Nonsense

Turd-gobbling rat monkeys from outer space love the naked cinnamon challenge. They are, however, very cautious of smiling wobble-bangers in high heels providing hot wing contests. Those competitions always turn out to be kidnapping ploys sponsored by the Federal Bureau of Hot Wing Kidnapping Contests. The FBHWKC’s annual budget is 45 million, even though they only hold three events per year and employ seventeen agents. The rat monkeys try to avoid government programs because they don’t have green cards and only speak German. The rat monkeys chose to learn German to intimidate their mortal enemies, the drunken fart huffing mouse monkeys, who speak French. The mouse monkeys are arrogant wall bangers who refuse to use UPS because they claim to know exactly what brown can do for you, and they don’t like it. A certain mistranslation from English to French has led the mouse monkeys to believe the A-Team to be a nauseating sex maneuver. Those are only a few reasons for the rivalry between the two parties.

Now history shows us that people who speak German and people who speak French don’t get along; but the feud between the rat monkeys and the mouse monkeys has been going on long before they came to earth and learned its languages. One million years ago to the second from when I write this, the groups where created on their home planet. The mouse monkeys look nothing like a mouse or a monkey, they more resemble a goat. The rat monkeys look exactly like what you’d expect the offspring of a rat and a monkey to look like if thrown down the ugly tree. It is tradition in their culture to throw a new born from the highest branch of the ugly tree. If the child lives, it is welcomed to the community. If the child dies, it doesn’t have to live with its hideous appearance. The mouse monkeys on the other hand are born ugly but under go numerous plastic surgeries to make them look more like a huge purple Botox Oprah.

The rat monkeys that have migrated to America have had trouble holding to the ugly tree tradition. Without their homeland’s tree they have resorted to the American way to make people ugly, drugs, child abuse and McDonalds. All the rat monkeys that went to Europe are fine because there are forests of ugly trees there. Despite recent reports, relations between the two alien forces remain strained. The mouse monkeys have suggested the rats choke themselves on knives. The monkey rats insist they would rather use swords because the knives are too short to reach all the way down the esophagus. The rat monkeys have started using pooperangs when engaged in combat with the mice. Despicable little devices especially when you consider the high corn diet the rats enjoy. As tensions in the Middle East continue, it's only a matter of time before the true blood war between the turd-gobbling rat monkeys and the drunken fart huffing mouse monkeys breaks out in full. Stay tuned for updates on this most pressing issue. Good Day.

Spring 2011 Movie Preveiw

So let’s get something strait. I don’t have money to go see all the movies. Sorry. I know you all desperately crave my opinion on everything but I don’t just crap money; believe me I’ve tried. Anyways, this lack of movie going potential has led me to this post. I’ll be previewing movies and letting you know through a very simple rating system if I think you should see them or not. I have three basic hype ratings for the talkies. Category one, go see it in theatre. Category two, wait for Netflix or rental. Category three, I would only see this movie if you tied me to a chair and wired my eyes open like in A Clockwork Orange. I think those are pretty clear. Not like that ridiculous star system some critics use. What exactly differentiates a movie with three stars from one with three and a half? Probably nudity. Oh, and one more thing before we get started. When I do suggest a movie, and it happens to be in 3D as well as regular, I want you to see it in regular old 2D. My feelings about 3D are pretty clear, but I will reiterate. 3D is a blight on an already unoriginal industry that uses new technology to push forward instead of good writing and creative cinematography. If a movie is only good in 3D, then it was never good to begin with.

I think it goes without saying that far and away the movie of the spring I’m waiting for the most is Thor. And yes I know it comes out in May, but I'm counting it as spring anyways because there are a lot of movies this year; so shove off. If you’re not familiar, Thor is being produced by Marvel Comics and is an adaption of their popular comic line of the same name. Thor is the mythological the Norse god of thunder among other things. If you don’t know much about Norse mythology because all they ever teach in school is crappy Greek and Roman (which are the same damned thing!) then you are in for a real treat. Another reason to be excited is the director, Kenneth Branagh, who is best know for directing and acting in just about every Shakespeare play ever. Throw in Sir Anthony Hopkins as Odin and how can this movie be bad? I’ll be seeing this one in theatres come rain, shine or Ragnarok. May 6.

I guess if I'm counting May as spring then I have to mention Pirates of the Caribbean: on Stranger Tides. For someone who didn't really care for the second and third Pirates movies, I could care even less about this money grab. That being said, Johnny Depp will probably make it watchable. I would usually call this one a wait until Netflix, but I guess I forgot to mention the super secret fourth category: my wife is making me go. So chances are I'll be dropping coin at the theatre for this one. May 20 *pretends to be excited*

I wasn't sure about Battle: Los Angeles when I saw the first preview. Not much for camera shaking and quick cuts, but the Super Bowl ad caught my eye. I do also like the acting of Aaron Eckhart, even before he was Two Face. Unfortunately, I just don't see enough time in the schedule for this one. Netflix it is. March 11.

