Monday, January 28, 2013

The Movies of February 2013

So here I am trying to get back into the swing of blogging because it makes me happy on a strange, deadline ridden level. I was doing four movie preview posts a year (and was failing horribly); so why not up that to one a month? Seems like a fine plan. Actually it's because of a certain a red headed reader that complains because I sometimes leave out movies he wanted to hear me bitch about for some reason. So here we are. A movie preview post all about the month of February. The process I follow is to go to the IMDB, find the list of films for a given month and watch the trailers for said films. Then start writing. If I leave anything off this list then it is absolutely not worth my time.

Remember, I use my totally made up Hype Rating System (HRS) to discern how much I want to see or not see these movies. Level 1: I plan to see this movie in theaters and so should you! Level 2: I'll probably wait until post theatrical release to see this film (Netflix, Blu-Ray, osmosis). Level 3: I will never see this movie, not even if you asked me really nice like. Level 4: I don't want to see it, but the Wife is making me; nothing I can do about it, I signed a contract.

February 1:

Warm Bodies - Level 4
Okay, so we found the cure for being a zombie. Love. Apparently all it takes is one mildly attractive blond chick with a shot gun to kick start your zombie heart back into being a human and bang, cured. While the story is way stupid and the zombie fad is so 2011, I'd probably sit down and watch this when/if it hits Netflix because it looks funny and John Malkovich is awesome. Note: after writing this, the Wife watched the trailer and informed me we will be seeing this in theaters (Da Fuk?) making this a Level 4, somehow.

Bullet to the Head - Level 3
In light of recent events, I will be censoring my hype for this movie by creating a mad lib of the following paragraph for the Wife to fill out: I wish Sylvester Stallone would put a frog through his own shiny head and stop making these pretty pieces of cute movies that all kick giant donkey dogs. No one wants to see his old cat shooting at trees anymore. You're old! Go act as some sort of crappy person would. Complain about the pink weather! Just stop making these purple movies to prove how big your chair is! Sweet car of New York City!

The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia - Level 3
The description reads: "A young family moves into an historic home in Georgia..." and I stopped right there. The name of this movie is The Haunting in Connecticut 2. But it is in Georgia? I don't... understand. Did the Connecticut ghost take a road trip? And where the hell is that movie? The Haunting in Connecticut 3: Road Trip starring Tom Green and a snake!

Stand Up Guys - Level 2
You can't go too wrong with Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. Throw in Alan Arkin and you have a pretty decent looking old mob guy buddy comedy. At least it seems like a comedy/drama, but trailers are so misleading these days. Is this funny, is it serious? Is it both, but which one is it more? I'll find out via Netflix.

Sound City - Level 2
Documentaries are awesome! Sadly, living in the middle of nowhere means you can't even get Les Mis at your theater on opening day. So this will never get within miles of me. That said, I don't have too much time to watch documentaries in a theater anyways, but a cold winters night with and a documentary about music directed by Dave Grohl on my couch, yes please.

February 8:

Identity Thief - Level 4
I am already tired of this trailer, and that woman (Melissa McCarthy). I have not even seen her in a movie and yet I know she will annoy the utter living crap out of me. This seems like a buddy, road trip movie with a twist. The twist being one of the buddies has stolen the identity of the other and they are not buddies at all. I somehow feel they will end up being great friends in the end. That must be my predictable Hollywood shovel-ware movie sense tingling. Sadly, February is sparse with movies the wife and I want to see, bumping this to Level 4 for me.

Side Effects - Level 3
Wife sees Channing Tatum and Jude Law flash across the movie screen and she sits up; attention obtained trailer. Then it starts talking about  the side effects of medicine and the hypochondriac in her comes out. For once it pays off, scratch one less time I have to suffer through a Channing Tatum movie in my lifetime. But holy crap is that Rooney Mara? She looks different not all, dragon tattooed...

February 15:

A Good Day to Die Hard - Level 4?
Stupid, dumb, mindless action. Old dude still trying to prove he is a bad ass. A good day to die hard indeed. This comes out so close to Valentines day that I am preparing to deem it an official Valentines day movie just like the original Die Hard is without a doubt a Christmas movie. I wouldn't normally see this in theaters because I like actual substance and story in movies, but when Valentines day rolls around and your wife says "Lets see Die Hard!" instead of "Lets see random smoochy, kissy movie!" you hand her the Wife of the Year award and go see f***ing Die Hard!

Beautiful Creatures - Level 3
According to the trailer this comes out on the 13th, because that makes it cooler or something. What would probably make this Witch's coming of age story better is if they threw out the script, fired the writer and burned the original book source material and started over with a tale about two very beautiful squires trapped in a dangerous tree full of poison nuts and crazy owls. I bolded the Level 3 grade for this movie up top to help get my point across. Do not see: angst filled teen drama ahead!

Safe Haven - Level 3
Robin? Wait for it... Gosh girl first the Avengers and now this? Is scotch and Barney not enough anymore? Must you go wondering around doing movie roll after movie roll? And Mr. Nicholas Sparks. Good Sir! I say, how many damned books have you written? Surly you now have enough money to unburden us mortal men who must suffer through your horribly predictable film adaptations. I mean, these trailers... Girl and boy meet, hate one another at first, then fall in love, then conflict, ???? and profit. So easy a cloned, genetically altered Neanderthal could do it... Ha, topical scientific jokes.

Escape from Planet Earth - Level 2
This looks like a fun animated movie. Really it does. If I had kids I'd definitely take them to see this. A good subliminal lesson in governmental paranoia never hurt a kid either.

A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III - Level ?
Had no idea what this was. Watched trailer. Still have no idea what this is. Judge for yourself:

(Also, IMDB has about three release dates for this so, I don't know when it's coming out)

February 22:

Snitch- Level 3
Apparently this movie is NOT about a has been, alcoholic Seeker who has to fight adversity and sober up to get one last shot at winning the Quidditch World Cup and his girl back. I am disappoint. I have to be honest, until Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson wins an Oscar award for Best Actor/Supporting Actor, I will laugh and think to myself "Do you smell it?" every single time I see him pop up in a movie trailer. Always and forever.

Dark Skies - Level 3
So there are aliens, and the guy from the State Farm Insurance commercials knows all about them, and says you're screwed. They are going to get you, and probe you and make you listen to Beiber. Seems like a pretty straight forward alien abduction movie. I bet they are saved at the last moment by some inexplicable plot twist.

So there, the movies of February. You have been warned.

1 comment:

  1. I feel bad for that ginger you referred to, sounds like a total dick head. February movies totally suck. Check out these all time greatest February releases because 2013 will not make this list...

    I ain't no holla back gurrrllll