The Movies of March 2013

Another month, another bunch of bad movies to rip apart. Seriously is it May yet? I want my Star Trek! Anyways, March is slim pickings as usual.

Don't forget the process I follow to find these little gems of film making. I go to IMDB, find the list of films for a given month and watch the trailers for said films. Then start writing. If I leave anything off this list then it is absolutely not worth my time. Remember, I use my totally made up Hype Rating System (HRS) to discern how much I want to see or not see these movies. Level 1: I plan to see this movie in theaters and so should you! Level 2: I'll probably wait until post theatrical release to see this film (Netflix, Blu-Ray, osmosis). Level 3: I will never see this movie, not even for a cookie. Level 4: I don't want to see it, but the Wife is making me; nothing I can do about it, I signed a contract.

March 1:

Stoker - Level 2
Uncle Charlie looks like a f***ing werido! Also, why is this movie called Stoker? Don't get me wrong, I fully anticipated this to be another movie about vampires and was pleasantly surprised to find it's only about a mysterious quasi-incestuous uncle... that came out wrong.

21 and Over - Level 3
Scenario: kids go out to multiple parties to get drunk. Hollywood movie producers believe kids who like to go out to multiple parties and get drunk will want to see a movie about kids who go out to multiple parties and get drunk. Result: the producers make a lot of money because the sensibilities of people these days are disappointing.

The Last Exorcism Part II - Level 3
They really got my hopes up with The Last Exorcism. I mean, it was the last one right? You can't just call something "The Last..." if it's not the end right? You don't just tell someone "this is the last cookie", unless it's actually the last cookie! You may hear rumor from other readers here (The Wife) that I hate horror movies. I'll leave it up to you to determine the truth of that statement. I'll just be standing over here, in the crowded auditorium as the opening titles flash across the screen shouting "False Advertising!"

Jack the Giant Slayer - Level 2
Is this seriously a Jack and the Bean Stock movie or am I misinformed? Oh, well. I'm seriously on the rope about this one. On one hand it looks visually impressive. The giants look appropriately gigantic and filthy. While the standard fantasy set pieces are all in place and looking polished; I can't shake the feeling this will be 2013's John Carter (all beauty and no brains). Then again, I actually enjoyed John Carter for what it was.

Phantom - Level 2
Agent Mulder gets on a Submarine! Yay! I feel the tense submarine military drama is a little played out. I can only watch so many movies where 90% of the set location is in the confined space of a submarine. David Duchovny acting all Agent Mulder does get me going... But this only gets a level 2 because it claims to be based on real events; I am History nerd.

March 8:

Oz the Great and Powerful - Level 1
I have to see something this month! A month without movies is like that one time I ran without underware; all full of tension because one wrong move and things could get all... twisted. Anyways, when I first saw James Franco was in this movie, I was all, wut? Then I realized he is the perfect actor for a film where you escape the boredom of normal life by flying a hot air balloon into a tornado to travel to a colorful land full of witch's, munchkins, green cities and flying monkeys. Really all I want from Franco at this point, now that he has all the money in the world, is for him to put down the joint and get working on season two of Freaks and Geeks. That won't happen, because telling James to stop the pot is like telling me to stop the sarcasm. Oz will do I guess.

Dead Man Down - Level 3
I'm starting to get really bored with Colin Farrell. I mean you saw Fright Night right? He can smell your fear and now he's coming to get you! He suffers from the Clooney effect; he is the same person in every movie ever. The problem is he isn't nearly as likeable as George Clooney. This looks blah anyways. Also staring the chick from the original Dragon Tattoo movies and Prometheus, if that somehow would sway you.

March 15:

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone - Level 3
I often wonder why Steve Carell left The Office. One has to assume he meant to go on to bigger and better things. One would apparently be wrong, because Mr. Carell is now staring in this movie along side Jim Carry (another WTF happened actor). I just don't see how this will be funny. It has predictable written all over it. Also, is Alan Arkin in everything these days?

