The Tire

If you've never been to Pike County Ohio before, stop what you are doing right now, get up, go find a map, find Pike Co. and draw a huge RED X over it. Now every time you look at the map, this X should remind you to NEVER go to Pike Co. Ohio.

Let me start anew. This past weekend I had the opportunity to go see some friends and Cincinnati. I took this opportunity. It's about a three hour drive from my home in West Virginia to the city of Skyline and terrible football teams. Pike County Ohio is about half way in between. This hell sent stretch of road is completely devoid of anything. There are no towns. There are no gas stations. There is little to no cell service. There aren't even any Adult Book stores, which is just shocking. This would be the perfect place for murderers, mobsters, rapists and politicians to hide out.

Oh, well shit, let me begin again... If you read this blog occasionally, you probably read about all my car trouble earlier in the summer, aka The Mouse and the subsequent break downs. It is in this vehicle of death; a car that begins seizures like shakes at 55 mph, I decided to leave the safety of home and set out upon the open road.

I think most of you have probably figured out what's next. So, instead of boring you to death (I hope no one has died yet) the next portion of this tale will be over blown and exaggerated for thematic effect. I was just driving along, minding my own business when out of no where my front driver side tire explodes in a violent rage. Shrapnel is sent flying in every direction. I am sent swerving across the road. I hit the edge of the road and flip fifteen times down the highway before landing again. At this point I was still traveling at well over fifty miles an hour! The car careens left and right and only my nerves of steel and great strength are able the pull the car under control and bring it to a stop. For any one who is really worried about it, all that really happened was the tire when flat for no reason and I had to pull over.

Okay, minor set back. No problem. So I got out of the car, removed the flat and replaced it with the trusty old donut. I've driven for miles on these miniature tires before. Not only are they great in a pinch, but they are also delicious. Less than ten minutes later I'm back on the road, leaning slightly forward because of the minuscule spare; but moving again. It's about now, maybe a mile or so later, that the spare goes flat as well. Sure...

It's 3:30 PM. I think I already mentioned I was driving through the middle of butt fucking nowhere? Did I also mention that on this day everyone decided to stop answering their phones? I called wife, mom, dad and finally the friend I was going to see before anyone picked up. My cell service was already terrible. I called my insurance company, surprisingly they did pick up. Unfortunately they only offered to come change to the spare for me for free. Well, I've already done that! After I get off the phone with them, I received a thousand text message and voice mails from everyone I just called. They all flew in at once as if the gods of cell service opened their bum holes and took a text crap on me. My poor phone couldn't keep up. I get a hold of everyone and finally decide the best (cheapest) course is for mom to come get me, take the flat to Walmart in Jackson Ohio (50 mins back the way I came) and then go back to the middle of BFE and change it, again. Mom will take about and hour to get to me. It is now 5:00 PM, do you know where your kids are?

Oh, the things you can see in Pike County Ohio, while sitting on the side of a deserted highway, in the course of one hour. First, all said and done, I sat out there for about three hours. Not a single soul stopped to see if I was okay. Not a single cop drove by and stopped. I was on my own. Somewhere around 5:15ish I spotted three guys running on the opposite side of the road. Ah, fellow runners! Once they got closer I realized it was one mid-20's guy running behind two fat 12 year-olds. All shirtless, they passed me, ran a few more yards and crossed to my side of the road. They stopped and took a drink of water they were carrying and started running back, toward me. The fat kids looked to be in absolute pain. This must be some sort of forced run. Punishment maybe for eating all the Twinkies in Pike county? I'll never know.

Soon after I large convoy of ATV rolls past me in the weeds off the road. They quickly passed and shot up into the trees and hills. As they disappear I can almost hear the banjos playing in the distance. It's going to be dark soon. Mommy, please hurry...

About 15 after six Mom rolls in to save the day. Well, relatively speaking. We still have to drive 50 mins to Jackson, get the new tire, drive 50 mins back to the car and change it. Then I get to drive and hour and a half home. If you didn't figure it out, I never made it to Cincinnati. I'm not complain though; it could have been worse. Just as I finished changing the tire on the side of the road, in the dark; the creepy ATV hillbillies came rolling back down the hill. I finished changing the tire and got the hell out of there. So, at least I escaped the man on man on pig hillbilly rape.

To: North Pole

Dear Santa,

A co-worker made me eat a hot pepper at lunch today. And don't give me that bull shit about no one can MAKE me do anything I don't want to. You weren't there; for all you know they could have held me at gun point and force fed me the pepper. Maybe they ground it up into a juice and gave me a Mexican enema, you don't know, you weren't there. I know, I know, you see me when I'm sleeping, but you only KNOW when I'm awake; you don't KNOW what I'm doing while awake. It says so in the damned song, you creeper.

Anyways Santa, I'm writing today to ask for some new underwear and pants because that pepper has me firebombing Dresden. Maybe you could get me an ipad to help with the moisture, I'm told they do everything. Better send Rudolph, assuming that red nose is just a really bad sinus infection; in which case he won't smell a thing. Hey, while your at it, some milk would be nice, I know you have extra. If you really drank all the milk you calm you'd be shitting cheese by now. I just don't buy it.

So, pants, underwear, ipad, milk; got it Santa? Oh yeah, I'm going to need all that right now, it can't wait till Christmas. And none of this chimney crap, just come to the front door, seriously.

Sincerely Yours,
Hobo Dan

P.S. Baby Wipes may not be a bad idea...

