Monday, March 7, 2011


Turd-gobbling rat monkeys from outer space love the naked cinnamon challenge. They are, however, very cautious of smiling wobble-bangers in high heels providing hot wing contests. Those competitions always turn out to be kidnapping ploys sponsored by the Federal Bureau of Hot Wing Kidnapping Contests. The FBHWKC’s annual budget is 45 million, even though they only hold three events per year and employ seventeen agents. The rat monkeys try to avoid government programs because they don’t have green cards and only speak German. The rat monkeys chose to learn German to intimidate their mortal enemies, the drunken fart huffing mouse monkeys, who speak French. The mouse monkeys are arrogant wall bangers who refuse to use UPS because they claim to know exactly what brown can do for you, and they don’t like it. A certain mistranslation from English to French has led the mouse monkeys to believe the A-Team to be a nauseating sex maneuver. Those are only a few reasons for the rivalry between the two parties.

Now history shows us that people who speak German and people who speak French don’t get along; but the feud between the rat monkeys and the mouse monkeys has been going on long before they came to earth and learned its languages. One million years ago to the second from when I write this, the groups where created on their home planet. The mouse monkeys look nothing like a mouse or a monkey, they more resemble a goat. The rat monkeys look exactly like what you’d expect the offspring of a rat and a monkey to look like if thrown down the ugly tree. It is tradition in their culture to throw a new born from the highest branch of the ugly tree. If the child lives, it is welcomed to the community. If the child dies, it doesn’t have to live with its hideous appearance. The mouse monkeys on the other hand are born ugly but under go numerous plastic surgeries to make them look more like a huge purple Botox Oprah.

The rat monkeys that have migrated to America have had trouble holding to the ugly tree tradition. Without their homeland’s tree they have resorted to the American way to make people ugly, drugs, child abuse and McDonalds. All the rat monkeys that went to Europe are fine because there are forests of ugly trees there. Despite recent reports, relations between the two alien forces remain strained. The mouse monkeys have suggested the rats choke themselves on knives. The monkey rats insist they would rather use swords because the knives are too short to reach all the way down the esophagus. The rat monkeys have started using pooperangs when engaged in combat with the mice. Despicable little devices especially when you consider the high corn diet the rats enjoy. As tensions in the Middle East continue, it's only a matter of time before the true blood war between the turd-gobbling rat monkeys and the drunken fart huffing mouse monkeys breaks out in full. Stay tuned for updates on this most pressing issue. Good Day.

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