Upside Down - Level 2
Okay, you got me, I love bad science fiction. It makes me smile. But seriously, this is a bit much. What you're saying is these two planets are so close together in their orbits, that you can jump, yes jump, from one to the other and survive? No, bull crap. There is no way two celestial bodies of that similar of mass could orbit like that. I can suspend my disbelief for a lot of crap; artificial gravity, food replication, everything from the movie Armageddon, but this is just stupid and I won't have it. Well, I won't have it until Netflix, where I can mock in mercilessly from the comfort of my couch.

March 22:

Olympus Has Fallen - Level 2
I don't know what to say at this point. Action movie that blows up Washington D.C. as terrorists take the President hostage. Never seen that before. Even Morgan Freeman can't save this doomed action movie.

Admission - Level 1
Tina Fey and Paul Rudd star in a comedy about something? I'm in.

Spring Breakers - Level 3
You know what really grinds my gears? I'm watching the trailer for this film and everything is looking real normal. Some girls are desperate to on spring break, so they decide to get some fake guns and hold up a store or two. But they are nervous, so one says, to instill confidence in the others "Just pretend like it's a video game." Now I know the popular topic these days is how video games cause all this violence in the world. Video games are the problem, according to the news and to the government. I mean it is common knowledge that the Nazis were addicted to Donkey Kong. So it's only natural for Hollywood to go a head and toss video games under the bus as well by continuing the stereotype, because we all know Hollywood only makes good clean films about puppies and candy.

March 29:

G.I. Joe: Retaliation - Level 3
Oh man. You really want to hear what I have to say about this? Okay. You asked for it. I cannot begin to describe to you how dumb the first G.I. Joe movie was. I'm pretty sure it slipped me into a coma and stole my kidney when I watched it. Then I hear they are making a sequel. No, please have mercy on us! I hear they delayed this Retaliation almost a full year to make it 3D. Oh, I just dropped the bad word! 3D, you cantankerous, money sucking little whore; I knew it was only a matter of time before you raised your greasy head in 2013! I told you to get your stuff and go! So not only is G.I. Joe: Retaliation the sequel to an unforgivably bad "film", but they delayed its inevitable release to add 3D! No! No! Nooooooo! What would it take for me to see this movie? Nickolas Cage dressed as George Washington, wielding Excalibur in one hand and a diamond laden Super-Soaker full of moonshine in the other, riding an translucent velociraptor through the gates of Hell to slay a mighty hell-dragon. Call me when they add that to the movie and we'll talk.

The Host - Level 2
Just when you thought it was safe to go to the movies again, Stephanie Meyer writes another book and sells the rights to make it into a movie. Back to the shadows! Okay, fine I won't judge this based on my extreme dislike for Twilight. I'll just bash it because it really looks like just another teenage romance movie set in a science fiction/fantasy setting; love at first sight and all that other abusive relationship jazz. I give it Level 2 because I won't waste money at the theater for it, but I saw the first Twilight and I'll eventually see this because rule number one of any war is to know thine enemy.

The Place Beyond the Pines - Level 2
This looks pretty good. Bradley Cooper earned some dramatic credit with Silver Linings Playbook and he seems to be putting it to good use. Then we have Mr. Ryan Gosling. He is not so good. Just being honest, ever since I saw Drive, his acting makes me want to punch walls. That said, I am willing to give him one more chance, plus my crystal balls say this may end up in Best Picture Nominee territory come next February, which means The Wife will make me see it.

Tyler Perry's Temptation - Level 3
Anyone else really hope there is a twist at the end where Tyler Perry jumps out in drag? Me neither.

Starbuck - Level 2
This movie has nothing to do with Battlestar Galactica (old or new version) or coffee. What it does have to do with is a guy who donates to a sperm bank resulting in him fathering a ton of kids (533) who turn around and sue him. That sucks. Also, it's in French, but with English narration in the trailer, it's all very confusing.

Another month down. You have been warned...