Fall 2012 Movie Preview

Truth.

After many months of slacking, the seasonal movie preview returns. I am busy, so lets make this fast. I am here to tell you what my hype level is for a few movies coming this fall. Those levels are: Go see it now! Wait for post theatrical release or, never ever see this movie. I personally shun those who go against my advice.

If I miss anything, please give me my flogging in the comments below.

Resident Evil: Retribution (Sept. 14)
LOL Wut? I saw a long trailer for this online and had no idea there were so many Resident Evil movies. I saw the first one and it was terrible so I moved on with life. I guess someone sees them. I won't be counted among them. Seriously, the zombie and vampire fad is played out. It's time for another mythical creature to take over. I vote for a tale about a unicorn that falls in love with a regular horse, but can't be with her because of a family feud. That would still be a better love story than Twilight.

Dredd (Sept. 21)
Despite the cheese filled dialog of the trailer, I actually want to see this. I know it's a reboot and I usually go all Sons of Scotland on reboots, but I won't lie to you. I will probably wait for Netflix, but it looks entertaining enough, especially it you've seen the original.

House at the End of the Street (Sept. 21)
DON'T GO IN THE BASEMENT! Jennifer Lawrence, you 've survived the Hunger Games and are then stupid enough to get yourself caught in a horror movie and what's the first thing you want to do? You walk to the house at end of the street and go into the basement. I'm not even sorry for you. If you like horror movies, go see it. For everyone else who already knows the ending based on the minute long trailer, move along, nothing to see here.

Taken 2 (Oct. 5)
Liam Neeson is going to find you and kick your ass because he is a Jedi, and an Immortal Batman villain, and the captain of a battleship, and in love, actually... If I say I did not see Taken, will you kick me out of my own blog? I have heard it's good, but never got around to trying it out myself. That said, I can't help but notice how similar this sequel looks to the trailer for the original. I figure I will catch up with both of them on Netfilx before the third one (where they take his dog) comes out.

Cloud Atlas (Oct. 26)
So no one has heard of this. I think it looks interesting. It sure has a lot of stars in it. That doesn't make it good, but I guess it counts for something. If it even comes to theaters here in BFE, then I may convince The Wife to see it. If not, then on to post theatrical release it is!

Wreck-It-Ralph (Nov. 2)
I am genuinely excited for this movie! Classic characters from video games and John C. Reilly? Take my money!

Skyfall (Nov. 9)
Mr. Bond is back to be bruteing and stuff. I saw and liked Casino Royal. I did not see the second one with the confusing name, no matter how many times the Wife may claim I did. Do I really need to see it? No. Will I see Skyfall? No.

Lincoln (Nov. 9)
Let's see if old Spielberg still has what it takes to sneak up behind us and blow our brains out with an awesome movie! I'll tell you one thing, Daniel Day Lewis sure looks like our 16th president. I am moderately excited for this. I'm sure it's already on the Oscar watch list just because of the director and lead actor, but it could still be a bad movie.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (Nov. 16)
It's finally over! Ring the bells, call the choir! Open the most expensive wine and get ready. It is finally over! At long last we have but one more Twilight movie to suffer through! But seriously, you would have to break my legs, arms and pelvic bone; cut off my eye lids, remove my voice box, plug my fart hole, shave me all over, tie me to an electric chair and force bath salts down my throat for me to sit quietly and watch this underwear stain of a movie. If movies were a person; this would be the two week old dingle-berry hanging from the taint hair of that person.

Third Annual Mothman 5k

Shameless self promotion to follow...

Everyone, did you know the Wife and I put on a world class 5k road race every year? Amazing, but true. The Third Annual Mothman 5k run/walk will be commencing at 8:30 a.m. on September 15, 2012 in Point Pleasant, West Virginia. The run is in coordination with the Eleventh Annual Mothman Festival. You can pre-register for the race by going to this link, downloading the form and sending it in. Pre-registration costs $15 and ends on September 8! You can also show up the day of the race and sign up. Race day registration (or check in and pick up for those pre-registered) begins at 7 a.m. and ends at 8:15 a.m. The cost on race day is $20. The first 50 participants receive a Mothman 5k T-Shirt. All participants receive a goody bag. Optional hugs will also be on hand. Prizes will be given out for the overall Male and Female winners as well as age group winners. For more and up to date details, like Mothman5K on Facebook and follow on Twitter @mothman5k.

The race route travels through historic downtown Point Pleasant. Starting at the beautiful Tu-Endie-Wei State Park, the race travels up Main Street, past the Mothman Statue and Festival area, before turning right onto Ohio Street and then right onto Kanawha Street. A left hand turn puts you on a quick loop around the block near Harmon Park (Camden Ave. to Madison Ave. to Poplar St.) before returning you to Kanawha Street and heading back downtown the way you came. From there the course returns to Ohio Street and then finally back to Main Street. The finish line runs parallel to the iconic Mothman Statue in the heart of the Festival area.

