Thursday, May 12, 2011

Summer 2011 Movie Preview

Holy cow it’s going to be some kind of summer movie season. There are so many films coming down the pipe that I’m going to have to change my format a little. You see, if I had money, I’d just go see a ton of them. Unfortunately I don’t poop cash, despite how many ads I run on this site. So, different from how I did things for the Spring Movie Preview, the categories will be: 1: Go see it in theaters if at all possible (Unfortunately for me, some won’t be) 2: wait for Netflix or rental, and of course 3: if given the option of watching this movie or jumping off a bridge into a shallow river of acid spitting piranhas; choose the latter. Obviously there will be the super secret option 4: My wife is making me see it against my will and I am filling a lawsuit claiming cruel and unusual punishment. Huzza!

Hobo with a Shotgun
Okay this isn't really a summer movie but I needed to address this film to address a larger issue I'm seeing develop in the film industry. This looks just terrible. The budget looks even worse. How did this get made? I'll tell you how. The movie world is looking for the next great cult classic. Back in the day, movies became cult classics. Now days movie are made to be cult films. The fans no longer get to choose. I seriously doubt Ed Wood made Plan 9 from Outer Space with the specific intent for it to become a cult classic. This annoys me. It also annoys me that some people seem to be intentionally making bad movies for this purpose. Some of them (Titanic 2) are so bad they have to be on purpose. If the people who make them legitimately believe they are good then I have less faith in humanity then previously thought. I won't be seeing this. If you do and I am completely wrong about it, let me know. May-ish?

X-Men: First Class
Another X-Men movie, really? I thought the first four Wolverine movies earned us a break so we could to go back to the comics and cartoon show and remember how awesome X-Men used to be. You know before Hollywood got their claws on the franchise. But in all seriousness this movie doesn’t look that bad. My wife also pointed out this is about as close as we are going to get to a true Magneto movie. The fact that she is into these kinds of movies enough to have an opinion like that is awesome enough for me. I’m going to throw this into category 2 but with a strong chance of category 4 because apparently my wife is a bigger X-Men fan than me? Hey, it can’t be any worse than Scream 4. Can it? June 3

Super 8
So shaky cam enthusiast J.J. Abrams is making a monster movie tribute to Stephen Spielberg? Insert random Dawson's Creek reference. I kind of wish this was Cloverfield 2, but whatever. Actually, in all honestly, I wish this was J.J.'s next Star Trek movie. Nothing about the previews for this excite me. Child actors as the main characters: meh. I know it's a tribute to Close Encounters and other Spielberg stuff but I'll make this outrageous statement anyways, it feels like its been done before; by Spielberg no less. Stephen probably did it better too; at least he knows how to hold a camera still during filming. Mr. Abrams really should stick to what he does best — producing two or three really good seasons of a TV show before leaving it to die so he can reboot a sacred science fiction franchise, changing it in unnecessary ways. Don't see it unless you poop money. June 10

Green Lantern
I have to admit I don't know much about Green Lantern the comic. Sorry nerds. I will say this doesn't look too bad at all. Ryan Reynolds doesn't really annoy me as much as I think he should. He is funny enough to not want to kill him. Sometimes what these truly outlandish comic movies need is a little humor and people will give them a reality break (Thor, Iron Man). I do find it ironic that Mr. Reynolds, who has professed his desire to halt his career in order to star in fifteen+ Deadpool movies, has found his way to the DC universe, playing a very major character. It really doesn't look terrible, but I'll wait for video or rental or Netflix; damn what the hell do I call it these days? June 17

Transformers 3
They made a second one? That’s my best guess; that or they just can’t count, but come on, most people have at least three free fingers for counting. The first one didn’t thrill me. I didn’t see the second one. I would have to do way too much back logging to be prepared to see this one. Okay, all I’d have to do is see the second one, but that seems like so much work. I view this like I did with G.I. Joe a few years ago. There are some things from our childhood best left there. I don’t care how many robots are in this. I don’t care how many skanky chicks wearing short shorts there are. That damned kid from Even Stevens helped George Lucas and Steven Spielberg rape Indiana Jones and he isn’t even slightly funny. Super awesome special effects don’t carry a movie for me anymore. Not to mention the first one almost gave me a seizure with its shaky camera action scenes where it’s a true struggle just to see what’s going on. Sometimes I’d like to have a clear view of the action, almost like I’m watching a movie! If I wanted to have a blurry, obstructed view of a poorly choreographed fight I’d go to an NHL game. I know most of you will probably like this movie and that’s your right as Americans. I will not be seeing it, nor renting it. Maybe I’ll catch it on TV in five years edited down to two hours with commercial breaks to ease the pain. July 1

