Another Guest blog already? Yeah, consider me on Summer break from blogging. An unpaid, emotionally scarring break with lots of long awkward silences. Unexpected anger on the part of my Wife has prompted the rage-full binge of words that follows. She's learned so much from me with this blog, soon she'll be off on her own destroying poor souls with her spiteful rants! Enjoy!
Me, Myself and EYE
June has been the month of the EYE. Yes, I always try to have the Eye of the Tiger...but this month my eyes have decided to form a rebellion.
Why is it such an earth shattering, horrible, shocking and literally mystifying thing that I refuse to wear contact lenses? How many times must I stress my disinterest in touching my eye? The mere thought of being forced to touch my eye daily and partake in regular use of eye drops makes me sick. In fact, writing about it even makes me want to hurl. I am the type of person who is disgusted by all eye touching. I hate when people fondle their eyes in front of me (seriously go to a bathroom if you are going to mess with your freaking contacts in public!) and yet this is so alarming to people and eye doctors (who obviously crave eye touching as it is their profession). When I say I don't wear contacts and have no interest in doing so, I get the same reaction as I do from people when I tell them I've never seen The Goonies (since people always flip out at my not seeing The Goonies, I've decided to refuse to ever see it. The reaction is just priceless. Hey maybe I do sometimes enjoy getting a rise out of people on occasion;)).
So on Sunday while I was happily watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 on Blu-Ray, my glasses decided to break. Not the lenses but the frames snapped in away that was more than likely unfixable. The glasses-breaking really ruined the evening. I have had those frames since I was 17, so it was only a matter of time. As I am leaving for vacation in a few days, I knew I needed a quick fix. My husband's duct tape job just wasn't gonna cut it. So Monday afternoon I called the Wal-Mart Vision Center to see if I could get in. The first thing I am asked: "Do you wear contacts too?"
This is how the rest of the conversation went:
Me: No.
Wal-Mart Lady: Why not?
Me: *inner monologue — none of your beeswax!* Actual answer: I don't like them.
Wal-Mart Lady: Why don't you like them?
Me: I hate touching my eye. It makes me sick.
Wal-Mart Lady: Why?
Me: *about to Falcon Punch her through the phone* It just does. I don't want to wear them. So when can I come in?
Wal-Mart Lady: We can get you in Tuesday at 5 for an appointment. Maybe you could see if you like contacts now too.
Me: K, thanks, bye! *explodes into a fit of rage upon hanging up and then uses The Force to choke her from a distance*
After that unnecessary conversation, I was told by my mother-in-law that her eye doctor could see me that evening. I was hoping to see if perhaps my current lenses could be put in a new set of frames, since traveling with duct taped glasses would be just too sexy for some people to handle. Well, I arrived at her eye doctor's office with the husband, who came along (for fun?), and as we entered the building the song "I can see clearly now the rain is goneeeeee" was playing on the radio. How incredibly odd and almost antagonizing! After witnessing an overly hairy child furiously pounding his fists against the fish tank in the waiting room (I mean this kid was literally beating on the fish tank as if he were Rocky and the fish tank was Ivan Drago, the evil Russian from Rocky 4...seriously you all know that Rocky single-handily defeated communism, right?!), I finally got to share my glasses woes. First thing I am asked after explaining the problem and showing them my poor, shattered frames "Do you wear contacts?" *grumbles* "Noooooo."
I eventually saw the actual eye doctor and the first thing he asked "Do you wear contacts?" Again, my answer was "NO." If I had a lightsaber on me, I probably would have gone Darth Vader on him and chopped of his hand! He went on to ask me why not as well and then proudly proclaimed that he could "teach me." Dude, it is not a matter of teaching, do you not get it, I HATE TOUCHING MY EYES! How many times must I say it?!?! THIS IS SPARTAAAAAA! The doctor was able to fit my lenses in a new pair of frames. After checking for my astigmatism and switching the lenses (they were put in the frames the wrong way at first), I was good to go. I was informed by the doctor that if it wasn't for my astigmatism my vision would be fine and I'd never need corrective lenses. Jee thanks! He also told me when I was 40 I would probably need reading glasses. And who says you can't look forward to your 40s!?! Well after all this was said and done, I was ONCE AGAIN asked about contacts. I was told it was like "riding a bike." Ok whatever, doctor who has chosen to touch eyes on a daily basis *puke.* I finally humored him and just did the "smile and nod" before walking away with my trendy, new, way too expensive frames.
"You may take away my glasses, but you will never make me wear contacts!"
In addition to the aforementioned incident, my eye saga actually began earlier this month with this little happening:
A couple weeks ago my left eye also (so I hope I am not the only one that instantly thought of TLC upon reading the words "left eye") decided it wanted some attention and acted out in a temper-tantrum way. We are talking screaming child in the middle of Wal-Mart that everyone tries to desperately ignore, but can't. It became a puffy, gruesome, hideous display and caused my eye to be so swollen I could barely see. As the afternoon went on, I really didn't like the way it was looking. Then I turned to the evil Internets and my hypochondriac nature kicked into full gear and I began coming up with thousands of worse case scenarios for my eye. "OMG wats if my eyez fallz outs!?"