As a former runner I can tell you this course is a lot of fun. Okay, we designed it too, so I'm biased. It is very flat save for a slight incline on Camden Ave. Except for a hundred meters or so of historic brick streets at the start, the course is all asphalt and well kept roads. The route will be well marked with signs, bright neon paint marks with a the pace car from the Point Pleasant Police Department. However, the roads are not closed to traffic during the race, so we do encourage participants to be aware. The course also crosses train tracks. No trains are scheduled at the time of the race, but we do ask participants to be advised and watch your ankles!

The start line at Tu-Endie-Wei State Park has a gorgeous view of the confluence of the Kanawha and Ohio Rivers. The Park itself has many interesting historical markers including The Point Pleasant Battle Monument, erected on October 10, 1909 as a tribute to a battle fought on the same date in 1774. The Park also has The Mansion House Museum, originally a tavern built in 1796, now a historic house museum. Very close to the start line is the Point Pleasant River Museum. The meat of the race takes you through historic downtown Point Pleasant, past the Mothman Statue and the Silver Bridge Memorial. Once the race is over we encourage all participants to stick around for the festival and explore the town of Point Pleasant.

Here is a map! To trick Google Maps I had to use a few extra Destination points (C and E). The start is Point A. Point B is the One Mile mark. Point D is the Two Mile mark. Point F is the finish line!

View Larger Map

Post Theatrical Release

While reviewing The Campaign on Monday, I found myself in a conundrum. I instructed people to "otherwise wait for the video release." In editing, The Wife changed the word "video" to "DVD" because she thinks the term video is too dated. Then I thought, isn't the term DVD dated?

But I don't want to call these Blu-ray either, that sounds like I am supporting Sony over all other formats. Nor do I want to list every platform the film could possibly be ported to. Think about all the ways you can buy or rent movies these days: DVD, Blu-ray, iTunes, Netflix, Redbox, Fancy Tom the bootlegging hobo out behind Wal-Mart, Hulu, Amazon; hell, I bet you can still get VHS copies somewhere. The list goes on. I'm sure someone is working on a new super High Definition format to replace Blu-ray that will beam the image directly into our eyes, melting our corneas.

I used the term video, because I knew that everyone would understand what I meant. I did not originally use DVD, because that is very specific to a DVD disc. It never occurred to me that people would instantly associate video with VHS, but the first person to read the term sure did. So what can I call them? Someone please help me! I hate brand association. I want a term for a movie that was in theaters and is now in a format that allows you to buy or rent a copy. The list below are a few of my own suggestions. What are yours?

PTR - Post Theatrical Release Copy (Bleck!!! That's boring. Also, thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey, The Wife giggles everytime I use the word "release")
VIWHUTYKUWT - Version I will have to update in two years to keep up with technology (a little wordy)
SSE - Small Screen Edition (sounds fancy!)
Rental (simple but only works for Netflix, Redbox and the others, not so much for if you buy it)

Review: The Campaign

The Wife: With two new movies coming out, The Campaign and The Bourne Legacy, we had to pick one to see first. Well, for those of you that actually know me, you know that there was really no contest. While I enjoy the Bourne series, Will Ferrell movies will always win out! Plus a Bourne movie without Matt Damon can wait another week.

I carry a biased opinion somewhat because as mentioned above, I love Will Ferrell movies. Pairing him with The Hangover’s Zach Galifianakis seemed like a recipe of pure, comedic gold for me, so The Campaign = a win-win situation. Not to mention a movie that mocks both sides of the political spectrum was the perfect medicine after weeks of reading useless, pointless, annoying Facebook arguments regarding the upcoming Presidential election. Well, The Campaign was exactly what I hoped and expected it to be: a couple hours of sheer stupidity and hilarious comedy. Ferrell was at his best, as usual, and Galifianakis simply added to the hilarity. Also, the brief appearance from Jason Sudeikis, who play’s Ferrell’s character’s campaign advisor, was notable as well.

The name of the movie is pretty self-explanatory as the movie centers on the election of Democrat Incumbent Cam Brady (Ferrell) and Republican new-comer and challenger, Marty Huggins (Galifianakis). Of course, the two engage in entertaining debates filled with stupid rhetoric as well as take part in ridiculous campaign mudslinging. Much of these things pokes fun at our current political debates/issues, which at times was scary since so much of what was on screen actually does happen in some (less funny, of course), way. There is a moral of the story at some point as the movie does have a semi-plot, but come one folks, a plot and moral is not why we watch Will Ferrell movies. And if you do watch his movies seeking these things then you really need to re-think your life.

Overall, The Campaign was simply put (as I’ve said way too many times in this review) hilarious. Fortunately, not all funny parts were shown in the previews, which sadly happens with many comedies. I enjoyed that this movie mocked politics as well as poked fun at “both sides” of the political spectrum. Sometimes you just need to laugh and you need a stupid movie, where you don’t have to use too much brain power. Frankly, for those of you who are on the anti-funny movie train, please grow a sense of humor. Not everything you see needs to be Oscar-worthy. If you are one of those types, I truly feel sorry for you. Lighten up! If you are as jaded with politics as I am and love Will Ferrell movies, then by all means head to the theatre for this one. However, if you enjoy funny movies but want to save your money, then this would be ok to wait for Netflix too as it really isn’t anything new from Ferrell (which is fine by me).