There is a new movie coming out directed by the same person who did the Twilight movies! Aren't you excited? Yeah, me neither; Red Riding Hood think I'd rather eat dirt and poop sandwiched between urine cakes. Also March 11 if you really wanted to know.

I'd kind of want to see Sucker Punch! in theatres because Zach Synder movies look better on the big screen.  That said, I doubt I'll see it until Netflix. March 25

I know my wife is going to try and get me to see Scream 4. I am going to fight her with all my heart and soul. As if the first two sequels weren't testament enough on how to milk a franchise. Category three, I'd like to forget they are making this movie to begin with. Unfortunately the wife will probably win this battle because it's close to her birthday. Ugh. April 15.

For some reason I had no idea until a few days ago that The Hangover 2 comes out in May. Not that I’m super excited for it, but that's a pretty big movie to have had no trailers in circulation. I enjoyed the first one the first time I watched it; the following billion times my wife made me watch it have started to wear on me. What made the first film work was it’s out of nowhere antics that provided some shock value. If all this sequel provides is a rehashing of the first, Ah la Home Alone 2, where all they do is up the crazy and keep everything else the same I’ll be sad face. This is in theaters for me only because my wife will force it. I’m pretty sure I’ll know if it’s worth it five minutes in. May 26.

So yeah, there are a ton of movies on the horizon, and I'm not going to cover them all. Anything I didn't get here, please feel free to ask me about in the comments. I'll try my best to give you my honest and sarcastic opionion.

Death to Laptops

I've known for awhile now that I need a new battery in my laptop. When you own a laptop that is just a fact you have to face. But you see, recently, and just after the battery fully died, the power cord to said laptop also crapped it pants. I was able to fix it with duct tape, but this was only temporary. I guess duct tape can't fix everything; my world has been destroyed. This left me with no main computer and a two hundred dollar bill to get the replacement parts. Thus, I hate laptops. I have for a long time and this only reaffirms it. I don't care how convenient it is to sit with one on the couch while you watch TV. That's what the iPad is for, that and moister prevention.

You see, no matter how much money you throw down to get a laptop, eventually it will get cracked or bent or thrown off a dock in a fit of rage because the battery died just before you got in the final ebay bid on that giant William Shatner poster you always wanted. My wife wants our next computer to be another laptop and I told her she'll have to kill me in my sleep before I bring a new one of those over prices paper weights into my home. At least not before I get the shiny new iMac I want; but that's beside the point. Did I mention this is not the first time I've replaced the battery? Did I mention I've also had to replace one of the cooling fans? I know desktops have problems too, but they don't have batteries. You don't carry them around and expose them for hazards like weather, backpacks and stupid people looking over your shoulder at the library or coffee shop like they've never seen a laptop before.

And honestly, with mobile smart phones and tablet computers, I sometimes think the traditional laptop could be on the way out. But then again so could our civilization in general; did anyone watch Jeopardy a couple weeks ago, that Watson computer is just one more step toward Skynet. I was shocked when the show ended and Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't show up and start shooting at us with bazookas and mispronouncing simple english words. Technology is so helpful in helping us do things we never really needed to do in the first place. Really, all we NEED to do is eat to live, reproduce to replace and shit to, well you know, empty out. I guess in some way the computers are helping us do that; except for the people who sit in their basement and play video-games and watch porn, but do we really want them in the gene pool anyways?

Rage Quit

I quit. Cars that is, I quit them. What two face backstabber came up with that industry? “Here I’ll sell you this vehicle for a ton of money but I’ll see you again real soon when you starting having problems with it.” Awesome. I’m going to buy some horses. I’ll ride everywhere I need to go. If something isn’t in reasonable range of me and my horse, then I don’t really need to go there. But knowing my luck the horse would break a leg and I’d have to shoot the damned thing and make some glue, or dog food. Even then, at least it would be useful to me unlike cars which break down and become the eye sore of rural lower class America. I might as well scatter a few plastic flamingos and half naked children around the yard and throw a barbeque. I’ll buy some Bud Light and wear a cut off denim t-shirt with a Dale Jr. hat and cook up some road kill steaks; skunk is in season. Odin help us all.

You would probably like some context? So would I. I’d love to know what fate deciding ass hole crapped on my head. I have recorded my past problems in the automotive department in previous postings: The Tire, A Lost for Words, The Bad Friday and The Mouse: so I’ll spare you the recap. The wife and I decided to go to Huntington for dinner Friday night. In our normal run of luck, we both got off work late and were rushing around the house to get going. About three minutes after we left, my sometimes lovely wife turns and asks:

“Did I leave a bottle of Diet Coke in the dogs reach?”

“I don’t know.”