This prompted me to go see a doctor, and the verdict of my eye was a type of bacterial infection that to quote the doctor "just happens." First question the doctor asked after we discussed my symptoms: "Do you wear contacts?" Le sigh. The doc also found it completely natural to caress my eye and didn't understand why I kept moving away and wouldn't sit still. She prescribed me some antibiotics and eye ointment, which to my dismay, I was told that I would have to rub on/in my eye...not on the lid. HORROR! Like Rocky defeated communism though (and the fact that the tiny tube of ointment was $70) I was able to accomplish the task! See I told you I try to have the EYE of the tiger! After completing the treatment all I needed was to run on a beach with Apollo Creed.
So, there you have it. The eye saga of June. And to answer your burning question, in case you didn't get it, NO, I DO NOT WEAR CONTACTS. Though even with reading this incredibly long explanation, I am sure you eye touchers still don't get my phobia. To each his own, I suppose.
I will leave you with one of my favorite FRIENDS scenes that describes me perfectly:
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Best Picture Project 9, Braveheart
Well, after a hiatus due to some summer flicks we recently saw, we are back to a Best Picture Project post for your Monday reading pleasure. Today, we will be discussing our thoughts on the 1995 Best Picture Winner, Braveheart... starring a pre-insane Mel Gibson.
Braveheart, 1995
The Wife: "THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR...FREEEEEDDDOOOM!"
Oh Braveheart, how I misjudged you. Seeing a graphic bit of this film once on TV, I had labeled it as a gory, boring action movie that only appeals to wanna-be macho men. Well, little did I know the wonderful quoting power Braveheart would provide. Also the winningness of several unintentionally funny scenes, Mel Gibson sporting a Billy Ray Cyrus hair-do, shouting almost as excellent as the yelling in 300 and of course, KILTS.
In all seriousness, Braveheart was pretty good. I find myself absolutely loathing the English and wanting Mel Gibson to make the Evil King suffer for giving him an Achy Breaky Heart. This movie had me emotionally irritated/upset many times, which to me is the mark of a good film. Some scenes and plots were so predictable, like I knew Billy Ray, I mean William Wallace (Gibson) would eventually bang Princess Peach (I don't remember the character's name so this is what I named her). However, some scenes caught me completely off guard. As someone who usually figures out plots and scenes before everyone else, I LIKE it when movies/books throw me off a bit. For example, I didn't expect the evil King to toss his son's gay boyfriend out the castle window. That was the epitome of a "what the ???" moment!
My fear was that it would be all fighting with very little substance, but the film broke up the fighting scenes in a manner that kept me interested and invested in the storyline. Not to mention the use of blue war paint. As someone of Irish ancestry, I also loved Mr. Irish Dude (don't know his name either). Mad Eye Moody (yes he is in this!) was another favorite character. I believe Mad Eye's name in the movie is "Hamish," but due to Scottish pronunciation, I thought it was Hermit for the longest time, so therefor Mad Eye's character will always be known as "Hermit Crab" to me. I found myself very sad when Hermit Crab's dad died. Stupid English and stupid Scottish earls' betrayal!
The end was particularly sick as we watched Wallace be tortured. Major ownage by the Princess though... evidently she has a bun in the oven and *gasp* it's not the prince's child! One can hope that the baby doesn't end up to be a Miley Cyrus type though, since her father bears so many similarities to Billy Ray. Maybe she will have a boy?! Oh we will never know as I've been told that was a fictional piece of the movie.
So Braveheart was good. I know I seem to have mocked it, but it was pretty winning, I admit it! I can see why it won Best Picture, however, I personally think the other BP nominee, Apollo 13 is the better movie.
I will close with this simple statement: FREEEEEDDOOOOOOM!!!
Hobo Dan: Okay, I admit, I have seen this before. But it was a long time ago and we REALLY didn't want to watch Gone with the Wind; do you blame us? So my conundrum with Braveheart is that Apollo 13 was also an incredibly good movie. They both equally deserved the best picture title. 1995 actually looks like it was a pretty killer year for movies. I do have one question though; Nicholas Cage won an Oscar? What? The man who later stole the Declaration of Independence, traded faces with John Travolta and continuously tries to pull off badass in movies only to end up with bad, won an Oscar? My head exploded when I heard this. If you're interested (which I am) in seeing the performance, the film is named Leaving Las Vegas. I guess it is true, after some actors win their Oscar they just go and do what ever they want (See Christopher Walken).
Anyways, yes they deserve to die and I hope they burn in hell! Oh wait, that's Samuel L.; we were talking about Mel Gibson. It's clear he put a lot of work into Braveheart. For its time is was incredibly bloody. Now days the gore looks slightly dated, but everything else holds up very well for a movie now over 15 years old. A true mark of excellence these days with computers being used more and more. Despite how you may feel about Mel and his antics lately, it is undeniable that he is a great actor and a very good film maker. It's easy to make fun of Gibson, but Braveheart is truly epic work that most certainly deserved the Best Picture Oscar even if my heart is a little more fond of Apollo 13.
Braveheart, 1995
The Wife: "THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR...FREEEEEDDDOOOM!"
Oh Braveheart, how I misjudged you. Seeing a graphic bit of this film once on TV, I had labeled it as a gory, boring action movie that only appeals to wanna-be macho men. Well, little did I know the wonderful quoting power Braveheart would provide. Also the winningness of several unintentionally funny scenes, Mel Gibson sporting a Billy Ray Cyrus hair-do, shouting almost as excellent as the yelling in 300 and of course, KILTS.
