Prison Architect - Impressions

I grew up in a place where along all the major highways there were three things, corn fields, cow pastures and prisons. So when I booted Prison Architect up for the first time and saw the bleak, untouched field for which I was to build my glorious monument to incarceration, I knew exactly what was up.

This title has been, still is, and may always be in Early Access on Steam. That’s fine with me, I got my money’s worth. I picked it up over the Steam holiday sale for cheap. Currently on Alpha Version 28, I ended up putting close to 24 hours in over three days. If you’re not familiar, Prison Architect is a play on the Dwarf Fortress style strategy, management, builder genera. If you’re still confused, don’t worry, my knowledge of Draft Fortress is purely academic. Basically, you've been given some money and land to build and run your own prison. A very simple building interface helps you design walls and buildings and a Grant system acts as a quasi-tutorial (there is an actual tutorial, but I am man and need to instruction) giving you more money for designing basic structures like showers, canteens, kitchens and cells. You cannot directly control your workers and guards, but only assign them rudimentary things like build this wall and guard this certain area, though the latter is only available after some research.

So that’s it. The charm honestly comes from the details. On my first run, I had no idea I could stop having prisoners dropped on my front door step like abandoned, homicidal puppies. So every 24 game hours, they kept arriving. I built a holding tank for those without a cell sweet cell, but my funds couldn't keep up. Soon my holding cell was flooded with prisoners. At first they were all wearing orange jumpers. Then, as fights began breaking out, some changed into red jumpers. I had no idea what was up with this. Are they Star Trek fans with a death wish? Are they covered in the blood of their enemies? My god the humanity. This went on for about 6 hours (real world hours). A constant stream of prisoners I had no room for, who’d clog the holding cell, beat the hell out of one another and my guards, die, repeat. I had just finished expanding my morgue when the riots started.

Calm before the storm.

The fighting broke out in the canteen, but quickly spread to the cells and common room. Blood everywhere and my single janitor was woefully behind in his duties; no Christmas bonus for him. Soon my guards and doctors were dead. Then I found the “call in riot police and medics” button. Saved! This move seemed only to embolden the rioters. I put the whole place on lock-down, which apparently kept the riot police from entering the prison. My psychiatrist died here (I was kind of hoping he’d join the inmates and go all Scarecrow, but alas). Once I finally wrestled control (burned all my funds to do so) I went to the wiki page for help. At one point during this recovery, I had 25 prisoners awaiting solitary confinement. They were just waiting for solitary rooms to open up! The wiki helped so much. The red shirts weren't covered in blood, they were maximum security prisoners. Apparently I can control what prisoners come into the prison (min, normal, max) and where they sleep, eat, defecate, play and brutally murder one another. Maybe I should have played the tutorial…

No matter, my second prison runs as smooth as urine down the drain of my toilet-less solitary confinement cells that now rarely see use. I've made an execution room as well. I have no plans to use it, but I want the inmates to know it’s there, so I put it off the canteen, with no door hiding it. This is where the game shines. Mechanically, the inmates are no less happy or threatened by the electric chair sitting right next to the pudding cups, but it makes me feel better having it there. My way of telling my cruel digital jailbirds to keep their shit together! The game accomplished a personality all its own. This despite simplistic, graphics. Don’t misunderstand, the game looks good, but some may be put off by the lack of “hardcore realistic graphicz bro”. On the matter of technical crap, in 24 some odd hours of game play, this Indy dev alpha did not crash once. I cannot say the same of Dragon Age Inquisition.

I made a third prison as well that uses the game mode where money is no object, design at will. Superb.

Prison Architect is developed by Introversion Software and is available on Windows, Mac and Linux directly from the developer’s website or through Steam.

Goodbye Dump the blog, Hello Dump the blog

Here is an awesome picture, marvel at it!

So today I am saying goodbye to Dump the blog and hello to Dump the blog.

What am I on about? In 2014, I turned 30 years old and have effectively abandoned the blog of my mid and late twenties. It was a crass and terrible thing with brief and fleeting moments of glory. I believe it is still a top 10 Google hit for those who search “Hangover Part 2 dic pic”. If you’re still here, bless you. It was a lifestyles and movie blog and for posterity’s sake, it is all still there for you to dig through and read if you wish. But starting now, it will be the new Dump the blog.

So I enjoy playing video games. I enjoy writing when not at work). I’ve decided to make a concerted effort to write more words about the video games I am playing and looking forward to. This document is for you, the reader. I shall announce my intentions, and let you decide if this will be your venue of choice for wasting time.

I primarily play PC games, although I do have a PS3 and a Nintendo 3DS XL. I might even have a PS4 one day, if our PS3 stops being an effective Netflix machine and my wife demands a replacement. I was, in the past, primarily a console gamer, but have seen the glorious PC gaming light (hail Gaben). I primarily play PC games that are not AAA. On occasion I have been known to pick them up, most recently Dragon Age Inquisition, but in generally I’ll grab them on sale years after release. I mostly go for the copious amounts of “Indy” games, as they are referred to these days. I also enjoy one free to play game (MechWarrior Online) where I am admittedly somewhat of a whale (I’ll get into this often, but later). I enjoy most genres, with strategy, RPG and walking simulation being tops of the list.