“I think I left the cap off! Oh my God, what if Winston (the dog) gets it and dies?” I assured her this would not be the case and the bottle was not left out. We proceeded to Huntington. Around about ten minutes from our destination, we hit a large bump in the road. I thought nothing of it and we went on for a minute or so, when I realized the bump caused us to flat. We later went back to discover the hole was actually a branch of the Grand Canyon; how did I not see it? So since July we've dealt with three flats now. Actually, my wife and I are now past three years of marriage heading to four and we are averaging two flat tires per year of marriage. It was also very dark outside. Before I got out of the car, my wife asked if I knew how to change a tire and I almost lost it. She later clarified that she meant if I knew how to change the tire on the new car. I shook my head and told her to make me a sandwich. Then I threw that damned donut on the new car and we rolled out to the Olive Garden. I mean, we were already there, may as well eat.

After a moment, I started thinking; perhaps some place is open that could change the flat real quick so we don’t have to drive the donut home. The Wife called both Wal-Mart’s in the area, one was closed and the other didn’t answer. I gave up until we got to the mall and I remembered that Sears has an auto center. Saved! And they where still open! We pulled up and showed them the tire. This was the first time I had a chance to see the flat in the light. I noticed at the same time the mechanics did, the large dent in the rim. They quickly informed me they could not fix it and sent me away because they wanted to close and go home to their families or porn, feel free to incert the word of your choice. People helping people, that’s what this world is all about.

So we went to Olive Garden. The relatively short wait seemed like a silent eternity as we sat and watched the fat nine year old girl across the waiting room wearing spandex short shorts do cartwheels and jumping jacks in the crowded space while the parents just pretended the kid wasn’t fat or annoying. Way to carbo-load your poor child and teach them to eat away their sorrows. Good luck with Weight Watchers in twenty years kid. Finally we were seated. I was happy to sit until I realized two things at the exact same time. First, those little mozzarella pushers put us right by the kitchen door that did nothing but slam all night. Second, they sat us at Andre the Giant’s special reserved table. If I’m uncomfortable with the height of the table, my poor wife (who is a foot shorter than I) must feel like a Hobbit.

Our conversation the rest of the evening was on our misfortune, the costs involved in fixing the tire, my concerns about drive home on the donut: among others. Yet all these pressing matters and still, after dinner and the movie as we settled into the car for the ride home, my lovely, caring, beautiful wife turns and asks: “Do you think the bottle of Diet Coke is okay?”

I drove the car off an embankment, into the Ohio River. I’m writing this from the beyond. Have a nice life.

*Rage quits*

Zen and the Art of Rambling

I sat down to think about this weeks post, but nothing came to mind. However, my desire to consistently post; so not to leave the blog barren and sad face, as in the past, pushed me forward to this point. At this moment I have yet to gel on one particular idea. Sometimes my mind is jumping off so many cliffs I don’t know whether to hold my breath, protect my face or shit my pants. If someone paid people to daydream I’d be Bill Gates, without the glasses and unoriginal OS. Alas my dreams are prisoners to my mind, unless you all possess Inception capabilities. Now there was a good movie I hope to high hell they don’t make a sequel to. I’m tired of terrible, unnecessary sequels. Doesn’t anyone in Hollywood have anything original to say? How hard is it to just not copy everybody else? Here, just off the top of my head:

Two guys suddenly find themselves walking through the desert wearing women’s clothing. They don’t know each other and have no idea how they got there or even who they are. Soon they come upon an oasis and living in that oasis is an old woman who trades them some men’s cloths for the women’s cloths and predicts their futures. She says one of them will live and remember everything; the other will die. They both think this is utter bullshit until they find a coffin hidden at the bottom of the oasis lake and inside it, pictures of one of them with people he doesn’t remember. The man in the pictures looks very happy. They assume the man whose pictures are in the coffin will be the one to die. They search the oasis for more artifacts but find none. Soon they run out of food and return to the old woman only to see she has turned into a lion who wants to eat them. Insert five-minuet chase scene.

The old woman lion catches them both because they were too stupid to spit up and tells them, still as a lion, that she will eat one and spare the other. The man whose pictures were in the coffin steps forward to accept his fate. But the other man, who still has no memory of his past life, reflects on the pictures they found of the other man. He puts himself forward to be eaten, so the other man might find his happy family again. Just as the lion goes to take the first huge bite out of the man’s ass, a helicopter moves over a sand dune and a sharp shooter takes down the lion. The men are saved until they realize the crew of the helicopter is after them, not the lion. The men are taken to a strange compound and raped mercilessly. Just before one of them dies, he looks at the other and says "I remember..."

Well you get the idea; it’s not that hard to come up with original ideas. I’d watch that movie, as long as the writer was able to conjugate an ending that tied all that crazy shit into a nice little bow and spoon-fed it to me so my Neanderthal mind would understand. How hard could that be? Speaking of hard… salami sandwiches, I haven’t had one of those in a long time. Which obviously brings me to that sham of a theory called time. I mean seriously, what bull. But go ahead and keep living in your little dream world where the sun comes up because it's time too, not because your pathetic little spot on the earth rotated to face it. So, this seems like enough for now. Remember, if life gives you lemon-lime Gatorade, combine it with some antifreeze and you have the perfectly disguised poison for your enemies.

Dump, out.

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