St. Patrick’s Day

I hope everyone has a very merry get drunk off your ass day. Not like us working folk needed another reason to try and drink away the sorrow caused by our meaningless small existences. I was going to do some research on the holiday to flex my history degree muscles, but I got really bored reading about the Catholic Church. The period of time after the Vatican stopped crusading against the Muslims in Jerusalem but before it started crusading against the Boy Scouts of America is a real snore fest. So I had a green beer or fifty and passed out. I dreamed I was in a small black community in Alabama and everyone was real excited because they saw a leprechaun in a tree. I thought it was a crack head. It must have been caused by the dye they used in the beer.

When I woke up I realized I hadn’t written a damned thing about this poor excuse for a holiday. At least we don’t have a holiday for every catholic saint; they seriously have one for everything. What would you do if there were a St. Thomas More day, the patron saint of Lawyers? I personally would like to have a St. Ambrose day, the patron saint on Beekeepers. We could all lather ourselves up with honey and run wild into a field of beehives. That would be fun right?

I hate it when people try to pinch me because I’m not wearing green. Try it again and I’ll pinch you… between my car and a tree. How did that get started anyways? Were they going around pinching people in Ireland to check for alcohol poisoning? If they responded they weren’t dead yet? I don’t know, but it sounds to me like some creeper made it up to get a free pass at touching people. And what’s with Leprechauns in the first place; scary little dudes that ride around on rainbows and hide gold for people to try and find. What happens when someone finds the gold, do they get jumped by the Leprechauns and beat up? What kind of weapon would a Leprechaun use; maybe a little tiny butterfly knife. I think a gang of them could probably mess you up pretty bad. A good shank to the kidneys from a knife wielding midget would teach you to stay away from their Lucky Charms.

If I learned anything from the years I refused to partake in the tradition, it’s that people drinking are always looking to get more people drinking. They want to pass it on, kind of like VD without most of the shame. So what better way to get more people to ruin their livers than to create a holiday centered on hooch. I guess it didn’t probably start that way, but now St. Patrick’s Day is as synonymous with booze as Charlie Sheen is synonymous with cocaine and television shows that aren’t nearly as funny as people make them out to be. But seriously, be safe and remember to poor one out for your fallen homies.

Here is my favorite St. Patties Day Video, an oldie but a goodie...

Dump the Corroboration

Sorry, it's going to be a pretty short one this week. After Monday's post you probably need a break to figure out if I'm sane or not. Anyways, I'm looking for a few good bloggers to lend a hand every now and then. Nobody flip out; I'm not stepping back. This isn't the first step to a barren and empty blog as it has been in the past. A friend recently asked if I was open to the idea of guest bloggers. It turns out I am. Mind you before application, the post must keep within the spirt of Dump, the blog. Read a few past posts and you'll get the idea. I'm still kicking around exactly how this will work myself so feel free to hit me with your ideas. E-mail will work best to contact me or just comment here and I'll get back to you. The email address is: dumptheblog@gmail.com

Also I’m hunting for more ideas of what to write about in the future. If you have any subjects you’re just dying to hear me mangle please mention them in the comments. I’m not guaranteeing I’ll touch on them, but I will at least put some thought to them and see what happens.

For you readers who have no plans to apply, be excited, this is your chance to read even more stories of woe and discontent; not to mention most other writers don't rely on run on sentences as heavily as I. Be safe, and sarcastic. Dump.

Nonsense

Turd-gobbling rat monkeys from outer space love the naked cinnamon challenge. They are, however, very cautious of smiling wobble-bangers in high heels providing hot wing contests. Those competitions always turn out to be kidnapping ploys sponsored by the Federal Bureau of Hot Wing Kidnapping Contests. The FBHWKC’s annual budget is 45 million, even though they only hold three events per year and employ seventeen agents. The rat monkeys try to avoid government programs because they don’t have green cards and only speak German. The rat monkeys chose to learn German to intimidate their mortal enemies, the drunken fart huffing mouse monkeys, who speak French. The mouse monkeys are arrogant wall bangers who refuse to use UPS because they claim to know exactly what brown can do for you, and they don’t like it. A certain mistranslation from English to French has led the mouse monkeys to believe the A-Team to be a nauseating sex maneuver. Those are only a few reasons for the rivalry between the two parties.