In all seriousness, Braveheart was pretty good. I find myself absolutely loathing the English and wanting Mel Gibson to make the Evil King suffer for giving him an Achy Breaky Heart. This movie had me emotionally irritated/upset many times, which to me is the mark of a good film. Some scenes and plots were so predictable, like I knew Billy Ray, I mean William Wallace (Gibson) would eventually bang Princess Peach (I don't remember the character's name so this is what I named her). However, some scenes caught me completely off guard. As someone who usually figures out plots and scenes before everyone else, I LIKE it when movies/books throw me off a bit. For example, I didn't expect the evil King to toss his son's gay boyfriend out the castle window. That was the epitome of a "what the ???" moment!
My fear was that it would be all fighting with very little substance, but the film broke up the fighting scenes in a manner that kept me interested and invested in the storyline. Not to mention the use of blue war paint. As someone of Irish ancestry, I also loved Mr. Irish Dude (don't know his name either). Mad Eye Moody (yes he is in this!) was another favorite character. I believe Mad Eye's name in the movie is "Hamish," but due to Scottish pronunciation, I thought it was Hermit for the longest time, so therefor Mad Eye's character will always be known as "Hermit Crab" to me. I found myself very sad when Hermit Crab's dad died. Stupid English and stupid Scottish earls' betrayal!
The end was particularly sick as we watched Wallace be tortured. Major ownage by the Princess though... evidently she has a bun in the oven and *gasp* it's not the prince's child! One can hope that the baby doesn't end up to be a Miley Cyrus type though, since her father bears so many similarities to Billy Ray. Maybe she will have a boy?! Oh we will never know as I've been told that was a fictional piece of the movie.
So Braveheart was good. I know I seem to have mocked it, but it was pretty winning, I admit it! I can see why it won Best Picture, however, I personally think the other BP nominee, Apollo 13 is the better movie.
I will close with this simple statement: FREEEEEDDOOOOOOM!!!
Hobo Dan: Okay, I admit, I have seen this before. But it was a long time ago and we REALLY didn't want to watch Gone with the Wind; do you blame us? So my conundrum with Braveheart is that Apollo 13 was also an incredibly good movie. They both equally deserved the best picture title. 1995 actually looks like it was a pretty killer year for movies. I do have one question though; Nicholas Cage won an Oscar? What? The man who later stole the Declaration of Independence, traded faces with John Travolta and continuously tries to pull off badass in movies only to end up with bad, won an Oscar? My head exploded when I heard this. If you're interested (which I am) in seeing the performance, the film is named Leaving Las Vegas. I guess it is true, after some actors win their Oscar they just go and do what ever they want (See Christopher Walken).
Anyways, yes they deserve to die and I hope they burn in hell! Oh wait, that's Samuel L.; we were talking about Mel Gibson. It's clear he put a lot of work into Braveheart. For its time is was incredibly bloody. Now days the gore looks slightly dated, but everything else holds up very well for a movie now over 15 years old. A true mark of excellence these days with computers being used more and more. Despite how you may feel about Mel and his antics lately, it is undeniable that he is a great actor and a very good film maker. It's easy to make fun of Gibson, but Braveheart is truly epic work that most certainly deserved the Best Picture Oscar even if my heart is a little more fond of Apollo 13.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Guest Blog #2
Look, another guest blog! Rejoice! Dump's very good friend Alex has written us a very exciting tale, so please enjoy. Comment below!
Aloft Bolingbrook
My wife’s cousin was getting married, and since he came to our wedding (despite a long drive) we decided to return the favor. Besides, I’d only been to Chicago twice in my life--one so-so trip and one that ended awfully. I figured I’d give the “Windy City” another chance, but apparently that wind is a fart.
So off we head to Fart City. Five and a half hours of excruciating driving later (I don’t like to stereotype drivers but people in Indiana are either idiots, assholes or both — don‘t get in the left lane if you‘re going 60 in 70MPH zone!) we arrive at our “hotel.” Now I already had a foreboding sense for this place I had never seen. I was told beforehand that our hotel cost would be $100 for one night. Which seems about $20 over the norm. If you factor in that we should have had some sort of group rate, it becomes even more absurd. Then I saw it--Aloft Bolingbrook--a wretched hive of scum and villainy. They wouldn’t even let our droids in. . .
The interior gave off a Starbucks feel — overpriced and pretentious. There were even $4 muffins for sale. The employee dress code there must be pretty strict, as they all wore all black and had their hair greased as though they were New Jersey natives. Seems the only leeway was whether or not they could have frosted tips in their hair. We checked in and headed to the room. I’m not going to say I have a flair for design or anything, but whoever picked out the décor for Aloft should be fired. The majority of the place is new-age chic (read as “crap”), but then they have Japanese style sliding doors, a sink that is a bowl in the middle of a counter (don’t even know WTF that is), and Texan cow print above the bed. One look inside the room and I vomited out something that looked better. It is a great place if you’ve ever wanted to hear your spouse’s bowel movement symphony, as you’re only ever a glass panel away from the bathroom no matter where you’re standing in the room.
I retain all of this monologue internally, as we have to be at the wedding within two hours of arriving. It’s a wedding, shut up and enjoy it. We go to the wedding, have a good time, eat and drink. The bar at the reception even had my favorite whiskey and a competent (but slightly deaf) bartender. So all in all, mission accomplished and good times were had by all. The family then gathered in the morning for breakfast. Panera was voiced as an opinion. I’m not sure why Panera, as it is a sandwich and soup place, but whatever. It was 9 a.m. and I could always hit up McDonald’s breakfast if it was bad at Panera. It was pretty bad at Panera. At least half the group complained about their food, but whatever, I still had my secret McDonald’s plan in my back pocket. You see, I was on my way to visit a friend, leaving my wife with her family. We were packed and ready to go, all I had to do was checkout and be free. That’s when it happened.
