Monday, October 3, 2011

Review: Abduction

Hobo Dan: I'm embarrassed we went to see this movie. The Wife wanted to see a movie to celebrate her new job. We should have seen The Lion King 3D like my wife wanted to. Before I get into how truly terrible this film was, I'd like to address the title; Abduction. As far as i can see there was not one single abduction in this movie. I guess that name is better than "We don't know what the hell to call this crappy movie!" This movie is the perfect storm of terrible writing and acting. I'm going to spoil the crap out of this movie, but don't worry, you do not want to see it. So instead read my intentionally funny version.

That werewolf kid from Twilight stars. The film starts off with him riding on the hood of his buddies truck going down the highway. They are all laughing like idiots. They arrive at the party and suffer through line after line of terrible blood curling line of dialog before they all get drunk and pass out in the yard without their shirts on. Then werewolf's dad drives up and is really mad about the drunken shirtlessness of his son. He is so mad in fact that when they get home he forces his hungover son into martial arts training? Before long the training has lead to the father and son straight up beating the crap out of one another. Mom's just watching from inside the house smiling. I'm sitting in the audience thinking "So is no one else considering a call to child protective services?"

Later the kid goes to school and gets a totally unfair homework assignment where he is paired with some chick he likes. We will call her 'eyebrows' because it looks like she has two chipmunks glued on her forehead. They go to her house and look on the internet for help with the homework. A ton of boring crap happens to lead our werewolf hero to the conclusion that his parents are not his real parents. Meanwhile the movie begins flashing to show us some Russian guys who are really bad actors. Twilight boy confronts his mother and she caves in but our emo teen doesn't let her explain. Then the terrible Russian actors show up and starts killing people, mostly his parents. He escapes with eye brows into the woods where they sleep. Some how they get to a house and steal a cell phone that has a bunch of CIA information on it. Then he finds out his parents were really CIA agents meant to protect him. Also Ripley from Alien shows up for a while as a CIA agent. It was weird. I thought she died in Avatar?

Apparently Doc Ock also works for the CIA and enters the film to find them. A lot of really boring conversation takes place in a dinner. Werewolf's real dad is a rouge CIA agent and his mom in dead. Sad face. Werewolf and eye brows run away when the Russians and Doc Ock get into a fight over a cookie. Werewolf decides he is tired of running so he calls the head Russian and tells him to meet up at a baseball game. Okay? They have a chase scene at said baseball game and Werewolf's dad shows up to save the day by shooting the Russians and reveling that Doc Ock is really bad too. Like the eight robotic arms didn't give it away. Werewolf doesn't get to see daddy though because he is a super douche. So Werewolf and eyebrows walk back into the baseball stadium (which is now over) and make out. Confused? I was too. What a waste of resources.

The Wife: Wow! This movie is simply terrible. I am not going to write much because the husband did such a good job explaining it above. It may appear that his review was exaggerating, but it is pretty much right on the money. Doc Ock, please go back to Spider-Man. The love interest girl, please tweeze or wax your eyebrows. You are not Brooke Shields and cannot pull the full brow look off. I could go on and get into the scattered plot that read more as a poorly written fanfic, but like I said, the husband covered that in detail enough.

So I will discuss the few good points. Taylor Lautner = eye candy. Also, the Pittsburgh setting. I enjoyed that the last action scene took place at a Pirates game and that Taylor wore a Pirates jersey. GO PIRATES! Ummm I think that pretty much covers the good points?

We should have seen the Lion King 3D like I wanted, but even though this movie was terrible it was pretty fun to mock it! At least there are some decent movies coming out soon!

1 comment: