Review: Carrie

Hobo Dan: The Wife had to convince me to see this. I generally do not go out of my way to see horror films. It’s not that I dislike horror films, but the general mindless hacking and slashing that takes place is lost upon me. The very fact that there are “rules” to horror films makes them so totally predictable. Have sex? You’re going to die. Born a minority? You’re going to die. Scoff at the notion of bad things happening in the dark/old house/woods? You’re going to die.

I've never see the original Carrie or any of the multitudes of remakes. I know the story though, just like people who've never seen Star Wars already know who Luke’s father is. Pop culture has a way of being soiled. So what can I say about the story? I mean its Carrie, what are you really looking for here? High school kids are dicks. High school kids need to learn to test for telekinetic powers before ridiculing other kids. Side Note: in the last several months I have seen TV shows and movies involving high school gym classes. They all have pools where they hold class on occasion. Where do these people go to school? Even Hogwarts doesn't have a pool.

The acting in Carrie is superb. On a casting note, I truly appreciate when Hollywood casts actors to play high school kids that look like they are actually in high school. Not that I want to piss of Grease fans, but that group of actors couldn't pass if it was about the ten year reunion. Anyways, Chloe Moretz was just fantastic as the sheltered title character. Now that I think of it, I don’t believe I've ever seen her not being great. Julianne Moore was convincingly demented as the Mother. The supporting cast was completely competent at what they were asked to do and again, looked the part of high school kids/teachers.

If you've seen the old Carrie’s, there isn't going to be much new for you here. If you've never seen Carrie, but like myself you know all about it, there isn't much new for you either. If those two sentences don’t cover you, then did you just get the internet and why did you choose to come here first?

The Wife: Having seen the old Carrie numerous times, I've come to appreciate the cheese and dated nature of the late 70’s film. Normally I’m not real big into re-makes, but once it was announced that Chloe Grace Moretz would be portraying Carrie in the new film, I was intrigued. I love her as Hit Girl in Kick-Ass and was excited to see how she would handle the iconic role of troubled, telekinetic Carrie.

Hobo Dan shockingly has never seen the original Carrie or previous remake, but as most non-hermit humans would, he already knows the story of the prom night gone horribly wrong. With the Halloween season here, I convinced him that Carrie would be an appropriate movie to see. He usually isn't big on horror films, but of course Carrie isn't the typical slasher/gory flick you get from your run of the mill scary movies like the Saw franchise.

As a child the character of Carrie never frightened me but her mother sure as heck did. At age 28, I found this to still be true. Julianne Moore played Carrie’s strict and let’s face it down right cray cray mom perfectly. I didn't think she could freak me out like the original actress, but Moore really lived up to the role! Moretz was fantastic as Carrie and it was nice to see her expand her range outside the likes of Hit Girl and the foil to Alec Baldwin’s Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock. She made me feel even more sympathy for Carrie than Sissy Spacek did in the original film. Both actresses were great, but each delivered a unique performance to the role.

I could really tell I was watching a well-done re-make when I found myself wishing and hoping that Carrie would have her dream prom night rather than the nightmare that I KNEW was going to happen. I credit that to Moretz. Overall this is a good movie. Not award worthy or anything, but a solid film.

Review: Gravity

So I am a space nerd. I mean I read space.com daily and weekly am surfing Wikipedia for explanations about physics concepts I have no business reading. I owned and watched the documentary Moon Shot over thirty times as an eleven year old. I shed tears when Alan Shepard died. Star Trek is a thing for me (don't mention Into Darkness). I want nothing more than for the US Government to hand NASA the keys to the Treasury so we can go to Mars, like, tomorrow. Why has no one built a real Millennium Falcon? What are we doing with our lives? If I was given the chance to go to space, I would take it. So obviously I should like Gravity, right? Not so fast.

First, and I'll keep this as spoiler free as possible,  if this movie is real life, Sandra Bullock is dead after the first exciting incident. Period. Then things only get crazier. I'm sorry, and I know it's a movie, but if you're going to promote your film for its scientific accuracy, then I can be all hands aboard the neck-beard ship. Don't get me wrong, the action makes for compelling drama and absolutely amazing visuals, but it could not happen.