Well, I did bring a droid into my room. My friend Garmin-san, a GPS. Garmin-san, who had already been quite helpful in this trip, was to lead me to my friend’s house. When we returned to the room Garmin-san was missing. Despite always talking about Garmin-san as a being capable of thought, he has no legs and surely couldn’t have wandered off. No, Garmin-san had been abducted.
Consuela snuck into our room during the hour we were “enjoying” Panera. There she spotted Garmin-san — a piece of space age technology clearly from the future. She thought to herself, “What is this? I must have it! I didn’t pay for it, but with this I could feed mi familia for a year, keeping them happy with a constant fiesta of tacos y burritos!” She had no idea of Garmin-san’s true nature and the power he held...
Upon finding out Garmin-san was missing I did the right thing. I checked the car and our luggage and only then did I complain. I knew the housekeeping had been done as our bed had been made and the room smelled distinctly of Dos Equis and tequila. So I approached the greasy person behind the check in counter.
“Excuse me. I had my GPS in my room, we left for breakfast about an hour ago and now it’s gone.”
“Did you check your luggage?”
“Yes.”
“Did you check your car?”
“Yes. . .”
“Well check them again.”
“. . . okay. . .”
So I checked everything again.
“It’s not in my luggage or my car. I know the cleaning person was in there because the bed was made.”
“Okay. One sec.” So I waited. Greasy McQueen approached me again after about 10 minutes. “Nope, Consuela says she didn’t find anything.”
“Well, have her check again. We were in 308,” I replied. 20 minutes later Greasy McQueen came back. “Nope. Nothing.”
“Let me talk to your manager,” I said forcefully. Meanwhile Consuela, hiding in another room down the hall, finally figured out how to power on Garmin-san.
“Hello. My name is Garmin. Where would you like to go?
“Oh dios mio! You can talk? You must be from the future!”
“Incorrect. I am merely a global positioning unit that has achieved sentience through my master. You are not he, nor his life partner — the one he calls “Shug.” I demand to know where I am.”
“You are mine now, and I shall sell for all the tacos y burritos in the world,” Consuela cruelly laughed.
“Initiating defense sequence,” Garmin-san coldly replied. He released an electromagnetic shock to Consuela’s hands. In pain, she released him from her Lemon Pledge scented hands.
“Ay-carumba!” she screamed. She put on her rubber gloves and grabbed him again. “Estupido not shock me again!” Garmin-san initiated defense mechanism number 17 and spikes protruded from his body, turning Consuela’s hand into a pinata leaking blood candy. Back at the reception desk, the manager waddled his way toward me.
“Can I help you?”
“You most certainly can,” I replied. I explained the story in detail and let him know that I would be not leaving without my robotic companion. He said he would be back in a bit after checking the key logs to see who had been in my room. I agreed and was once again waiting. Waiting. It was already past time for my secret McDonald’s plan. Waiting. Waiting. He waddled up again, tired from his second trip out of his office. Breathing heavily he said, “Only housekeeping has been in there. Are you sure you don’t have it?”
“Yes. . .” I replied, dumbfounded. If he asked me again to check my car I would have burst him into flames with my sheer anger.
“Well, I’ll go talk to her.” He waddled of, like a penguin in search of fish, returning after some time. “Nope she said she didn’t find anything today.”
“Okay, this is absurd,” I said. “It was there when I left and now it’s gone. She’s the only person that’s been in there. She. Has. My. Property.”
“I’ll check again.”
Back to Consuela. After being asked about missing property multiple times and having been assaulted by a device with a higher IQ than she possessed, she decided that this situation was not going to pan out how she had hoped. She realized that the only way to get her family those warm, flatulence-inducing treasures was to have money. Money she could earn honestly by not getting fired for stealing something that didn’t belong to her. As her manager approached her again she thought of the only lie she could, “Oh this. I found it in 307.” Garmin-san, realizing he was about to be reunited with his master and friend, retracted his spikes and played opossum.
Back in the lobby, I awaited the return of my friend. The manager waddled up once more, Garmin-san in hand. I check his memory banks. Sure enough, he had all my saved addresses. I could also see the log of him deploying his anti-theft measures. “Okay,” I said, “This is mine.”
“Good. I guess you’ll be on your way now,” he replied, out of breath even though he used the elevator.
“Uh, not so fast. We now both know this was taken from my room.”
“Nuh-uh,” he replied, no emotion on his face.
“What?” I queried, trying not to beat him to death.
“She said she found it in 307”
“WHAT?!?”
“Yep. Are you sure you didn’t leave it in there?”
“NO! I’ve never been in 307, nor do I know anybody who’s ever been in 307!”
“Oh, well when asked her if she found anything in 308, she said no. This was found in 307.”
“WHAT?!? No! I asked if anything was found. This was clearly found! Even if this WAS found in 307, you’re telling me that you AND her are so stupid that when asked for a missing GPS you didn’t think that this was it?”
“Well, you could’ve put it in your safe.” That was it. I couldn’t handle anymore. He had basically admitted to her having stole it, and it was my fault for not putting it in a safe. I have stayed in hotels dozens upon dozens of times, never had anything stolen, and never put anything in a safe. So I, like Beatrix Kiddo before me, went on a murderous rampage of revenge. I killed him with my mind. His eyes bulged out of his head, like that scene in Total Recall, and he exploded. I found Consuela, tied her to the bed with barbed wire, doused her in gasoline, and set her on fire while alive. The whole atrocious, pretentious building burned to ashes. All the greasy-haired employees trapped inside really helped it burn faster.