Hobo Dan: If you have seen any Will Ferrell movie ever made, you have a good idea what to expect from The Campaign. He is the quintessential dumb, slap stick, bumbling fool everyone loves to laugh at. Every movie he is in turns into this. Pay no attention to any of the other actors in the film; Will is here to be Will. I thought Zach Galifianakis could overcome this effect. I was wrong. Zach is totally over shadowed by the dumbness of Will Ferrell in this movie. I usually get a good laugh or two from Galifianakis and his subtle facial expressions, but he seemed totally lost in The Campaign. Lost, or in awe of just how dumb Will Ferrell really can be.

Don’t get me wrong, this movie had some really funny parts. I laughed. But nothing took me rolling into the aisles, giggling wildly as slurpee spews from my nostrils. I don’t know if Ferrell and company have lost a step, or just keep repeating the same old antics to the point that I am now immune to that form of idiocy. I suspect the latter. I never thought this could be true, but maybe I can only laugh at a full grown man acting like a retarded twelve year old so many times. Please understand, this kind of comedy has its place. I loved Anchorman and Talladega Nights. Step Brothers is the underrated king of the Will Ferrell genre in my opinion. I just think at this point in my life (and after the endless string of movies like this), I am ready for something a little more clever than crass. If you still hold a special place in your heart for Will Ferrell, then go see this, otherwise wait for the DVD release.

Ten Shark Movies!

In honor of Shark Week 2012, The Wife asked that I put together a comprehensive list of the ten greatest shark movies of all time. I went into my troll cave and made this list instead. The following shark movies may (and in many cases may not) be any good at all...

Number 10: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
I have not seen this movie. I searched for Shark movies to research this post. As soon as I saw the title of this film, I knew it had to be included. I never plan to see this movie nor watch the trailer, or even read a plot synopsis. No, I think all I need to know is in the title: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. That about sums it up. Sure, never judge a book by its cover, but I seriously doubt this is really a commentary on current race relations in the United States or a savy political drama about money, power, corruption and George Clooney. I'm pretty sure its about a Mega Shark and a Giant Octopus who get into a fight over some poorly written plot points.

Number 9: Shark Night 3D
Here is the IMDB description of this movie: "A weekend at a lake house in the Louisiana Gulf turns into a nightmare for seven vacationers as they are subjected to shark attacks." Umm... So... don't get in the water? The IMDB entry goes on to read "They soon come to the realization that 15 species of sharks are lurking in the water, and with no form of boat or transportation, and no signals for phone's, the group of seven now face a fate they would never imagine." No, stop it. Really? Did anyone see this movie. Why?

Number 8: Blood Surf
I have a feeling that this is a bad movie. Want proof?


Number 7: Any Given Sunday
The gripping tale of the Miami Sharks professional football team as it struggles with injuries and egos must rank among the great shark films ever made because it's my list and I say so. Plus it has Al Pacino, who looks like a man shaped shark...

Number 6: Raging Shark
The plot of Raging Shark: Doctor Mike Olsen returns from his oceanic observation station, where his wife Linda feels in charge, when it's reported in desperate trouble after a sudden shark attack wrecked the oxygen supply. The accompanying ship and even the coast guard are also attacked, and soon other sites in and around the Bermuda triangle, where a few years earlier an alien space-ship crashed, which now seeps a mysterious organic crystal. The US Navy sends a submarine, which also carries bureaucrat Ben Stiles, who berates safety and other violations aboard. More dangers lurk inside as getting out proves physically daunting. It made the six spot just for that.

Number 5: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Stay with me here. During the second task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament, the competitor for Durmstrang, Victor Krum, morphs himself into a shark to recover something the merpeople have taken into the Black Lake. Shark movie.

Number 4: Jaws 2
Not really a bad movie. It couldn't possibly live up to the original, but still not a bad movie.

Number 3: Shark Tale
Okay so this is actually a pretty good movie, even if it is reactionary a Finding Nemo rip off. Ever notice the rule of two in movies? When Volcano came out, so did Dante's Peak. Armageddon, Deep Impact. It goes on and on. Generally one is considered good and the other repetitive rubbish. Well Shark Tale is actually pretty entertaining as kid movies go.

Number 2:  Deep Blue Sea
"They ate me! A mother f***ing shark ATE ME!"

Number 1: Jaws
Seriously, there is no better shark movie. Despite giving sharks a very negative stereotype that persists even today, Jaws is one great movie. It is without question the greatest shark movie ever made and must be at least in the top 100 films of all time. Now excuse me, I have to go follow The Wife around as she shops for clothes; should I  hum the Jaws soundtrack as I mindlessly stalk the isles?