But those visuals. Here they got it right. I have never been to space. I also generally hate floaty/shaky cameras, but in Gravity, they are used to make you feel like you're floating along side the actors and it works perfectly. The Wife commented several times how much she needed to vomit. Sidebar, when I go to space, she plans to stay home. And as much as it pains me to say, the 3D effects were also some of the best I have seen, despite the headache I suffered after. But the center piece to all this was the earth. Always there, always visible, always gorgeous. I could not tell if/when they used CGI versus real photography from satellites and that is about the biggest complement I can give.

The acting is meh. It's Sandra Bullock and George Clooney doing their thing. Par, passable, believable, not stunning or Oscar worthy. Also, under those spacesuits they wear a Liquid Cooling and Ventilation Garment, not a tank top and tight bun-huggers. Sorry, did I nerd out again? Anyways, the story is thoughtful and packs some decent impact and character development (even if very compressed). But honestly the analogy at the end is overtly obvious and once again screws with the science aspect of the film (I'll comment below on what this is, so not to spoil it here).

Gravity is a good film, not a great one. It's kind of like a supermodel who passed two years of college before dropping out; she has some brains, but it's still probably best if she leans on her looks to get through life.

The Black Hole

Wait, is it October?

I feel like I just came out of a coma. A coma I was perfectly conscious for. I am fully aware of how completely I ignored everything and one since April. Not that I don’t have a damned good excuse, but I do apologize. It’s called the Black Hole. It’s caused by work. I’m not saying I have cleared the event horizon, but I am working at full engine capacity to warp out of this funk.

It came to me this past weekend. The Wife and I went to Morgantown, West Virginia with friends and family for the WVU game against Texas Tech. We tailgated and cheered and booed and witnessed a fight (more on that below) and I realized how disconnected I have become since being promoted in April. I haven’t written, or socialized or anything; it’s been stressful. So I’d like to apologize for being stressed out and mean and elusive and for letting Dump the Blog decay. I can’t promise I won’t still be that way from time to time, but I will try hard not to.

Now that’s out of the way, let me tell you about Morgantown. Not Morgantown, West Virginia; Morgantown the person. Morgantown is the daughter of some random dude sitting in the row ahead of me at the WVU game this weekend. He named his daughter Morgantown! I guess she got off lucky; he could be an Oregon fan. This gentleman had copious amount of enthusiasm (alcohol) for the home team. Unfortunately, he believed everyone else that didn’t have as much passion (meth addiction) as he was actively rooting for the other team. This lead to verbal insults and finally, some very choice sign language directed at the rows behind us.

Now I have seen a lot of creative ways to flip people off. I mean a lot! But I have never seen someone tattoo the image of a hand giving the middle finger on their right calf muscle. It seems like a really awkward spot. Once he had exhausted his actual hands in the exercise of vulgarity, he turned, bent over and lifted his pant leg to reveal the tattoo (all while using his wife’s head to balance himself on the bleacher). This was the final insult, apparently, that sparked the target of these attacks and Morgantown’s father to start rolling down the bleachers of section 220. The fight didn’t last long; rolling quickly down five rows of metal bench seats is the number one cause of short fights. We laughed, took pictures and flipped one another calf birds the rest of the afternoon. It was lovely.

So Dump is back, kind of. I want to know what you want me to write about. Comments please. Also, I’d like to thank a certain cousin-in-law-in-law(?) for harassing me about the blog and making me feel super guilty about all this time off.

The Process

As I dive back into the world of Relay and begin the slow process of bringing these characters back to life, I have to stop and think about what makes me write in the first place. Writing is not easy. In fact for most people writing is hard work. It is certainly hard work for me. So why do I fill my free time with it?

I believe it starts with my desire to tell a story. Ever since I can remember I have enjoyed entertaining people. Somewhere along the line I became terribly introverted, so writing was only natural. I cannot stand in front of people and speak, sing, dance or tell jokes. If I had to do any of this, I’d probably melt under the intense scrutiny. Often I’ll make an off handed comment, play it back in my head and cringe at how utterly stupid it must have sounded, and that’s when speaking to two or three people. So writing works because it’s not in person and I have the chance to edit myself and tell myself how stupid I sound. I’ve been writing stories for as long as I’ve been able to write. I want to say something and be heard. I think we all do. The problem is figuring out what it is you want to say in the first place.

It’s easy to say “I am afraid of getting old and dying.” But that’s not compelling. Everyone is conscious on one level or another that life has an end. How we express ourselves about it is what I’m talking about; working through the anxiety to find some meaning to it all. That’s why I write these dumb little stories. I am searching. I’m talking to myself. My brain is slowly digesting the world, searching for a reason in all this madness. It just poops out as stories.


P.S. – Sorry for the lack of April posting, we’ve been sick/busy. Seeing 42 this weekend, will report on Monday.

The Movies of April 2013

April is full of a bunch of movies that, if I were rich and didn't need a job, I'd probably go see in theaters because I just like to see movies. But I don't live in that fantasy land of gum drops and rainbows. I live in the green hued Matrix where you are forced to sit down, shut up and do your work or the men in suits will come get you. I generally put Level 2's this months as, I'd see but don't have time or am too poor. You can sort it out I guess.

Don't forget the process I follow to find these little gems of film making. I go to IMDB, find the list of films for a given month and watch the trailers for said films. Then start writing. If I leave anything off this list then it is absolutely not worth my time. Remember, I use my totally made up Hype Rating System (HRS) to discern how much I want to see or not see these movies. Level 1: I plan to see this movie in theaters and so should you! Level 2: I'll probably wait until post theatrical release to see this film (Netflix, Blu-Ray, osmosis). Level 3: This movie will give you an STD. Level 4: I don't want to see it, but the Wife is making me; nothing I can do about it, I signed a contract.

April 5

Evil Dead - Level 3
Where is Bruce Campbell? Okay, I'm going to tear up my nerd-cred card now, I never saw the original Evil Dead films! Put down the pitch forks. I really don't know what to make of this movie. Did we need to remake the Evil Dead? I guess everything gets a remake these days; but we still can't get The Dark Tower made once! I assume from the trailer that they have obviously removed the campyness of the originals. It looks bloody, which I guess some people are into, but not me. Blood for bloods sake is just not appealing at all to me. I'll pass because I hate horror movies, remember?

Trance - Level 2
Young Professor X likes to steal art, too bad he got hit on the head and can't remember where he hid his most recent heist. Maybe a hypnotist can help? Looks like a decent heist/action/lost my memory mind f**k movie. It just doesn't scream "See me now!" I’ll wait till Netflix unless any of you know a good hypnotist that can beam it into my head sooner.

The Company You Keep - Level 2
Robert Redford is too old to jump that fence. Realism broken movie. You cannot go back. He is far to old to jump that fence. I cannot get over it. Oh, hi Shia LaBeouf, you still not dead for ruining Indian Jones? I should give you another chance, but you keep being you and I just don't want you. I see Even Stevens, I see smart ass kid in several other movies. You are a smart ass in every movie Shia and I cannot tolerate it. I cannot. You could probably believably jump that fence though...

Jurassic Park 3D - Level 1
Shut up and take my three extra dollars! Seriously, I am here writing this blog about movies because of Jurassic Park. One of the greatest films ever. Do not speak ill of this movie. You can say whatever you want about the sequels, but the original is an untouchable classic of our modern age and I will jump at every opportunity to see it in theaters, no matter what gimmick they add or price they ask.

The Brass Teapot - Level 2
A poor married couple finds a teapot, a brass teapot even, that spits out money every time they hurt themselves. Then the Jewish mafia comes looking for the teapot, so they have to run from them, while at the same time coming to terms with the corruption than comes from having money gush from the teapot as blood gushes from them. Kind of odd looking, quirky, just up my ally. It will never get within two hours of our theater, but see it if you get the chance and let me know how it turns out!