Toy Story 3

There are probably a lot of people who are going to disagree with what I say next. The Toy Story trilogy ranks right up there with the original Star Wars trilogy and The Lord of the Rings. There, I said it, flame war engage! All three trilogy's share some very common factors. They all pushed the cutting edge of technology for their time. They all have deep, emotional stories and very memorable characters. The stories they tell are important and true to life.

As you probably figured out, I watched Toy Story 3 over the weekend. The only negative I can take away from it is that the first two films were just so damned good that it felt done before. That's it! The movies was perfect. It looked phenomenal. As always the voices were great, the story was funny and touching and emotional and action packed. It was the perfect ending to the trilogy. I could go on. I could spew hellfire to get you to agree that this trilogy is equal with Star Wars and LotR, but I won't because the films speak for themselves.

Camping Trip

I love camping. There is no better way to just relax and get away from noise and cell phones. You can bring your cell phone with you, but it won't work; at least, not where we went. Over the weekend, starting Thursday, the wife and I packed up and went camping. We borrowed the canvas pop up camper from Mom, thanks Mom, and made way to Hocking Hills State Forest. We went there last year as well so I'll only say that if you haven't been there you are really missing out. Another coupe we know joined us on Friday, camping and friends go so well together.

So it's just hot and humid. I complain a lot on here, but I try not to went talking about camping. Camping is my Zen place, or my Ka for any DarkTower junkies. Camping is just the best; hot or cold, rain or shine. Unfortunately, we got a good dose of hot and rain. It wasn't a damper (no pun) on the weekend, just another part of it. The couple that came with us had no idea how to get there. For the record it is out of the way. I gave them directions, but my directions have taken people the wrong way before; a certain attendee from my wife's last birthday can attest. So I was nervious when it cam time to meet them. I'll state again, there is little to no cell phone service there. It's a good twenty to thirty mile drive to get it. I went to the predetermined meeting place a little early and sat in the back of the truck and relaxed. Generally I despise waiting, but I was camping, so no problem. Then the rain came.

This was a downpour for the ages. When they pulled into the parking area I didn't even see them until they were parked right beside me. Normally I would be pissed about the rain. No, I'm camping, bitch! Nothing is going to get me down. They follow me up the narrow and curvy road to the camp site and we arrive to see it had become a mud slide. We packed inside the camper; four people or various sizes and two dogs; Winston our small Miniature Schnauzer and Issac, their large Golden Retriever. I wasn't cramped, but it was close. it didn't help that our small dog with an inferiority complex had to bark at everyone who came in the door. He also barked when they left and again when they came back in; as if he completely forgot who they were in the two minutes they were gone. This did stop after a while, but at first and during the rain storm it was, testing.

We had dinner ready and soon after it was dry enough to go outside and try to make a fire. I love camp fires. I don't love making camp fires out of wet wood. It's not imposable, just difficult. But I pushed on and got that fire started and it was good. I looked past it low burn and constant need of tending. I was able to make peace with all the chair being wet. I sat on a log for the fire. That was fine although I had to stand from time to time. The log was standing up strait and it was just barely thick enough. I have conjured several jokes about it being too thin to sit on, but I decided not to go there right now. I guess the camping vibe is still with me.

The next day we hiked more and it rained more. We ate and it got super humid. But people here is the truth; it didn't bother me, because I was camping. If all the crap happened to me in a regular day, the blog make have gone:

So I'm sick. Hot Damn! There is nothing better than being sick and camping and it's so humid a fish just swam by my face! Think of all the days it doesn't rain and the one it does, I'm on vacation and sick. Head cold; irony that I have a cold yet I'm hot as hell and sweating like a fat guy at the county fair eating a funnel cake. My head is so stuffed I'm just waiting for the alien to bust out of my sinus and go terrorize Signorine Weaver...

But I didn't do that. I won't do that. I don't feel that way and writing that was hard because I just don't have it in me right now. Don't worry, I'm sure angry Hobo Dan will return at some point, but for now I'm on camping high.

Epic Fast Food FAIL!

I am sick; not in the head like most of you are probably thinking. I have a head cold or sinus problem or some damned allergy to everything. I felt terrible at work today, I just wanted to run the letter opener through my skull. I got through work and came home. Vacation days, yay! No work for me till Monday. Nothing can go wrong... you all know me too well.

We don't cook too much anymore. We are lazy, poor and out of food. So we went out. Where? How about Taco Bell, fast, cheap; not particularly good, but it better than nothing. Taco Bell it is. So we get to Taco Bell and the guy in the speaker box tell us it's a twenty minute wait! WTF? What do they make at Taco Bell that could take twenty minutes? Ten? Five? Maybe the secret underpaid Mexican they have working in the basement all quit? I don't know.

Where do we eat now? How about KFC. Everyone loves KFC. We get there and ask if they have any of the their grilled chicken ready, they answer: "No, but we could put some down for you." Wha-huh? You could put some down for us? Now I'm no fast food expert, I did however work at McDonalds for nine months and generally when we ran out of something, we "put some down" even if there wasn't anyone waiting. So I asked how long it would take and they answered; twenty minutes. That must be the super secret magic number of the night.

We went on dismayed. Arby's? Sure. We pull up to the speaker, no hello. Silence. About five minutes later we order and get food. After all that I get my nourishment and feel a little better. I still can't figure out what caused a twenty minute wait at Taco Bell.

Tonight was a Massive Fast Food Fail!