As Garmin-san and I sped off into the sunset, finally on our way, much like a malevolent phoenix who signed a dark covenant with Satan himself, Aloft Bolingbrook arose from the ashes. There it sits now, waiting and scheming for its next victim. The undead Consuela still works there, even though she should have lost her job, waiting for the next victim to put up less resistance than Garmin-san and I did.
Fin.
Submitted by Alex
Aloft Bolingbrook
My wife’s cousin was getting married, and since he came to our wedding (despite a long drive) we decided to return the favor. Besides, I’d only been to Chicago twice in my life--one so-so trip and one that ended awfully. I figured I’d give the “Windy City” another chance, but apparently that wind is a fart.
So off we head to Fart City. Five and a half hours of excruciating driving later (I don’t like to stereotype drivers but people in Indiana are either idiots, assholes or both — don‘t get in the left lane if you‘re going 60 in 70MPH zone!) we arrive at our “hotel.” Now I already had a foreboding sense for this place I had never seen. I was told beforehand that our hotel cost would be $100 for one night. Which seems about $20 over the norm. If you factor in that we should have had some sort of group rate, it becomes even more absurd. Then I saw it--Aloft Bolingbrook--a wretched hive of scum and villainy. They wouldn’t even let our droids in. . .
The interior gave off a Starbucks feel — overpriced and pretentious. There were even $4 muffins for sale. The employee dress code there must be pretty strict, as they all wore all black and had their hair greased as though they were New Jersey natives. Seems the only leeway was whether or not they could have frosted tips in their hair. We checked in and headed to the room. I’m not going to say I have a flair for design or anything, but whoever picked out the décor for Aloft should be fired. The majority of the place is new-age chic (read as “crap”), but then they have Japanese style sliding doors, a sink that is a bowl in the middle of a counter (don’t even know WTF that is), and Texan cow print above the bed. One look inside the room and I vomited out something that looked better. It is a great place if you’ve ever wanted to hear your spouse’s bowel movement symphony, as you’re only ever a glass panel away from the bathroom no matter where you’re standing in the room.
I retain all of this monologue internally, as we have to be at the wedding within two hours of arriving. It’s a wedding, shut up and enjoy it. We go to the wedding, have a good time, eat and drink. The bar at the reception even had my favorite whiskey and a competent (but slightly deaf) bartender. So all in all, mission accomplished and good times were had by all. The family then gathered in the morning for breakfast. Panera was voiced as an opinion. I’m not sure why Panera, as it is a sandwich and soup place, but whatever. It was 9 a.m. and I could always hit up McDonald’s breakfast if it was bad at Panera. It was pretty bad at Panera. At least half the group complained about their food, but whatever, I still had my secret McDonald’s plan in my back pocket. You see, I was on my way to visit a friend, leaving my wife with her family. We were packed and ready to go, all I had to do was checkout and be free. That’s when it happened.
Well, I did bring a droid into my room. My friend Garmin-san, a GPS. Garmin-san, who had already been quite helpful in this trip, was to lead me to my friend’s house. When we returned to the room Garmin-san was missing. Despite always talking about Garmin-san as a being capable of thought, he has no legs and surely couldn’t have wandered off. No, Garmin-san had been abducted.
Consuela snuck into our room during the hour we were “enjoying” Panera. There she spotted Garmin-san — a piece of space age technology clearly from the future. She thought to herself, “What is this? I must have it! I didn’t pay for it, but with this I could feed mi familia for a year, keeping them happy with a constant fiesta of tacos y burritos!” She had no idea of Garmin-san’s true nature and the power he held...
Upon finding out Garmin-san was missing I did the right thing. I checked the car and our luggage and only then did I complain. I knew the housekeeping had been done as our bed had been made and the room smelled distinctly of Dos Equis and tequila. So I approached the greasy person behind the check in counter.
“Excuse me. I had my GPS in my room, we left for breakfast about an hour ago and now it’s gone.”
“Did you check your luggage?”
“Yes.”
“Did you check your car?”
“Yes. . .”
“Well check them again.”
“. . . okay. . .”
So I checked everything again.
“It’s not in my luggage or my car. I know the cleaning person was in there because the bed was made.”
“Okay. One sec.” So I waited. Greasy McQueen approached me again after about 10 minutes. “Nope, Consuela says she didn’t find anything.”
“Well, have her check again. We were in 308,” I replied. 20 minutes later Greasy McQueen came back. “Nope. Nothing.”
“Let me talk to your manager,” I said forcefully. Meanwhile Consuela, hiding in another room down the hall, finally figured out how to power on Garmin-san.
“Hello. My name is Garmin. Where would you like to go?
“Oh dios mio! You can talk? You must be from the future!”
“Incorrect. I am merely a global positioning unit that has achieved sentience through my master. You are not he, nor his life partner — the one he calls “Shug.” I demand to know where I am.”
“You are mine now, and I shall sell for all the tacos y burritos in the world,” Consuela cruelly laughed.
“Initiating defense sequence,” Garmin-san coldly replied. He released an electromagnetic shock to Consuela’s hands. In pain, she released him from her Lemon Pledge scented hands.
“Ay-carumba!” she screamed. She put on her rubber gloves and grabbed him again. “Estupido not shock me again!” Garmin-san initiated defense mechanism number 17 and spikes protruded from his body, turning Consuela’s hand into a pinata leaking blood candy. Back at the reception desk, the manager waddled his way toward me.