Now history shows us that people who speak German and people who speak French don’t get along; but the feud between the rat monkeys and the mouse monkeys has been going on long before they came to earth and learned its languages. One million years ago to the second from when I write this, the groups where created on their home planet. The mouse monkeys look nothing like a mouse or a monkey, they more resemble a goat. The rat monkeys look exactly like what you’d expect the offspring of a rat and a monkey to look like if thrown down the ugly tree. It is tradition in their culture to throw a new born from the highest branch of the ugly tree. If the child lives, it is welcomed to the community. If the child dies, it doesn’t have to live with its hideous appearance. The mouse monkeys on the other hand are born ugly but under go numerous plastic surgeries to make them look more like a huge purple Botox Oprah.

The rat monkeys that have migrated to America have had trouble holding to the ugly tree tradition. Without their homeland’s tree they have resorted to the American way to make people ugly, drugs, child abuse and McDonalds. All the rat monkeys that went to Europe are fine because there are forests of ugly trees there. Despite recent reports, relations between the two alien forces remain strained. The mouse monkeys have suggested the rats choke themselves on knives. The monkey rats insist they would rather use swords because the knives are too short to reach all the way down the esophagus. The rat monkeys have started using pooperangs when engaged in combat with the mice. Despicable little devices especially when you consider the high corn diet the rats enjoy. As tensions in the Middle East continue, it's only a matter of time before the true blood war between the turd-gobbling rat monkeys and the drunken fart huffing mouse monkeys breaks out in full. Stay tuned for updates on this most pressing issue. Good Day.

Spring 2011 Movie Preveiw

So let’s get something strait. I don’t have money to go see all the movies. Sorry. I know you all desperately crave my opinion on everything but I don’t just crap money; believe me I’ve tried. Anyways, this lack of movie going potential has led me to this post. I’ll be previewing movies and letting you know through a very simple rating system if I think you should see them or not. I have three basic hype ratings for the talkies. Category one, go see it in theatre. Category two, wait for Netflix or rental. Category three, I would only see this movie if you tied me to a chair and wired my eyes open like in A Clockwork Orange. I think those are pretty clear. Not like that ridiculous star system some critics use. What exactly differentiates a movie with three stars from one with three and a half? Probably nudity. Oh, and one more thing before we get started. When I do suggest a movie, and it happens to be in 3D as well as regular, I want you to see it in regular old 2D. My feelings about 3D are pretty clear, but I will reiterate. 3D is a blight on an already unoriginal industry that uses new technology to push forward instead of good writing and creative cinematography. If a movie is only good in 3D, then it was never good to begin with.

I think it goes without saying that far and away the movie of the spring I’m waiting for the most is Thor. And yes I know it comes out in May, but I'm counting it as spring anyways because there are a lot of movies this year; so shove off. If you’re not familiar, Thor is being produced by Marvel Comics and is an adaption of their popular comic line of the same name. Thor is the mythological the Norse god of thunder among other things. If you don’t know much about Norse mythology because all they ever teach in school is crappy Greek and Roman (which are the same damned thing!) then you are in for a real treat. Another reason to be excited is the director, Kenneth Branagh, who is best know for directing and acting in just about every Shakespeare play ever. Throw in Sir Anthony Hopkins as Odin and how can this movie be bad? I’ll be seeing this one in theatres come rain, shine or Ragnarok. May 6.