6 Souls - Level 2
Now here is a horror movie I can get on board with. The trailer wasn't filled with blood or shrieking women in their underwear. There is something very wrong with this guy and the doctor (Julianne Moore) just wants to find out what. No one expects that he is actually a serial killer who is consuming the souls of his victims.

April 12

Oblivion - Level 2
For all the crazy surrounding Tom Cruise, he does actually make some pretty good science fiction movies. I mean, Minority Report was awesome! Also, when I have the need for speed or am looking for a few good men or have an impossible mission to accomplish; I call Tom. I'd like to see Oblivion in theaters, but 42 is taking priority, a double feature maybe?

42 - Level 1
Baseball may just be the best sport to make movies about. And what better story than that of Jackie Robinson? The trailer touts this is the tale of a true American Hero and I tend to agree. Looks like a fine cast and we all know the story. Looking forward to this one.

Scary Movie 5 - Level 3
So what we have here is a parody horror franchise (Scary Movie) making fun of a satire horror franchise (Scream) that was making fun of traditional horror franchises. I’m just going to go ahead and jump on down to Limbo to await the climax of this cluster. After five movies, I think the joke may be getting a bit old. What happened to the idea of an actual comedy horror movie with clever and subversive laughs instead of obvious slap stick/bathroom humor?

To the Wonder - Level 2
I get serious Oscar vibes from this one, and it's not just because I like Javier Bardem. Aside from an all star cast including Bardem, Ben Affleck and Rachel McAdams, the trailer made it look very much like a thoughtful, introspective look at love that I'm sure will garner some attention next February.

April 19

The Lords of Salem - Level 2
So Evil Dead just dropped to the third best Horror movie this month, if you judge by trailers, which is the whole point of this blog post... Anyways, I like the idea of taking the Salem witch trails lore and making it into a quasi secret society for the devil kind of thing. Interesting. Also, written and directed by Rob Zombie for those who care.

April 26

Pain & Gain - Level 3
I did not watch the trailer for this film. I was going to. I even had it loading up. But then my mind pleaded with me not to spoil the fantastic plot synopsis it had written based totally based off the poster and title. Yes, I judged this book by its cover. In my version, FBI Agents Johan Pain and Bartholomew Gain (played by The Rock and Marky Mark respectively) must go deep undercover as inmates into a federal prison to uncover the truth behind the world largest illegal steroid ring. To gain the trust of the inmates, they must complete in painful secret bench press competitions against other inmates. They hear rumors of an ultra-competitive tournament and know that winning it is the key to uncovering the truth. After a long, homoerotic workout montage, they are able to enter the contest and end up in the finals facing one another. I won’t spoil the end. Guest staring Lance Armstrong.

The Big Wedding - Level 4
I just get the feeling The Wife is going to make me watch this. Well, it looks to have too much old people sex. Nothing against old people, but you know what I mean. Everything is fine, they are kissing and it all "Isn't that nice they are still so passionate after all these years!" Then suddenly Diane Keaton has her shirt off and Robert De Niro is all squinty and I can't tell if he's having a stroke or needs an eye exam. It's just a mess.

Mud - Level 2
LOL at Matthew McConaughey playing a character named Mud using his normal accent. "Muuud." LOL. I'm so ready for Star Trek all I can think about is Harry Mud. +10 points for those of you that know of whom I speak. I'd watch this, but children actors seem to play heavy rolls and I am very untolerant of most child actors. Maybe if Matthew was a few years older...

At Any Price - Level 2
You know, I see so many quotes flash by in the trailer telling me I should see this movie and how it's great. But then Zac Efron keeps running around with his shirt off racing cars and doing older women and I think "No." First, because Zac is spelled with a damned "H". ZacH! Second, okay I don't have a second. Looks alright, may even be good, but by April 26 I'll be so close to Star Trek into Darkness I can taste it and won't have time for ZacH or his chiseled, hairless chest. I can only my descriptions of ZacH's chest has not swayed this to Level 4 territory...

And so you have been told of the films of April. Now, go out and purchase new pants, because May is on the horizon. Are you not excited? Must I remind you of: Star Trek Into Darkness, Iron Man 3, The Hangover Part III and The Great Gatsby?