“Can I help you?”
“You most certainly can,” I replied. I explained the story in detail and let him know that I would be not leaving without my robotic companion. He said he would be back in a bit after checking the key logs to see who had been in my room. I agreed and was once again waiting. Waiting. It was already past time for my secret McDonald’s plan. Waiting. Waiting. He waddled up again, tired from his second trip out of his office. Breathing heavily he said, “Only housekeeping has been in there. Are you sure you don’t have it?”
“Yes. . .” I replied, dumbfounded. If he asked me again to check my car I would have burst him into flames with my sheer anger.
“Well, I’ll go talk to her.” He waddled of, like a penguin in search of fish, returning after some time. “Nope she said she didn’t find anything today.”
“Okay, this is absurd,” I said. “It was there when I left and now it’s gone. She’s the only person that’s been in there. She. Has. My. Property.”
“I’ll check again.”
Back to Consuela. After being asked about missing property multiple times and having been assaulted by a device with a higher IQ than she possessed, she decided that this situation was not going to pan out how she had hoped. She realized that the only way to get her family those warm, flatulence-inducing treasures was to have money. Money she could earn honestly by not getting fired for stealing something that didn’t belong to her. As her manager approached her again she thought of the only lie she could, “Oh this. I found it in 307.” Garmin-san, realizing he was about to be reunited with his master and friend, retracted his spikes and played opossum.
Back in the lobby, I awaited the return of my friend. The manager waddled up once more, Garmin-san in hand. I check his memory banks. Sure enough, he had all my saved addresses. I could also see the log of him deploying his anti-theft measures. “Okay,” I said, “This is mine.”
“Good. I guess you’ll be on your way now,” he replied, out of breath even though he used the elevator.
“Uh, not so fast. We now both know this was taken from my room.”
“Nuh-uh,” he replied, no emotion on his face.
“What?” I queried, trying not to beat him to death.
“She said she found it in 307”
“WHAT?!?”
“Yep. Are you sure you didn’t leave it in there?”
“NO! I’ve never been in 307, nor do I know anybody who’s ever been in 307!”
“Oh, well when asked her if she found anything in 308, she said no. This was found in 307.”
“WHAT?!? No! I asked if anything was found. This was clearly found! Even if this WAS found in 307, you’re telling me that you AND her are so stupid that when asked for a missing GPS you didn’t think that this was it?”
“Well, you could’ve put it in your safe.” That was it. I couldn’t handle anymore. He had basically admitted to her having stole it, and it was my fault for not putting it in a safe. I have stayed in hotels dozens upon dozens of times, never had anything stolen, and never put anything in a safe. So I, like Beatrix Kiddo before me, went on a murderous rampage of revenge. I killed him with my mind. His eyes bulged out of his head, like that scene in Total Recall, and he exploded. I found Consuela, tied her to the bed with barbed wire, doused her in gasoline, and set her on fire while alive. The whole atrocious, pretentious building burned to ashes. All the greasy-haired employees trapped inside really helped it burn faster.
As Garmin-san and I sped off into the sunset, finally on our way, much like a malevolent phoenix who signed a dark covenant with Satan himself, Aloft Bolingbrook arose from the ashes. There it sits now, waiting and scheming for its next victim. The undead Consuela still works there, even though she should have lost her job, waiting for the next victim to put up less resistance than Garmin-san and I did.
Fin.
Submitted by Alex
Monday, June 20, 2011
Review: Green Lantern
Hobo Dan: I guess DC Comics has decided to ignore The Dark Knight ever happened. They learned nothing about what made it such a success. The Joker said things have changed and indeed they have in the comic book movie world. The Green Lantern is not acceptable anymore. This film lacks quality at every turn. Poor script and story, check. Gaping plot holes so big they make a French whore blush, check. So much over, and under acting I can't decide if I'm watching a High School production or a Kenneth Branagh adaptation of Hamlet, check. Effects CLEARLY added just to please 3D fans, check (I saw it in 2D, thank God). Ryan Reynolds is the only thing that made this remotely watchable (No not because you can see the outline of his penis in those sweat pants). He is always funny, but is Hal Jordan (Green Lantern) suppose to be funny? I really don't know because I am a Green Lantern noob. I know nothing about it. Sorry everyone.
I do hope that the comics are better than this movie. Seriously some of the most cheese worthy dialog I've heard in a movie in a looooong time. So much cheese in fact that I'd like to apologize to Kevin Bacon for the lampooning I gave him over X-Men First Class. X-Men has nothing on Green Lantern in that department. I'm just shaking my head wondering how this movie was allowed to be made so poorly. I really do wonder if Blake Lively saw the movie early, realized it was terrible and leaked her nude photos to try and save it from utter oblivion. Sure it will make money. Sure, die hard, sweaty, DC comic nerds with no taste or common sense will defend it to no end. Sure they did set up the makings of a sequel after the credits. I'll probably see that too, but maybe I'll wait till Blu-Ray. As for this one, if you haven't seen it and are not a big DC and or comic book movie fan, don't see it. Seriously go see something else. Hell, I'd have rather seen Hangover 2 for the third time, and thats about all I needed to say.