I guess if I'm counting May as spring then I have to mention Pirates of the Caribbean: on Stranger Tides. For someone who didn't really care for the second and third Pirates movies, I could care even less about this money grab. That being said, Johnny Depp will probably make it watchable. I would usually call this one a wait until Netflix, but I guess I forgot to mention the super secret fourth category: my wife is making me go. So chances are I'll be dropping coin at the theatre for this one. May 20 *pretends to be excited*

I wasn't sure about Battle: Los Angeles when I saw the first preview. Not much for camera shaking and quick cuts, but the Super Bowl ad caught my eye. I do also like the acting of Aaron Eckhart, even before he was Two Face. Unfortunately, I just don't see enough time in the schedule for this one. Netflix it is. March 11.

There is a new movie coming out directed by the same person who did the Twilight movies! Aren't you excited? Yeah, me neither; Red Riding Hood think I'd rather eat dirt and poop sandwiched between urine cakes. Also March 11 if you really wanted to know.

I'd kind of want to see Sucker Punch! in theatres because Zach Synder movies look better on the big screen.  That said, I doubt I'll see it until Netflix. March 25

I know my wife is going to try and get me to see Scream 4. I am going to fight her with all my heart and soul. As if the first two sequels weren't testament enough on how to milk a franchise. Category three, I'd like to forget they are making this movie to begin with. Unfortunately the wife will probably win this battle because it's close to her birthday. Ugh. April 15.

For some reason I had no idea until a few days ago that The Hangover 2 comes out in May. Not that I’m super excited for it, but that's a pretty big movie to have had no trailers in circulation. I enjoyed the first one the first time I watched it; the following billion times my wife made me watch it have started to wear on me. What made the first film work was it’s out of nowhere antics that provided some shock value. If all this sequel provides is a rehashing of the first, Ah la Home Alone 2, where all they do is up the crazy and keep everything else the same I’ll be sad face. This is in theaters for me only because my wife will force it. I’m pretty sure I’ll know if it’s worth it five minutes in. May 26.

So yeah, there are a ton of movies on the horizon, and I'm not going to cover them all. Anything I didn't get here, please feel free to ask me about in the comments. I'll try my best to give you my honest and sarcastic opionion.

Death to Laptops

I've known for awhile now that I need a new battery in my laptop. When you own a laptop that is just a fact you have to face. But you see, recently, and just after the battery fully died, the power cord to said laptop also crapped it pants. I was able to fix it with duct tape, but this was only temporary. I guess duct tape can't fix everything; my world has been destroyed. This left me with no main computer and a two hundred dollar bill to get the replacement parts. Thus, I hate laptops. I have for a long time and this only reaffirms it. I don't care how convenient it is to sit with one on the couch while you watch TV. That's what the iPad is for, that and moister prevention.

You see, no matter how much money you throw down to get a laptop, eventually it will get cracked or bent or thrown off a dock in a fit of rage because the battery died just before you got in the final ebay bid on that giant William Shatner poster you always wanted. My wife wants our next computer to be another laptop and I told her she'll have to kill me in my sleep before I bring a new one of those over prices paper weights into my home. At least not before I get the shiny new iMac I want; but that's beside the point. Did I mention this is not the first time I've replaced the battery? Did I mention I've also had to replace one of the cooling fans? I know desktops have problems too, but they don't have batteries. You don't carry them around and expose them for hazards like weather, backpacks and stupid people looking over your shoulder at the library or coffee shop like they've never seen a laptop before.

And honestly, with mobile smart phones and tablet computers, I sometimes think the traditional laptop could be on the way out. But then again so could our civilization in general; did anyone watch Jeopardy a couple weeks ago, that Watson computer is just one more step toward Skynet. I was shocked when the show ended and Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't show up and start shooting at us with bazookas and mispronouncing simple english words. Technology is so helpful in helping us do things we never really needed to do in the first place. Really, all we NEED to do is eat to live, reproduce to replace and shit to, well you know, empty out. I guess in some way the computers are helping us do that; except for the people who sit in their basement and play video-games and watch porn, but do we really want them in the gene pool anyways?