I will not be reviewing games. This is an impressions, opinion and news blog only. I cannot, and will not filter myself. I will try my hardest to let you know when I have a clear and relentless bias towards something, so you don’t get too butthurt over my words. If anyone ever decides to pay me for my words, I’ll tell you that as well, because ethics.

I can also be found on Twitter @TheRealHoboDan if you wish to follow me. I have been known to take a week long hiatus from Twitter, only to tweet 15 times in 5 minutes at 7 am some random morning, just to piss you off. Fair warning is fair.

Thank you for reading. Please like, comment, follow, retweet or whatever, I can’t keep up.

Thoughts: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014

I think choosing the Ninja Turtle that best embodies yourself is on the same level of importance as sorting yourself and your friends into Hogwarts Houses. I am a Raphael. The Wife is Leonardo. Now some of you may say that combination is troublesome. I will agree that we often but heads, but just as the famous turtles, when united against a common enemy, we come together and some kick serious shell.

Which Turtle are you? Comment jerks.

So they made another Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I have words to say about it. Read them below.

Spoiler Alert!

TMNT2014 is not the best Ninja Turtles film, nor the worst. Let me put it this way, when the turtles are on screen, it’s great. Too bad they spend too much time not on screen. I understand they want to build up to the big reveal, but twenty odd minutes go by before seeing Ninja Turtles. That’s too damn long!

Also, the plot and motivations for everything are just terrible. I mean bad like few other films have ever done bad before. For instance, Splinter learns ninja from some ninja books he finds in the sewer. How did he learn to read? Also, the guy in the movie who owns a castle is motivated to be evil (and by evil I mean kill like, millions of people evil) because he wants to be rich(er). There is this level of wealth in which more money is but icing upon a huge, golden, dark chocolate cake. Owning a castle means you’re on that level. Also, who knew a castle hidden in a mountain range with 500 foot tall cliffs was within fifteen minutes of New York City? I could go on, and on, and on.

But I’ll leave you with this. People who made this movie (Michael “Assplosion” Bay) which has already had a sequel confirmed for 2016. You weren’t too far from a decent Turtles movie. The turtles themselves were good. Now focus on them some more and holy crap run the script by a seventh grader for consistency before you green light it.

If you like the Ninja Turtles, go see this, you’ll be entertained and have some fun laughing at the absurd plot. If you don’t like the Ninja Turtles then get out of my life.

Mini Review: Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians of the Galaxy is the best film Marvel Studios has produced thus far.

It’s better than Iron Man and sequels. It’s better than Thor and sequel. It’s better than (and it pains me to say this) Captain America and sequel. Hulk? Pffh…

It is better than The Avengers.

It’s funny, not because of short quips or references to other Marvel films, but because it’s actually written to be a comedy; not an action film trying desperately to keep things light.

It’s a better Science Fiction film than Thor.

It’s a better team coming together for the greater good film than The Avengers.

Chris Pratt maybe be having the best year ever with this, plus Lego Movie and next being in Jurassic Park 4 (he will most likely be the only good part of that) and the news he is up to play Indiana Jones in the unnecessary yet inevitable reboot.

The whole cast is great. I mean, a tree dude who has only one repeating line has more depth of character than Hawkeye, Black Widow, any and all other secondary characters within the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) and I’ll go right out and say it, if they replaced the Hulk with Groot for Avengers 2, I’d be fine with the move. With or without Rocket, though I prefer with!

I hope whatever James Gunn (Writer/Director) was smoking gets passed onto Joss Whedon because Guardians of the Galaxy was the kick the (progressively more stale) MCU needed rounding third on its way into Avengers 2.

Guardians of the Galaxy is awesome. A huge risk by Marvel that paid off. Go see it.

Thoughts: The Amazing Spider-Man 2

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was terrible.

I mean, it was really bad. Sure, there were some good performances. The action was decent, when it wasn't being interrupted by awkward teen romance. The CGI was great. But oh, wow, the sum of its parts was mind numbing.

The plot is so full of holes [insert tired and true Titanic reference]. Sure, every superhero movie is filled with plot holes we happily look past because of: great acting, funny dialog, interesting story, fun action, deep emotion, Robert Downy Jr., etc. Too bad Amaz-balls Spider-Man 2 had none of this.

The shear convenience of everything that happen in this movie blows me away. Every time you turn around something is exactly where the plot needed it to be. For no other reason at all. People can use highly complicated technology without ANY foreknowledge of it existence, let alone basic operation.

The villains were so utterly stupid. So, so stupid. First villain be like "Hey, I met you once on the sidewalk, I love you! But now I hate you because I wanted my face on the billboard." Second villain be like "Hey, we knew each other ten years ago when we were like nine and you were my friend, so now I'll turn to you for life saving help. You won't help? I hate you."

By the way, multiple villains in one super hero film is now officially played out. I'm calling it now. Pack it up.

And holy banzai balls the interpersonal relationship scenes between Mr. Parker and Miss Stacy are just so, so awful. Maybe I am an old fart. No, I am an old fart. Just because I am an old fart who likes to say fart does not mean I like to sit through scene after pace shattering scene of mumbling and looking at your feet and indecision and oh look, ghost Dad causing guilt for three scenes early in the film and now he's gone because, cuts!

I don't like this movie. I was okay with the emo reboot first one, but this is just garbage. Obviously, Sony plans to keep making these to hold onto the right so Spider-Man will NEVER be an Avenger. Which is fine I guess because good luck retconing him into Avengers 3 anyways.