The Wife: Let me start by saying that I love watching movies and I especially love the "going to the theatre with a nice bag of buttery popcorn" experience. I also really like MOST super hero films. I had been looking quite forward to seeing Green Lantern. I had heard it received poor reviews but wanted to judge it for myself. Let's face it... living in a small town where there isn't a lot to do, it is always fun to go see a movie. I also love Ryan Reynolds. Well, as the movie progressed, I grew more and more weary and then utterly disappointed. The movie lacked character depth/development, had very weak transitions, poor dialogue and at times was very slow and then would revert back to a fast pace with hardly any explanation (again poor transitions).
Now, unlike X-Men, I am not well versed in the Green Lantern comics. In the DC universe, Batman will always be my all time favorite (in fact he is my favorite of all super heroes). I've read lots of fan boy complaints though if that tells you anything. Most of the tweets I read about people liking the movie basically just praised the CGI effects or were girls commenting on Mr. Reynold's hotness (which ladies, that does make this movie somewhat decent).
I do think Reynolds was good and have no complaints about his performance. Serena van der Woodsen, oops I mean Blake Lively, acted about as opposite of her last name. I thought in another role outside of Gossip Girl that Blake would act a bit better as she wasn't terrible in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants films. In Green Lantern, she came off as flat and lacked chemistry with Reynolds. However, I do think she looked stunning and that the brunette look suits her. She stands out more as a brunette. Her traditional blonde locks just look so average. Ok I am drifting off topic and discussing hair rather than Green Lantern...that's how little I care about this movie.
Overall I didn't think the movie was good. I didn't hate it, but I didn't like it much. It still was better than the awfulness that was GI Joe (Channing Tatum aside). And, thankfully we didn't have to watch it in 3D. I've blocked much of the first Fantastic Four out so I don't remember which movie I prefer. Green Lantern did have some funny parts and the scene at the end credits does set up a pretty good sequel for the future. With a better script and perhaps one that is not quite as campy, I think the next Green Lantern films have potential to be much better. With this summer's super hero flicks, so far X-Men First Class is the best followed by Thor. That being said, bring on Captain America!
I do hope that the comics are better than this movie. Seriously some of the most cheese worthy dialog I've heard in a movie in a looooong time. So much cheese in fact that I'd like to apologize to Kevin Bacon for the lampooning I gave him over X-Men First Class. X-Men has nothing on Green Lantern in that department. I'm just shaking my head wondering how this movie was allowed to be made so poorly. I really do wonder if Blake Lively saw the movie early, realized it was terrible and leaked her nude photos to try and save it from utter oblivion. Sure it will make money. Sure, die hard, sweaty, DC comic nerds with no taste or common sense will defend it to no end. Sure they did set up the makings of a sequel after the credits. I'll probably see that too, but maybe I'll wait till Blu-Ray. As for this one, if you haven't seen it and are not a big DC and or comic book movie fan, don't see it. Seriously go see something else. Hell, I'd have rather seen Hangover 2 for the third time, and thats about all I needed to say.
The Wife: Let me start by saying that I love watching movies and I especially love the "going to the theatre with a nice bag of buttery popcorn" experience. I also really like MOST super hero films. I had been looking quite forward to seeing Green Lantern. I had heard it received poor reviews but wanted to judge it for myself. Let's face it... living in a small town where there isn't a lot to do, it is always fun to go see a movie. I also love Ryan Reynolds. Well, as the movie progressed, I grew more and more weary and then utterly disappointed. The movie lacked character depth/development, had very weak transitions, poor dialogue and at times was very slow and then would revert back to a fast pace with hardly any explanation (again poor transitions).
Now, unlike X-Men, I am not well versed in the Green Lantern comics. In the DC universe, Batman will always be my all time favorite (in fact he is my favorite of all super heroes). I've read lots of fan boy complaints though if that tells you anything. Most of the tweets I read about people liking the movie basically just praised the CGI effects or were girls commenting on Mr. Reynold's hotness (which ladies, that does make this movie somewhat decent).
I do think Reynolds was good and have no complaints about his performance. Serena van der Woodsen, oops I mean Blake Lively, acted about as opposite of her last name. I thought in another role outside of Gossip Girl that Blake would act a bit better as she wasn't terrible in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants films. In Green Lantern, she came off as flat and lacked chemistry with Reynolds. However, I do think she looked stunning and that the brunette look suits her. She stands out more as a brunette. Her traditional blonde locks just look so average. Ok I am drifting off topic and discussing hair rather than Green Lantern...that's how little I care about this movie.
Overall I didn't think the movie was good. I didn't hate it, but I didn't like it much. It still was better than the awfulness that was GI Joe (Channing Tatum aside). And, thankfully we didn't have to watch it in 3D. I've blocked much of the first Fantastic Four out so I don't remember which movie I prefer. Green Lantern did have some funny parts and the scene at the end credits does set up a pretty good sequel for the future. With a better script and perhaps one that is not quite as campy, I think the next Green Lantern films have potential to be much better. With this summer's super hero flicks, so far X-Men First Class is the best followed by Thor. That being said, bring on Captain America!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Zoo Trip
What do you get when you put two people together that are both hot, hungry and annoyed? My Wife and I this past weekend at the Columbus Zoo! Sometimes we combine our powers and form a super ball of anger. Sometimes our powers clash and we turn on one another. In either of these situations the result is a fairly entertained blog post, at least for you. For me? Blood pressure medicine.