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part 2
I’m not the biggest Harry Potter fan in the world, but even I can admit that this is the biggest movie of the summer. Nothing else even comes close. Some of you may argue that Captain America finally coming to the big screen is huge. I will counter with Cap being the first film in its line, this Potter film is the end. After this summer the Potter films are wrapped. It should be a huge emotional, action packed finally. I don’t care if you’ve read the books or only seen the movies; this is the movie everyone should be waiting for this summer. Go see it in theaters because it’s the last time you will be able to do so for this franchise. Well, at least until the reboot emo version surfaces in a few years. July 15

Another Earth
This looks like a thoughtful little blend of science fiction and drama that I would really like to get a chance to see. I've never heard of it before I saw the trailer. I don't know who any of the actors are. The trailer grabbed me and that's what you're looking for from a them right? Netflix when I get the chance. July 22

Captain America
I’ll be seeing this one in theaters despite my concern that I’ve never seen Chris Evans play a character who is not a huge asshole. If you don’t know, Captain America is not an asshole. I do have high hopes for this film. A super hero movie set in World War II should be awesome. Hugo Weaving is the villain, which is never a bad thing. Tommy Lee Jones is also in this, and he makes everything better, except Batman Forever. This is also the final lead in movie for The Avengers coming in 2012. This should give us a great idea just what kind of quality to expect out of that movie. I’m still pretty skeptic about how well the Avengers is going to work. Captain America looks pretty good though. As long as it doesn’t get bogged down while trying to bridge the gap between World War II and the current time line in which the Avenger movie takes place, I think it will be fine. I’m not expecting a movie the quality of the first Iron Man, but still a good film. And maybe I’ll even be pleasantly surprised. July 22

The Devil’s Double
I was just surfing Apple’s movie trailers page one day when I saw the preview for this. Hey, it looks pretty damned good. An action bio-pic about one of Saddam Hussein’s sons recruiting a body double for himself; what’s not to like? Sadly this will be saved for Netflix because I have to go see all the nerdy movies this summer. If you aren’t legally bound to see every comic book/ fantasy/ science fiction film coming out this summer then please go see this and let me know how it was. Netflix will be a long wait. It will have to make its way past all those seasons of Frasier they haven’t put on instant play before getting to my mail box. July 29

Cowboys & Aliens
My wife laughed out loud when we saw the trailer for this at Thor. I didn't turn around to look, but I could feel sweaty nerd hate coming our way. I have to agree with her, this looks kind of stupid. It's like Hollywood ran out of good Western ideas and good Alien ideas, so they decided to mate them and see how that worked. Hey, getting Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford does give it some respectability, but lets not forget how popular Kevin Costner was before he did Waterworld. Big names don't always make good movies. I'll probably rent so I can at least make fun of it without being super hypocritical. July 29

The Smurfs
Do I really need to say any more about this? Don't see it. Don't rent it. Don't support this shameless money grab. Do kids today even know what the Smurfs are? Isn't that a time in world history we'd all like to forget? I have to create a special fifth category for this one. My wife wants to see it. I refuse! So what does happen when the unstoppable force and the immovable object collide? Find out on July 29

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Does anyone else hear nails on a chalk board? Sequels, reboots, broken records oh my! I want something new please. Go on, I'll wait. August 5

Conan the Barbarian
Shall we pander to the shallow 3D crowd some more? Seriously, this trailer is filled with more cheap 3D thrills than the Transformers 3 trailer was filled with explosions. I'm not sure why they decided to reboot this franchise now and hook it with a trend I hopes dies soon. I guess that means I hope Conan dies with it. Bruiting hero goes after evil oppressor. Yeah yeah, I've seen this one before. Oh that's right, I saw it the first time around. Someone please give me a job writing scripts in Hollywood. I have no resume, but I promise not to write a sequel, reboot or base it off a book or other existing material. Why god why? Umm... category 3. August 19

1 comment:

  1. Why don't you just go ahead and write a script and see what happens?