are lurking in the water, and with no form of boat or transportation, and no signals for phone's, the group of seven now face a fate they would never imagine." No, stop it. Really? Did anyone see this movie. Why?

Number 8: Blood Surf
I have a feeling that this is a bad movie. Want proof?


Number 7: Any Given Sunday
The gripping tale of the Miami Sharks professional football team as it struggles with injuries and egos must rank among the great shark films ever made because it's my list and I say so. Plus it has Al Pacino, who looks like a man shaped shark...

Number 6: Raging Shark
The plot of Raging Shark: Doctor Mike Olsen returns from his oceanic observation station, where his wife Linda feels in charge, when it's reported in desperate trouble after a sudden shark attack wrecked the oxygen supply. The accompanying ship and even the coast guard are also attacked, and soon other sites in and around the Bermuda triangle, where a few years earlier an alien space-ship crashed, which now seeps a mysterious organic crystal. The US Navy sends a submarine, which also carries bureaucrat Ben Stiles, who berates safety and other violations aboard. More dangers lurk inside as getting out proves physically daunting. It made the six spot just for that.

Number 5: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Stay with me here. During the second task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament, the competitor for Durmstrang, Victor Krum, morphs himself into a shark to recover something the merpeople have taken into the Black Lake. Shark movie.

Number 4: Jaws 2
Not really a bad movie. It couldn't possibly live up to the original, but still not a bad movie.

Number 3: Shark Tale
Okay so this is actually a pretty good movie, even if it is reactionary a Finding Nemo rip off. Ever notice the rule of two in movies? When Volcano came out, so did Dante's Peak. Armageddon, Deep Impact. It goes on and on. Generally one is considered good and the other repetitive rubbish. Well Shark Tale is actually pretty entertaining as kid movies go.

Number 2:  Deep Blue Sea
"They ate me! A mother f***ing shark ATE ME!"

Number 1: Jaws
Seriously, there is no better shark movie. Despite giving sharks a very negative stereotype that persists even today, Jaws is one great movie. It is without question the greatest shark movie ever made and must be at least in the top 100 films of all time. Now excuse me, I have to go follow The Wife around as she shops for clothes; should I  hum the Jaws soundtrack as I mindlessly stalk the isles?

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