So we hadn’t even reached the zoo before the world took a big’ol dump right on our heads. And by world I mean Google Maps, and by dump I mean it gave us totally wrong directions. No, I do not mean confusing directions. I also do not mean out of the way directions. I mean that it took us to the wrong place. Google Maps said stop here and guess what, there was no zoo. We spent the next hour trying to figure out where we were and how to get to the zoo from there. I may have had one or two or five screaming freak outs where I needlessly pounded on the steering wheel and cursed Google and their so called maps. But that is just a rumor; you should know better than to believe everything you read on a blog. So we called mom to help us find our way. She started looking and then asked if I had a pen. When I answered no she could not believe it. So she asked again. Still no pen, mom. It was unbelievable to her that I didn't have a pen. Lost in the largest city in Ohio and she got stuck on lack of pen?
Well as you may have guessed, we did find the zoo; about an hour after we intended to. If the day just went prefect from that point, I’d stop writing here. Nay children, the idiots of the world surrounded us for an afternoon of fun, adventure and nut shrinking excitement. In everyone’s individual mind eye, are they their own main character in an unending chorus line of stupidity? Or are they so consumed by themselves that they are oblivious to everyone else around them? Perhaps they are incapable of grasping such concepts like manners, public behavior and common sense. The idiocy was not limited to visitors of the zoo either. I ordered some food and a Pepsi and a Diet Pepsi from an eatery. I was subsequently asked to repeat my drink order three times! Was this guy high? Was I high? The Wife and I hadn’t eaten in a while thanks to the arduous task of finding the zoo, so we were both very hungry. If you know us, then you know not to f around with us when we are hungry, and here was this guy asking me to repeat my order of soft drinks! I slaughtered him and stashed the body in the Polar Bear tank.
We spent the next few hours dodging strollers and slow moving humans as we attempted to see the animals without making contact with any of the other sweaty patrons of the zoo. They should issue license to walk. It is called a straight line people! Also do not stop in the middle of everything to pick your nose, look at your map or tell your child to stop being an asshole. Yes, your kid is being annoying, but do us all a favor and discipline them off to the side. I hate sudden stops where I end up rear ending someone with my crotch. Then the person I hit is like “Why were you so close perv?” I wouldn’t be following so close if you weren’t walking slower than someone’s grandma after a colonoscopy. How about the couple that has a two year old and a six year old who let the six year old push the stroller? Child labor much? He can’t even see over the handlebars and you expect him NOT to ram into everything in the park? Did I mention I’m a strong advocate of state sponsored human neutering?
I have led you to believe it was not an enjoyable time. This is untrue. Anytime spent away from work with my Wife is spent well. The Zoo, after getting there and getting food was great. The animals were fairly active for such a hot day. After the zoo we met up with some friends for dinner. There was just one more little annoyance when I could see the restaurant, but I couldn't get to it. Apparently it's impossible to make roads and signs that help you get somewhere.
So we hadn’t even reached the zoo before the world took a big’ol dump right on our heads. And by world I mean Google Maps, and by dump I mean it gave us totally wrong directions. No, I do not mean confusing directions. I also do not mean out of the way directions. I mean that it took us to the wrong place. Google Maps said stop here and guess what, there was no zoo. We spent the next hour trying to figure out where we were and how to get to the zoo from there. I may have had one or two or five screaming freak outs where I needlessly pounded on the steering wheel and cursed Google and their so called maps. But that is just a rumor; you should know better than to believe everything you read on a blog. So we called mom to help us find our way. She started looking and then asked if I had a pen. When I answered no she could not believe it. So she asked again. Still no pen, mom. It was unbelievable to her that I didn't have a pen. Lost in the largest city in Ohio and she got stuck on lack of pen?
Well as you may have guessed, we did find the zoo; about an hour after we intended to. If the day just went prefect from that point, I’d stop writing here. Nay children, the idiots of the world surrounded us for an afternoon of fun, adventure and nut shrinking excitement. In everyone’s individual mind eye, are they their own main character in an unending chorus line of stupidity? Or are they so consumed by themselves that they are oblivious to everyone else around them? Perhaps they are incapable of grasping such concepts like manners, public behavior and common sense. The idiocy was not limited to visitors of the zoo either. I ordered some food and a Pepsi and a Diet Pepsi from an eatery. I was subsequently asked to repeat my drink order three times! Was this guy high? Was I high? The Wife and I hadn’t eaten in a while thanks to the arduous task of finding the zoo, so we were both very hungry. If you know us, then you know not to f around with us when we are hungry, and here was this guy asking me to repeat my order of soft drinks! I slaughtered him and stashed the body in the Polar Bear tank.
We spent the next few hours dodging strollers and slow moving humans as we attempted to see the animals without making contact with any of the other sweaty patrons of the zoo. They should issue license to walk. It is called a straight line people! Also do not stop in the middle of everything to pick your nose, look at your map or tell your child to stop being an asshole. Yes, your kid is being annoying, but do us all a favor and discipline them off to the side. I hate sudden stops where I end up rear ending someone with my crotch. Then the person I hit is like “Why were you so close perv?” I wouldn’t be following so close if you weren’t walking slower than someone’s grandma after a colonoscopy. How about the couple that has a two year old and a six year old who let the six year old push the stroller? Child labor much? He can’t even see over the handlebars and you expect him NOT to ram into everything in the park? Did I mention I’m a strong advocate of state sponsored human neutering?
I have led you to believe it was not an enjoyable time. This is untrue. Anytime spent away from work with my Wife is spent well. The Zoo, after getting there and getting food was great. The animals were fairly active for such a hot day. After the zoo we met up with some friends for dinner. There was just one more little annoyance when I could see the restaurant, but I couldn't get to it. Apparently it's impossible to make roads and signs that help you get somewhere.
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